My dad

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
My father is an aloholic scizophrenic. This is not professional and is just my thoughts, I only want to publish it as I need to get feelings of my chest

Submitted: April 06, 2016

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Submitted: April 06, 2016

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For as long as long as I can remember my dad has not been a healthy man! When I was younger and naive I thought my dad was so strong and could take on the whole entire world, I know he was ill but he was my dad so he could defeat anything in my eyes. I never noticed the constant can of beer in his hand or the change in his attitude and personality. Ever year I get stronger and healthier my father gets weaker and sicker. I could write a list as long as the Great Wall of China, recounting stories from my dads child and teen hood of the juvenile experience he would have. He has drank and smoked since he was a young teen and that is his life, he knows no difference it is routine for my dad. My father is no innocent man and can be held accountable for a number of wrongful acts. Some of which he had paid for. However my dad pays for just living and breathing every single day, constantly punished for his existence. When I was around 8 my father went to jail and it was then he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was to young to know what that was and I don't remember much of went on and how my family reacted. The only memories I have of this time are visiting my dad in jail and being searched for smuggling in drugs or something we shouldn't have been. I found this absurd at the time because, I thought of my dad as an innocent man and how innocent my whole family were, and how we would never do anything like that. I'm older now and look on the situation from a mature position and realise the bail conditions my father broke and how its procedure to do this no matter the age of the visitor. I realise now that nobody know my dad was ill and he seemed to just be this violent man who drank to much and could never understand his actions or what was going on in his head. I realise how scared my dad must have been to hear these voices in his head, telling him that everyone was against him. That his own brother and father were demons and we're trying to attack him. That he had voices telling him to throw himself under a train and other I unimaginable things, morning noon and night. I also remember visiting my father once he was admitted to hospital and visiting him there, meeting some of the loveliest people I have ever met. I also remember seeing patients drugged up to their eyeballs and lying motionless on couches. I can't remember much about my life, which is either because I've blocked it  out or my whole life has been so hectic that every day has just turned into one big day and I don't realise that there are days and nights. I do remember days here and there and have memories of my past. Some are happy some sad and some scary. I remember good times I've had with my father and I love looking back at photos to relive those happy times! Sadly the bad times overshadow the good times. I have numerous memories of going out for meals with my father and having to phone my grandparents I'm floods of tears as my dad had drunk after promising not to and was incoherent to his surroundings or responsibilities. Times we've went far from
Home and my father had done this, one of which was when we were close to my uncles and I had to at the age of ten find my bearings in a large city and find my uncles house. I have acting like the adult many times with my father and I feel bitter about that. He's my father he's supposed to protect me not the other way about! I always will protect my dad. It's just I wish he was healthy not Ill and not an alcoholic! I was he and my mum were still together and I had a normal life. I love my life and I'm very lucky to have the family I do and the privileges I have. It would just be just easier if my dad was not the person he is right now. 
Over the last few years things have gotten really bad and last year my dad ended up in hospital moments from death. The alcohol had finally took its tall and I thought I had lost him. I've never seen my dad look so far gone as he did in that hospital. I would speak to him and he would look right through me, he was so Unresponsive and he was not my dad! He was a shell of a man who had lost his battle in life. He was so ill and yellow his eyes were yellow and I remember looking into them and thinking your not the man I know. Even though my dad has always drunk there were some times he went to rehab and sorted his life out and i finally had a dad, this did not last long and is the reason he ended up as ill as he was. I feel angry at my dad for putting us all through this! I was doing my exams at the time my dad was ill and instead of good luck wishes from my dad, I was making wishes for him to not die! I don't see my little brother every day as we have different mums, but I know how hard t affects him as well. My brother always sticks up for my dad and sees the best in him. He has so much optimism that he won't drink and will improve and will be normal again. Everyone else knows that's not true. It was good for a few months everything was happy and I had my dad back once again a healthy dad who could hold a conversation and was regaining his strength. I couldn't believe it, nobody could! Even the doctors were in shock at how much my dad had improved. It was amazing we were all so proud of him. He was getting his life back on track and making a go of life again. That didn't last long and my dad started drinking today. My grandmother has just told me it looks as though the drink has a hold of him once again and his livers are giving up as he's yellow once more! My dad thinks because he's better he can drink again and everything will be fine! My dad is not better my dad is just not ill, there is a big difference. He's not only killing himself but his whole family as well! My gran and di have already had to bury a daughter they shouldn't have to bury a son as well. I love my dad and I always will I will always be there for him when he needs me and I may be angry and want to kill him myself for what he is putting everyone through but I will always defend him. If I were to hear someone say bad against them I would snap! My dad may as well put a gun against his head and pull the trigger because he's killing himself and at least that way it would be quick, instead of this long process. I used to blame alcohol for my fathers actions and I set out on a mission of convincing everyone how evil alcohol is! But that's not the case now, it's my dad's fault he is how he is! He doesn't need to drink it's been proven. However he does and for that I hate him. I hate him for what he's done to us all, I hate him
For being a crap dad, I hate him for not being there enough for my brother, but most of all I hate him
For not trying! I love my dad more than anyone and I wish he would get better but I do hate him, I'm
Not ashamed to say it. My dad is an idiot, yes he's very ill but he can beat it he's has done before. But he always always picks drink over his family. I love my dad and I always will, I just find it hard to keep fighting for him. He keeps messing up and lying and breaking promises to us. He's ill, he's going to hear voices, but he's had help with that and has medication. Why does he keep making his suffering worse by drinking. I know by this time next year I won't have a dad and I pray everyday I wake up that it's not today he goes. My dad is going to be back In hospital and he won't be out but the whole time he's there I will be the to hold his hand. I'm Amber Miller and my dad is a schizophrenic alcoholic. 


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