The Mess We Made

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
I met this boy a long time ago. He's played me like a card game ever since, always dealing me the bad hand, and no matter what I do I can't detatch myself now...

Submitted: March 06, 2012

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Submitted: March 06, 2012

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I met you two years ago now. We’ve both changed a lot. I changed because I wanted to and because I like what I’ve become. However, I don’t think I’d be too forward to think that I was the one who made you change. I won’t deny that I’m the one who ruined you but what you fail to understand is that I’m trying my best to fix the mess of you I made and that – despite what you might think – I’m just a fragile, if not more fragile than you. Is this revenge?

We were walking at a steady pace. The breeze was brisk and chilled, more so than it had been of late. The trees were still oddly bare for the time of the year and it seemed that no blade of grass had been infected with green again. You were making me laugh; I love it when you make me laugh because I like to think that maybe we’ve moved on and that we can smile at each other again now.

He was walking me home from a lengthy and tiring day at school that had seemed to drag on. Revision for exams in the following weeks was the only other thing which was preoccupying my mind that moment so he was a grateful distraction. He always is a grateful distraction.

Our conversation carried on strong surprisingly. Normally I find it difficult to talk to boys/men/attractive people/anyone so I really had a breakthrough! We must have been walking for half an hour, just dwelling listlessly in each other’s company with complete disregard for anyone who might see us or judge us. We’d been close since Christmas and he’d made his feelings towards me obvious. I knew he liked me. I liked him too if I’m honest. I was just too afraid though. I felt as if no matter what I did he would hurt me. I thought that if I trusted him he would use me and leave me.

After seeing my parents’ unsatisfying marriage pan out before me I’ve turned into a relationship-recluse. I never want to get married or stay with one person. I just don’t think I can. I don’t want to shackle myself down and make it impossible to run if I need to – and trust me, I will need to. So opening up to this boy felt wrong in a sense. I felt like I was contradicting the very morals I was based upon and I felt like an idiot. I’m as hard as a fucking rock usually but around him all I seemed to do was turn to sap and it was utterly humiliating to say it nicely...

Even as we neared my house the conversation didn’t hesitate. We joked around and messed about like friends would but all the time there was something drawing me in closer. I knew what was inevitably coming when he got to my door but I kept disregarding it. My life has a wonderful habit of playing me a shit hand when all I could want is a stroke of luck.

This time though luck did show in my favour.

I ushered him down my driveway and to my door even though he was slightly hesitant to leave the pavement. I took out my key and unlocked the door with surprising ease considering that I find it impossible to open my door before turning back to see him an hopping off of my doorstep so that he was taller than me again.

I said thank you out of good habit and hugged him tightly, thinking that that was going to be all I was going to get off of the boy for the night. However before I could think again we both leaned back and just looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. Then he leant towards me and pressed his lips to mine. In a fit of habit my ‘life’ made my hair blow in front of my face which made him pull back.

“Well that was going to happen...” I giggled nervously while looking down at the floor.

“Never mind...” He muttered.

He lifted my head again and pushed my hair behind my ear, balancing it there before pressing his lips to mine again and holding me close. I never wanted to let go. I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t needed to.

So now, a day later, I’m sat on my bed trying to figure it all out. As it happens he hasn’t spoken to me since he kissed me. He has made the effort to avoid me and didn’t even say a quick hello or goodbye.

I’d like to know what I did wrong please. I feel ridiculous because I let myself get carried away with it only to be tided by humiliation afterwards. Do you try to embarrass me? Because at the end of the day I am more fragile than you and I really wish you’d start noticing it.

I allowed myself to be open and honest only to find that you didn’t even care and that you weren’t man enough to say anything to me afterwards. How do you think I fucking feel now? I hope you’re really happy, because at the end of the day I’m the one writing this in my tearstained diary. I’m the one who doesn’t understand. I’m the one who is never going to be happy with myself. I’m the one who thinks they’re never going to be good enough. It’s a funny thought really, that you almost had me fooled.


© Copyright 2018 Alice Bell. All rights reserved.

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