I hope . . .

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
An abusive relationship isn't always easy to see. You go on with your life putting it under the rug. Until someone, like your male roommate, points it out to you. Looking back at the years you realize you've been fighting for your life.

Submitted: January 12, 2015

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Submitted: January 12, 2015

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I Hope . . .

 

“Stop.” I’ve said the word so many times in my head, but until that day it never came out of my mouth.

“What?” Jacob asked stepping back slightly, anger shuddering through him.

“Stop,” I repeated wiping away my tears.

“You might want to re-think that.” I shook my head and I stood up to face my boyfriend.

“I’m done,” I told him “I’m tired of being abused.” I said the word without even knowing then continued before he shut me up. “And the thing that hurts more than your punches and that knife, is that fact that up until today, I still thought you cared.”

“What happened today?” he asked coldly.

 

I didn’t answer him but remembered it for myself. I was on my way out the door when

David came into the kitchen.  It was noon and I had stopped by for lunch, but he was just getting up, “Oh, nice of you join me.” he always drank, I mean he was one of Jacob’s friends, so obviously he was a partier. Lately though, it had been getting worse, almost daily.  

“I went to a party.” I rolled my eyes, I already knew that.

“Well, I hope you had fun because I came home with new cuts, that you promised to bandage, but you weren’t here.” He snapped out of his hangover as I tried not to cry.  I was always crying from pain, anger, sadness, everything made me cry.

“He’s using a knife?” I chuckled through the pain.

“Yes David, for some time now, I can’t believe you haven’t heard me say that, do you even listen to what you promise me?”  tears now streamed down my face, David was the only one I could act like my old self around, the only one I’m was not a closed book to, the only one I told about Jacob, and he didn’t even listen. “I have to go,” I said grabbing my keys and putting on my flip flops,

“You’re going to work in sweat pants.” I looked down at my oversized junk clothes and nodded. Not the place cared, I work at a college Library, almost everyone I see is in sweat pants.

“Yeah,” I turned to leave wiping my face.

“Wait-Isabella, wait.” he said shutting the door on me, “Don’t go to his house tonight, don’t go see Jacob.  We can stay in, together.”  I shook my head

“David, you know he’ll come after me, he’ll find me”

“How?” David asked, he knew I kept my apartment hidden because if Jacob found out where I lived, he wouldn’t ever leave.  He also didn’t know I lived with David, which was best, Jacob got jealous. I hadn’t realized it but subconsciously I was protecting myself.

“He’ll go see my mom again.” David shook his head.

“He won’t find you.” I smiled

“I can’t make him worry like that, David.” I never realized how naive I sounded

“Worried?” David asked “Isabella, are you crazy he doesn't care about you.”

“Of course he does,” I yelled back, I was getting defensive.

“No, Isabella, I care.  I worry about you everytime you’re with him. I can’t take what he does to you, but you won't let me turn him in.” I laughed, I actually laughed

“If you did you wouldn’t be drunk all of time, you would be home where I need you.”

David violently shook his head, “It’s why I drink.  Since I moved in with you, since I’ve started seeing first hand what he does to you, I’ve hated him.  I drink to drown you out, I can’t stand how much pain he puts you in. I drink because I don’t know how to help.  I drink because I can’t stand up to him. I drink because, because I love you and all he does is hurt you.” fresh tears had poured on my face and I left without another word.  But everything he said to me rang through my mind, the words repeated over and over until I could see my life just a

more clearly.

 

“What happened today?” Jacob repeated and I was back at his house

“Nothing,” I stuttered “I just realized the only thing you care about is control.” I started to walk away, I hoped his shock was enough to let me slip out the door.  But I haven’t had any good luck since I was in third grade.  He grabbed my hair and I was thrown back onto the floor.

I awoke in the morning two hours past my morning classes, but that also meant Jacob had left.  His boss wasn’t lenient on hours, especially in the spring when most days are too wet to work on roofs.  I quickly gathered my stuff and snuck out of the house.  I passed three rooms and realized I only spend any amount of time in his bedroom, and even in there you would never had guessed that a girl has been there.  Jacob was a slob and it showed, he had trash everywhere, the only time he ate a home cooked meal was when he made me cook, and the T.V. was the most used appliance in the entire house. I ignored those thoughts and headed home, if I wandered too long he’d show back up for lunch.  

I hit the shower first thing and watched as the red water went down the drain as I stepped in.  I winced at the hot water but got through it, even when the soap hit my open wounds.  I put my clothes in the washer, they probably got the same effect as I did in the shower.  I put on comfy clothes and climbed into my bed.  I was dizzy and tired and the only thing I was craving was sleep.  I didn’t take the time to treat my wounds though I knew I should, but my sheets had so many blood stains, what was a few more?

I heard the front door slam shut and I bursted awake.  I grabbed my cover and curled into a ball and immediately started crying.  

. the thought repeated in my head over and over again.  

? I told him I was living on the other side of town in a bad neighborhood in a bad apartment.  The landlord even said if Jacob came by he would lie for me, so how did he find me? Tears flooded from my eyes and I could hardly breathe, but no one entered my room.  Jacob didn’t burst in and start pounding on me, he didn’t yell through the house to find me, and he didn’t find me.  I went silent and stayed huddled up even though I’m sure it wasn’t Jacob, but I couldn’t move.

After another few minutes that felt more like days my door creeped open.  I bursted back into hysterics, but it was out of relief instead of fear.  David saw me and crawled over to hold me “I thought Jacob-” I stuttered the words but David just told me not to think about it, to relax.  I tried to, but I couldn’t, I could still feel his knife slowly slicing through my skin.  After some time I was able to slow my breathing and tried to let him hold me, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t accept his love, it didn’t feel right.

I jumped up and stepped away allowing him to really see me for the first time.  “Isabella” he gasped looking at me, seeing the blood seep through my clothes “I-” he looked down to see the stains I left on him. I caught his eye and we sat like this, silent.  We both knew what happened so why would he ask? Why should we said it?

David eventually got up and bandaged my wounds.  I thought about fighting, I didn’t want him to touch me, to see how bad it really was, to, to try to fix me because no one could.  But I pushed the thought away, I was too tired to fight and I had already lost a lot of blood.  I probably passed out more than I feel asleep, I had a rough night.  

David didn’t go out, he stayed in and made sure that I didn’t go out.  I was tempted, knowing if I didn’t go Jacob would come find me eventually, I couldn't stay away forever.  If he came then he would find me living with one of his old friends and he’d be able to come and get me whenever he wanted, he might have actually moved me out.  I didn’t go, or even try to, my cuts were too knew, the pain to fresh, I wouldn’t be able to fight past David and then have to fight Jacob, so I stayed where I was.

Afterwards while we were watching T.V was slowly leaning towards his alcohol.  Twice he opened the bottle and both times he put it back. He closed the lid and walked away sitting back on the couch with me only to get up a third time.  “Just get yourself a drink,” I demand but he shook his head, deciding once again he wasn’t going to get a glass.

“No,” he said opening the bottle

“Then why’d you get up?” I asked getting upset,

, I thought

“I won’t leave,” I told him but he kept shaking his head

“No,” he moved to the sink and poured the entire bottle down the drain, and then moved to the next bottle until his entire collection was gone.

“And that was?” I asked

“My promise to you, to stop drinking.” I got up and walked to him pounding my fist on the counter

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You told me I should be here, to not get drunk and leave and anyways, I’m going to ask you to do something as well, and it's going to be just as hard, maybe harder.”

“And?”

“And I wanted to prove I’m just as dedicated to this.”

“To what?”

“To-” I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I do now, it was us.  To us . . .

“What are you going to ask me?” I had interrupted and watched.  I watched him, I looked past his eyes to try to find his game, his lie.  Men always have a game.  I didn’t see anything though.  I didn't understand,

.  As he said the words though, I figured it out.

“I don’t want you to go back.” He admitted

“You want me to break up with Jacob?” I said the words slowly, I was almost testing out the thought. I was starting to accept it when he went on.  

“No, I want you to turn him in.” he’s said this before, but I’ve never understood,

“To who, his mom?” I asked joking off the whole thing, but David didn't.  He looked down at the counter, not even looking up when he said the words

“To the police.”

“Police? Why?” it was like something

didn’t connect and he

wouldn’t look up at me and that was when it hit me.  

.  I could only nod and weather I was just accepting the facts or the idea of turning Jacob in, I didn’t know, I still don’t know.

I sat in the police station waiting to tell my story, my problem.  I had tried to leave, more than once, but David kept me strong.  After an hour one of the policemen brought me in and asked me a bunch of questions.  I told them everything, and I was completely honest.  I told them from the time I met Jacob, high school, how our first few years were good, and when he started hitting.  I told them how I never moved in with him, that for some reason I stayed that far back.  I told them how the first few times he hit me I stood up for myself, but after so many times of him begging to get me back and because I believed he never meant to hurt me, somehow I became stuck.  I thought he loved me, that he cared for me and if it wasn’t for David, I would still believe that.  It was hard, I cried a lot, but I got through my story and they told me they would bring him in and that I was free to go.

Three days after the police station and fifty calls from Jacob later, I sat on my couch at 3am.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't look at my phone, I couldn't go to work.  All I had done these three days was sit, and David has sat with me.  I couldn't take it anymore though, sitting here, waiting for him to find me, I knew he was looking, he had left me a very rude voicemail saying so, I couldn't do it.  So at seven o’ clock I took a shower and headed for the college.

I attended my morning classes and skipped lunch and went to the library where I worked.  It was a mistake, it all was, and I knew that, but I did it all anyways.  We couldn’t live without income and if I didn’t go to class I would never get a real job and if I miss too many days at the library I’d get fired.  Getting fired meant dropping out of college, so there I was sitting behind a desk.

“Student ID” I said taking a book to scan without even glancing up.  It looked old, and didn’t have one of our library scan codes on it.  “Uh-” I started finding this whole situation odd, or I did until I heard the man say he wasn’t a student.  I tried to hold myself together as I looked up at the construction worker “Please,” I whimpered, and for the first time I wished I worked in the cafeteria instead of the unused library.

“I think we need to talk Isabella.”

He practically drug me out behind the booth and then threw me onto the ground.  “Jacob please,” I begged him

“I’m out on bail, you want to explain that?” I shook my head

“Jacob,” but what was I to say, this was all my fault, and nothing I said could fix that.  

“Turns out you’re living with David, can you explain that one?” I tried to stand but he shoved me back down

“David is just a friend,” I caught myself saying, but how true was it, and even if it was why should I defend myself against him “He cares for me.” I screamed even though Jacob was just getting closer and I was pinned against the wall.

“I care for you.” He told me

“No, you don’t if you did you wouldn’t hurt me so.” I said the words as he pulled out his knife “I love David, like I thought I loved you.”

I felt the knife enter my flesh and blood poured out of my mouth.  I hit the floor.  I see David pulling Jacob back, they fight.  In the end Jacob fell next to me and I hoped more than anything he wasn’t dead.  I hoped that he would live and he get sent to jail for the rest of his life.  I hoped that he would rot away for the next seventy years before dying a slow, painful death. I hoped I had those seventy years of peace to live my life, or live my after life.  I hoped he would get beat up and punished and hated in jail and I hoped when he died he would go to hell and I would never see him again.  

The next thing I remember is almost too painful to say, to think.  I didn’t wake up after I passed out in the library.  I left my body and watched as David sat in my hospital room crying.  I had tubes and needles and many other medical instruments attached to me and I heard the beeping of the heart monitor.  Doctors and nurses rushed in, but there was nothing they could do.  They left almost as quickly as they came in, leaving my mother and David sitting in the room. “You were her roommate?” My mother asked.  Her and David have never met, and I regret never introducing them.  

“Yes,” David didn’t talk much when he was upset, unlike my mother who couldn’t stop.

“I had no idea. Jacob seemed so nice” David nodded his head and my mother got up “I’m going to go-” she didn’t finish but tears filed her face and she fled from my side.  David held onto my hand

“Isabella” he cried “I love you, loved, in love.” He paused.

“I wanted to be with you, I thought we were going to have that chance, but no.  You never had someone who truly loved you, you’ve been with Jacob since high school, six years now.  I thought I could finally show you how amazing you were. I wanted to, I wanted to do so much.” he wiped a tear away. “I’m taking the bar test this weekend.  I should have taken it months ago like you wanted me too, but I was scared. Anyways, I’m going to take it, and then I’m going to put Jacob away for a long, long time. I promise I will never touch alcohol again, and I promise you I will find love, for the both of us, just know you’ll always be on my mind.”  He got up and kissed my forehead and placed one red rose on my chest. “I just wish you could hear me.”

“I can,” I yelled but I’m a ghost now, he couldn't hear me. Carefully I entered my once home and grabbed ahold of the rose. The doctors would say it’s a muscle reflex from something or other, but the look on Davids face, that smile, let me know that he understood.  He knows that, that one simple movement was my promise.  That I promised to watch him, to always be with him, to take care of him, and that I would find him someone to love, for us. And when he named his little girl Isabella, for some reason, unknown by anyone but me and David, her favorite flower was a rose.

 


© Copyright 2019 Alyster Nightwind. All rights reserved.

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