The events that do not shift your life at all, and the ones that change your mind forever. Shifts and tremors that never leave you as you were. As you just so happened to be being. Events and storms that make you certain of your current state, and that familiar state you cannot travel back to possessing. Before and after. During and because. Images that are as alive as you were when they became a living part of you. The vision of you seeing me. I am forever changed, forever different for that moment. Forever remembering until I am taken away. Grabbed in the night, waiting and yet helpless. Suspecting to be not always the same makes you different from before and after you are stunned and blank and ready to meet it all over and over again and to consider the because and the during as the new and the different. So much has made me different. Younger I was already exhausted and older now I am ready to begin. Could it ever have been easy? Ready to hope for infinite chances and gripping this long list of reasons to be allowed to continue past the pain and into the comfort of shifting my own outcome. What shift did not happen to make it all the better? And better yet, what creates the shift? What is absent from most everyday when nothing can change myself? When all I do is keep on with currents of aging and organizing life into the understandable. Having to live off the observable. Fitting together all the data that is available and discernable. Doubting step after step every time I climb out of the warm rushing current of a life that’s kept going. Afterwards falling back into a rhythm not my own but nature’s demand. Traveling to so many places you aren’t possessing. This eternity of events before and the after still ahead, still waiting and unable.
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