Faking The Break For It

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
Some people just don't know where the line is and when their fake 'issues' become offensive

Submitted: January 13, 2012

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Submitted: January 13, 2012

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I have neve been the sort of person to struggle in my life.

I always found my classes fairly easy and I got the top grades without much of an effort on my part - until a year ago that is.

Somehow, I found myself in a black hole. I felt like there was nothing on this earth or in this universe that I could do to get out of the hole and I just wanted to leave everyone and everything behind to start again all by myself. I never went a moment without wanting to cry and, because my mother didn't understand, she would get angry and shout at me about my sudden pitfall. I don't blame her for being mad, she has a stressful life herself with work and the house and a rather unfulfilling marriage but somehow the negativity made me sink even further.

A couple of weeks into my depression I began to feel physically ill and completely drained. The prospect of seeing my friends was painful for me to bare and even the idea of getting out of bed in the morning used to make me cry. I would lie awake at night, drowning in my thoughts, worried about losing the ones I love and living a terrible life full of bad decisions. No one understood and neither did I.

I was beginning to feel so small and stupid. I would sleep in class because I felt humiliated just by being there. I thought that everyone was looking at me and wondering why someone so thick was in a top set.

It began to break me down, and as it did my walls began to rise. I just wouldn't look in the mirror, I wouldn't make an effort with clothes or eating healthily or exercise because I felt like it would make no difference. I began to isolate myself and I would never fully open up to my friends and tell them how I felt. Everything was too hard. I was scared. I was frightened that if I stayed the way I was that I would get sent to different places to talk to people about 'how I felt'. In some part of my mind that's what made me come back. The fear that I might have to tell somebody everything. A fear that I still have today.

Although the worst was over and I had had my whole summer break to reconfigure and clear my head, as soon as I got back to school the tide washed back towards me. It was never as bad as it had been in that month where I didn't feel like I could continue but teachers stil picked up on it and a few even reported it or suggest I talk to the counsellor. I got called into the deputy head's office one day and she said that there was a lot of concern for me. It was right then that I thanked myself for taking drama as I don't know how I would have been able to act my way out of it without the training. I said it was down to exam stress and a lack of sleep, but somehow I think she knew I was lying.

I went to hell and back over this past year. It was the most painful and humiliating year of my life. I have never been more scared. But now, when I look back, I see how far I've come and I can see that people around me more clearly. Something which I am beginning to resent.

A girl in many of my classes has been making claim to similar feelings of self resent lately and even has a 'diagnosis' so to say. I know she's a liar. I know how it feels. I know how painful it is. But she is in not pain to speak of. I can't see her walls. I can't see her suffocation at the thought of carrying on. I can't see the truth in her 'condition'. I know that many people may disagree with me but it doesn't take much to notice when a person is a liar after you've been through such things yourself.

After all that I suffered with, the most horrible thing is that there are people who would pretend they are depressed or mentally unwell just to have their time in the sun. Not one depressed person in the world would update their status everytwo minutes saying how ugly they think they are or how much improvement they need. No one in their right mind should even use depression as a tool to get what they want.

It sickens me to think that girls and boys - for that matter - would do this for nothing but some attention. And I can deal with it anymore. I want to scream and I want to shout every second I see her sullen face 'incapable' of doing the work because she's too depressed to do so. All I ask of anyone reading this is to remember how degrading it is and to not repeat what this girl has done to me. More than anything it hurts, and after you've been to hell yourself, seeing someone fake it is nothing less than insulting.


© Copyright 2017 Alice Bell. All rights reserved.

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