Bloodshot And Shooting Blood

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A poem about my sadistic feelings towards someone I thought could be trusted, and who I at the time still had feelings for. Read, comment, ask questions, etc, feedback is appreciated. Thank you

Gasp each breath
your last blessed
a small death
from the palpitations in those lungs
beat it harder when we touch
you can't help it, and
"this won't hurt a bit"
So long as we don't end up dying together
you won't be on my
if you won't mistake the rain for eyes
wash it down with pretty lies
from counting all your starry skies
you're one mistake would burn our ties
and nothing matters yet

One last slip up,
you know you've done it
make it a habit to pin our hands
you've got that chemical touch
flashed a smile, caught on fire
and we'll burn it all to hell
now can we make it out alive?

the acid in your eyes
would melt a scar straight through your heart
and all in all in all your all I ever needed
and all I'd ever kill.
now
reach out touch your corpses
and laugh at what we've done

and I know I know
we've lost our attire to set on fire
We're weak in the knees
and the after risk of sinking
takes a backseat to "I'm shaking"
when your shaking in the back seat.

you've got that chemical touch
flashed a smile, caught on fire
and we'll burn it all to hell
now can we make it out alive?
and we'll laugh at what we've done

and no I'm never done.

Submitted: January 31, 2009

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Comments

zer0

A good piece of free verse poetry.

It’s rhythmic enough in spite of the seemingly random line lengths.

The language use is dark, poetic, mysterious and a little ambiguous. As is the tone and mood of the piece.

Nice use of metaphor.

The imagery is vivid and compelling enough.

The repetition of lines like “you've got that chemical touch
flashed a smile, caught on fire” works very well to give the piece a strange symmetry.

It obviously needs some editing in terms of spelling, grammar etc

A little advice: Almost no one can be trusted with everything.

Good work, it was a pleasure to read. Keep writing.