From the time we are born, we are bound by a kind of overwhelming but invisible force. I can not give you an exact definition of this force, not only because it is too broad to define but also because it is beyond my power to define. This idea occurs to me not out of superstition, but out of my surrender to natural law. In this profound force of natural law, nobody is alone——every individual belongs to a community and although you have your own individual consciousness, you still have to comply with the collective consciousness. Your observance with the law may happen with or without your notice. As an individual, we have our own characters which are partially decided by our thoughts and actions. The other partial decisive factor is the natural law, the rules of the community. For example, you are a girl, and this means that no matter how unique you are, you are still governed by the law which defines what a girl is: you are sensitive, fragile, and enjoy the feeling of being valued by those who you value. You are a man, and this means that no matter how you act like a girl, you are still more likely to act under the guidance of a man’s thoughts than of a girl’s. All in all, no matter how different you are from the rest of us, even if you are a genius, you still belong to us, “the human being”, and to some degree, you are still common, sharing with us the nature of human being: selfishness, greed, the dark side of your bright side, and so on. If you are animals, no matter how smart you are, you are not us, and you share the characteristics of animals’.
I have always thought I have self-knowledge, but it turns out that I am also blinded. “Self-knowledge” is just a label I have used to satisfy my vanity and arrogance. I have always thought I am smart and can distinguish what I should care and what I should not; but it turns out that I also care what I have thought I should not. I have always thought I am a resolute, strong-minded girl, a girl who believes reason controls emotion; but it turns out that I can’t resist temptation either. What’s worse, I maybe more easily indulge myself in temptation. People say “Extremes meet”: the reason why I value reason so much is that I am lack of reason, in other words, I am too emotional, and the fear for being flooded away by emotion forces me to clutch at the life-saving straw, which happens to be reason in this circumstance. It is true that you always chase what you are lack of. I have always thought I can see what some other girls can not; but it turns out that they can also see what I can not, and what they can see matters so much to our living in this secular world. I have always thought I am special, I have my own way of thinking and acting; but it turns out that I am also enslaved by the common rules, by what defines me as a girl, not a boy, not a flower, not a fish.
Compared with what the most of you have experienced, I know my past experience is no big deal. Then why can’t I let it go? ——Because I am defined by my past. Because it is human nature to take advantage of the past to excuse yourself for your coward and hesitation in front of the uncertain future. Because it is human nature to take advantage of the past pain and misery to win other people’s love and care, even though the pain and misery is not too powerful to be worn off by time. You want it, then you have it, and then you want more, especially true for a girl’s thirst for love and care. People say love is just one part of a man’s life and the whole of a girl’s life. I have known this rule for so long that I can’t even remember when. But I know since the first time I knew this rule, I have tried to break it, to fight against it. I don’t want to give my whole life, the life which I can only live for one time to someone who also has one chance to live but only regard “the whole me” as a part of his. This sacrifice is unequal and too much for me to pay willingly. For a moment, I thought I have got rid of this rule; but it turns out that I am still a girl; I can’t escape what the nature has defined me. This makes me furious, forces me to lose the peaceful heart, and drives me to punish myself and the one who passes me by. However, it is not my true heart feeling to punish someone who cares me, so I hurt others and hurt myself more. If you are an angel, you are defined and confined by an angel, which means that you can only do what an angel is allowed to do. Otherwise, you don’t even need God, you yourself will punish you. This is why I guess I never want to be an angel. And the fact is that I am not. My heart is ripped apart by the angel and the demon, and there is always time that the other one dominates the rest.
Time kills everything, from life to love, to beauty, to passion, to curiosity, even to the sea and the stone. I guess I’ll just accept all the rules. But damn it, why do I have such a resistant instinct? I guess I am just so stupid, so naïve. To live is to abide by the rules, but God, is this rule your true design of us? If it is, why do you give me that instinct? If it is not, please love me and take it away from me.
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