1. Introduction to My Mother
My mother had me very young. It seems to be the common theme in her circle of friends. As is their love of alcohol.
From the time I can remember, all her friends' kids hated her. Whenever we went to one of their birthday parties, the kid wouldn't talk to her. She said kids can tell when you have told their mother to get rid of them. Her friends even tell of the time when she told them she was going to have me. She took them out to brunch and she was like,"You guys, I'm keeping this one".
When I was eight, her drinking got particularly heavy. She pointed to her stomach and was like,"I'm drinking for two. But not for long. Someone is being evicted". Soon afterwards, she got real happy. She said it was coz she could still fit into her wedding dress. That means her normal size was now the same as when she was eight months pregnant with me. Even then she used to say,"This is a wierd age. Whenever one of my friends tells me she's pregnant, I don't know whether to congratulate her or ask her if she needs a ride".
Then she got wise. She started to ask her boyfriends to wear condoms. It was sweet, but honest, the way she used to ask them. She would say,"You're going to want to wear this. Its been a busy month".
2. Introduction to My Father
My father has been in and out of my life. He was my mother's childhood school crush. My mother got together with him when she graduated from school. She says that you can always tell what someone is going to be good at when they're older by what they're like when they're younger. Since kindergarden, He loved rocks. He was always playing with them and counting them. By the time my mother got together with him, he was a crack head.
At first, things didn't work out between them. As my father wanted her to attend his school graduation, but my mother said she couldn't make a commitment. At that time, she wasn't sure where she was going to be in five years time. Then providence took over, and she got pregnant with me. They got married with their parents' blessings, as it was required by state law.
He would appear in our lives for a few months and then disappear for a couple of years. Each time he would have a different job, which he was never very good at. There was a time he was a car mechanic. He told a customer,"I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder". He worked in a fire hydrant factory for a few weeks. But he hated it because he couldn't park anywhere near the place. He joined the army for a while. He said he liked the idea of meeting interesting people and killing them. After leaving the army, he became an arms dealer. Once, he was crossing the border into Canada, and they asked if he had any firearms with him. He asked,"Well, what do you need?". I guess, for him, a conclusion is the place where he got tired of thinking.
My father always said,"I know drugs lead to nowhere, but at least I get to travel the scenic route". A fool and his money are soon partying.
3. Introduction to My Pet
I don't have any siblings. In my childhood, my parents got me a puppy. I treated him like my younger brother.
For starters, I named him Stay. When I used to call him, it was: "Come here Stay. Come here Stay". He used to get so confused.
One day, I decided that I was going to walk him all at once. So, I walked him from New York to Newark and back. Then I told him : "That's it. We're done. No more scratching on the door. No more walking for you".
My parents had to put him in a mental asylum. Sometimes I used to visit him. I used to take him out and throw a boomerang for him. The doctors said he wasn't getting any better.
He didn't have a chance.
4. My Childhood Memories
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
From my first memories, I remember always having my own room. I thought it was really wierd, since my parents never let me sleep with them. They said they had read somewhere that it's safest to let babies sleep alone specially if you drink (mum), use drugs (dad) or are overweight (mom again). But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. They always used to ask me if I had slept well. I always used to respond:"Not really. I made a few mistakes". In fact, I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Alexzander, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep" .
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. For my birthday I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
We used to live on the 10th floor in our apartment block. I used to take our dog, Stay, out for walk on the ledge. Actually there was a more selfish reason why I wouldn't take Stay out of the building for a walk. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
For a while as a kid, I was fascinated by fire. I particularly liked burning barbie dolls: the plastic used to burn and melt in an enticing way, and I loved the smell. Looking back, I think it was just my mother's and father's genes expressing themselves: her tendency to get rid of kids in her womb, and his tendency to addiction. I think our family's gene pool needs some chlorine in it. Whenever we went to the toy shop, I would try to get mom to buy a barbie doll. It got her all excited as she thought I was a girlie boy. Until she found out what I was doing with them. One thing I never understood: if barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Once I bought some powdered water at the toy shop, but I didn't know what to add to it.
I didn't learn much in school. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I also joined the boy scouts in school. I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. This other time, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
5. My Teen Memories
In my teens there was a lot of change. Literally. I used to go to the city center to tell people on the streets that my mother was an alcoholic, my father was a drug addict, and that I needed money for food. My cup would brimmeth over. My philosophy for school was simple: the sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. All that change in my pocket taught me a lesson: hard work may pay off in the future, but laziness pays off now. So, ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If you don't see my point of view, remember these facts. Fifty percent of the people you know are below average. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
From a young age, I had learned to drink in moderation. That is relatively. The relative being my mother. Still, at my age, it was enough to get me drunk most of the time. Where some people see negativity, others see opportunity knocking. By the next time my father came visiting, I had enough money from my visits to the city center to make him my first customer. He used to say,"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good ". I used to wonder: If God dropped acid, would he see people?
This one time my friend Larry and I were waiting for customers on the street. So, we started to play a game called animal noises. He was like,"Dog". I replied,"Woof, woof". Then I was like,"Cat". He went,"Meow". Then he was like,"Pig". And I went,"Would you step out of the car please, sir".
It was also the time of my first crush. At that time, my dental hygienist was really cute. Every time I'd visit, I would eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she would have to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. The last time I visited her was the time of my upliftment. Eating all those Oreo cookies had meant that I needed minor surgery, due to which I had to be put under. I went to sleep in her chair with a smile, I woke up surrounded by the cops. A word to the wise: never take to the dentist your evening customer's stash if you know you are going under. It turned out my court appointed lawyer was more interested in getting into the good books of the district attorney than helping my cause. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I had to turn in my suppliers' names in return for a lighter sentence. Quite a few up the hiearchy in my organization also took such deals. Instead of any sentence, I ended up on the witness protection program. I didn't even have to testify. I certainly was no eagle.
I didn't do drugs, while I had made a good deal of money selling them. I had escaped a drug rap. I had a drinking problem, but ended giving that up also because I needed to have my wits about me in case my former employers came looking for me. I ended up on the witness protection program which got me out of my neighborhood and away from my parents. I began to believe that getting caught for selling drugs was the best thing that could have happened to me. God does seem to even take care of those that least deserve it.
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