The Locked Room

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

A day in the life of moving forward

 
The sun was just beginning to peek out from beyond the horizon and its reflection on the ocean was like a blast of fireworks on the fourth of July.  She pulled her jacket together to ward off the early morning coastal breeze, as she walked along the shore.  The sight of the sun coming up was so breathtaking, she had to pause to just let the wonder of it all sink in.  This was not her favorite time of day but it was beginning to grow on her.  She had always preferred late night hours.  Actually, she didn't prefer it, it had become the only time of the day that she could find peace and quiet in her life. 
 
She let her mind wander back to those days when she was gently coaxed out of her sleep every morning by the sound of a baby cooing and playing with their toes or talking to one of the many pictures surrounding their crib.  It always made her smile and she would enjoy the comfort of her bed just listening, knowing that these moments were the precious times in her life and they would become the memories that she could take with her forever.  As much as she wanted to just lay there, soon the cooing would turn to fussing as the little tummy in question was ready for something to take away the growling that was now the main focus.  She slipped out of bed and quietly peeked into her baby's room.  The excitement that took over, tiny arms and legs flaying frantically was something she would never grow tired of experiencing.  To see someone so happy at the sight of her was the fuel that kept her going.  As she cooed and exchanged baby talk, she was filled with so much love for this amazing creation.  She picked the tiny bundle up and nuzzled her as she sat down in the rocking chair, one of her favorite places and couldn't help but chuckle as her baby seemed to frantically try to reach her bottle before she could get situated.She missed nursing her own babies. It was one of those completely satisfying and personal memories that no one could share and no one could take  out of that tiny room in her heart that was locked and protected from all the lonliness and sadness that had filled her life. Her grandchildren never had that special bond with their mothers, and she prayed that holding them close while feeding them, rocking and singing to them would be at least some replacement.
 
She smiled as her granddaughter's tiny head dropped safely back in her arms and she could feel the tears welling up as she wiped the milk that slipped out of the little satisfied lips.  The love she felt for this little angel never ceased to amaze her.  As she placed her little miracle of life back in the crib, she heard the rest of the household start to come to life.  Soon the hustle and bustle of daily life would drain her body but keep her mind from dwelling on the emptiness that the rest of her world held for her.  Before her afternoon shift would begin at her job at the airlines, she would send her oldest daughter out the door to high school, followed minutes later by her youngest daughter to catch the middle school bus.  The sound of cartoons and laughter from her two grandsons made her smile as she packed their lunches and then walked them down the driveway to meet the grade school bus and waiting right behind it, the Head Start van.  She walked back up the driveway with her dog jumping around her wanting his share of her attention.  She cleaned the kitchen, put a load of clothes in the washer, straightened up the living room with only moments to spare before her granddaughter woke from that pleasant little nap following her breakfast.  She would have time to play with her and finish the daily household chores before heading out to daycare and off to work. 
 
Her shift at work ended at 1 a.m. and after an hour's drive home the whole process would start over.  This was her life and the depression was becoming all consuming.  She was fearful about how much more she would be able to endure.She could do this every day all day, if she just had someone to share the joy and hard work with.  Someone who loved these children and the wonder of it all as much as she did.  This would be something that would escape her for years to come.  If someone had told her then that this was her life, every day for the next 18 years, she would have never believed them.  What craziness, that someone could live with someone, but without love for 18 years.  That just made no sense.  How her husband could live in the same house, yet not participate, at all, in any of the daily activities of her and these children was a mystery to her.  Eighteen years later, that would be exactly the way it played out.
 
She was jolted back to reality as the cold waves hit her feet and she was reminded that it was over.  Those days were behind her and she could visit that safe place in her heart and enjoy those fond memories anytime without ever having to suffer the pain of what she missed out on. She could let go of that pain.There were still times she felt guilty, even selfish for wanting more.  After all, she had healthy children and grandchildren, she enjoyed good health herself, a roof over her head and she was never without the necessities in life.  She saw people who were much worse off, suffered tremendous loss, went without what she took for granted.  No matter how she tried to feel grateful, she wanted someone to love her, someone she could love with all her heart.  Not just someone, a man, a partner, a friend, a lover.  Would she ever find that missing piece, that was her goal, that was her heart's desire, that was now her focus.


Submitted: June 27, 2011

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