life is fickle

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21st century india love on social: saw on, search on facebook and love on whatsapp!

Submitted: March 21, 2016

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Submitted: March 21, 2016



Life is so fickle……

One BEST Quote which make me strong the minute I trickle down:

I’m still wondering how life can be so unpredictable. One minute, everything will be so good and then suddenly next minute, everything just turns around. Some people come into life for a moment, a day, a month or two, a year or a lifetime. It matter not the time they spent with us but how they impacted our life in that time. We try something very hard but in the result, we are LOOSERS. Why is that we go behind people who never want to be with us, why do we need them the most in our life, why do we cry for them, why do we remember them before going to
bed and first in morning, why do we miss them every second of our life, why do we wait for their text and call every day, why do we respond on unknown numbers on first ring and think he/she is reaching to me from different number, why do we check their Facebook updates every day, why do we see their profile 10times a day, why do we still expect and wait for the magic to happen in our life, when we finally know the person will never ever turn back to us. WHY??? Why don’t we have answer for this WHY’s, why are we living our life with this WHY’s and still waiting?

As other youngsters I too plan to settle in marriage life and created account on One Interest acceptance on 7th Feb, 2013 changed my life completely. Same day late evening 9.45pm I had ping on Facebook “HI ABC... Good evening.. If you don’t mind.. Can i be your friend??” I ignored as it was from unknown person. For a second time on 9th Feb, 2013 evening at 6pm got a ping from same person “HI, can we be friends”, still I ignored. On 10th Feb evening I scroll through his profile and it seem to be interesting and pity decent, so I responded “Hello, sure we can be friend”, proximately in 1min I got a friend request on FB and I accepted. We were friends then. We had a chat for quite some time introducing ourselves to each other’s, he request my mobile number and I intoned him I would share when we get more close to each other. Next two days he again ping me on FB and I was least bothered to reply him immediately and respond back when so ever I was free.

I was online on FB and got a ping around 7pm saying “HI” and started chatting. While chatting I was shocked by one ping from him, “I had sent you a request on and you accepted, do you remember me?”; I was stun for a moment and quickly login into and scroll down the list of Accepted Members. Oh!!! Yes, I didn’t recognize him he was the same person. I apologized him on not recognizing. I was very happy but didn’t express to him because one corner of heart had a crush on him from the day I accepted his request on FB and the same person expressed interest to me on WOW!!! That was the moment of dream coming true. He was explaining me how he found me on FB and how eagerly he was waiting for my reply on FB from the day he expressed interested to me on, I thanked him for his efforts in finding me and patiently waiting for my replies.

Few days of chatting and getting known about each other better, I thought I should take it forward and decide to share my contact number and more over he was being requesting for my number every single day when we chat. 21st Feb 2013, I shared my number with him and first day I heard his voice, his first word on call was “My Name”, instead of “Hello”, that was the moment I felt he swept off my feet and touched my soul, we spoke about 5-8min. Then on we stopped chatting on FB and started our chat on “Whatsapp” and now the chat became more easy handy and day-night long chats. I loved chatting with him all day-night whole and still felt unhappy while wishing Good Night.
He became first start and last end of my every day. I was totally living his life in mine. We got close to each other within short span of time and very close to heart. And those days’ feelings, can’t express in words. Those were the few best days of my life. I can’t imagine my day without him; he became the essence of my daily life.

Our chats were never been romantic; we were talking a lot, but donno what were we talking. One message which still reminds me every second of my life is “Dear, will you be friend if you don’t like me after our face to face meeting, if our marriage will not work out, will you be my best friend till the last breath, I will not leave your friendship till I die”, I swear this message squeezed my heart to the core and I promised “I will”.

I started missing him every second of my life, even while with friends, however happy I am, were ever I am I was missing him. However busy I might be I never ignored his call nor replied late on messages. He became everything to me in my life and nothing was important than him, not even my work, parents, friends, relatives none of them. He was stolen all their importance from me. He was the guy I dreamed to have in my life and it’s like my dream coming true and I am living in dreamer world with my dream boy. I had lost myself in him.

We decide to meet up face to face one day to speak on how to take our relationship forward. We planned a lot on our meeting with lot of expectation and eagerness in both of us. We were eagerly waiting for the day to come, planned together on what to wear, what to talk and many more. Finally decided to catch up on weekend. I was sooperr.. doopperrr happy and excited on our meeting.

Unlucky, I was forced to drop back our meeting plan because of sudden alliance arranged by my dad and I was must needed at home then going to meet him. Now that I realized I haven’t spoken to my parents about him. I whatsapp him saying I can’t meet him as planned because of sudden arrange of alliance by dad. He was very angry on that and shouted on me for the 1st time, “I had already sent you my pics on whatsapp and told you to show it to your parents also, but seems like you aren’t interested in me, why did you agree for alliance today”, he was on highs and couldn’t convince him. I just left him there because I didn’t have answers with me on his questions and I went on with my alliance which I was not at all interested.

That night I was reading through his messages and it made sense. I should tell parents on this. But I was very scared to tell them about him because I don’t know how they will react to it, what they say, will they say yes to him or not and lot more questions were going in my head. But as fact I have to inform them, took very deep breathe and stepped out of room going forward to tell them about him. But I don’t know what made me to step back without telling them anything. Came back to my room, crab my mobile and ping him, “Hey, I told parents about you and showed your pic also”. I was praying for positive reply from his side and god’s grace his reply was “What did they say, did they say no, and they didn’t like me” and lot many question were pooping up. He was much tensed, with great efforts I tried convening him saying nothing much to worry, they have asked me to meet you once and if I like later they will take it forward. He was fine with all this and replied I am scared, what if this is not working for us, your parents will think I was bad and just flirting with you, they might think bad about you also, I am really very scared. I cram him down and told will step forward with positive thinking and everything will be fine and will work out for us. That day we didn’t chat much and first time he himself ended our chat greeting Good Night. But I still wonder even today why I lied to him; I don’t know what made me to say all this to him.
Days were smooth as usual with same chatting, talking, fighting, sorry, thank you, planning for meeting and cancel by either of us. At some point of times I felt he is avoiding me; some time felt he is normal and I am thinking too much, mixed and confused feeling. One day I was prepared to meet him however busy I or he may be, but unfortunately it was again cancelled. I was pissed off by this time. I was wondering what and where it’s going wrong and why are we not able to meet up every time when we plan. With a strong mind and decision, I whatsapp him
saying “this is not working out for us, will not take it forward anymore and we will end our relation here right now”. I wish this decision should have been my final words, but when he requested for one more chance for him to show his love on me, I wouldn’t say NO. He apologized me on not making up the meeting and promised this will not repeat. This words were more than enough for me to normal with him and again back with same old days of chatting and soon.


A very long awaited meeting of ours finally happened. We meet on weekend evening at a Mall. I was there on time and he was late by 15-20min. while glancing the new collection in shopperstop I got a ring from him and said turn back, I immediately turn around and he was in front of me. The day was finally here and I saw him face to face. He didn’t greet me as soon he saw (It felt bit wired) and thought it might be because we knew each other very much and close too. I was super excited to see him and I had no words to talk much. I was talking a lot on phone and chatting all day long but when he was in front of my eyes I was speechless. We didn’t plan what to wear on this meeting because both of us were not confident enough on meeting. But it was so coincident that both of us were in Blue and Black which is both of our favorite color, I was in Blue top and black jeans; he was in black shirt and blue jeans. I was thanking god inside myself for giving him in my life and for destiny making us meet.

While having food at McD we were discussing on next steps towards our wedding, I was asking him whether he has gone to my profile completely on, he told yes I have but I don’t remember exactly because it’s been months now I had expressed interest to you and I am not much active on I said, okay and started telling him about myself, my caste, sub-caste, family background and soon. As I was telling him all this he stopped me at a point and asked me can you please repeat your caste, I repeated and asked “I hope you have seen all this in my profile”, he was silent for a moment and said NO I didn’t see your caste while expressing interest I might have missed, I thought you’re also same caste of mine. I didn’t know what to reply for this explanation from him. After sometime of silence between us I broke the silence by asking him, “how can you express interest to someone without going to profile completely, anyhow it has happened and we can’t change it now. While my caste is a problem for our marriage?” He replied I don’t know I need to talk to family on this and take their opinion; I don’t have any problem if my family is okay. He comforts me saying everything will be fine; he will take care of all this. After sometime of chatting we started from there and he asked me to walk with him till bike parking, while walking quickly I remember one thing and told him we will go back to mall again. He was laughing seeing me acting crazy and forcing him to walk back. That was the first time he touch me and hold my hand and asked “what happened baby?” with his cute smile on his face and I felt I can act more crazier in front of him to see that real smile on him and I truly went mad for that smile. I replied him with an innocent voice “I forgot to click a pic with you, this is our first meeting and this pic gonna be a memory for us in future after marriage”, he laughed and said “hmmmm… chalo will go”, we came back to mall and clicked couple of pictures together. He dropped me at auto stand and was waiting till auto moved and told to drop him text soon I reach home, I asked him to do the same. Approximately after 5min there was text message in my inbox “Thank you so much for ending my day so sweetly, it was nice meeting you”. I was warmed by seeing the message and replied same here and texted him soon reaching home.

Late in the night I was remembering our meeting and what we spoke. One sentence that made me go crazy for him and fall in love with him was, “Do you agree with me that, Love is the feeling we have for other person and it doesn’t include sex”, this time I actually thanked god for giving him and prayed we should be together lifelong. He was the guy for whom I been waited for 25yrs, this was the sentence I was expecting from my man and this is the true love feeling. I was pleased and blessed on the day. The happiness I had on the day was the best, which doesn’t have words to frame and express it. That was THE BEST!!!

For two, three days we didn’t talk much, but I was still enjoying the ticks that I had spent with him. Tuesday noon while working at office my phone vibrated with a text message on whatsapp and as expected it was his message. All the happiness, dreams, feeling, emotions everything was collapsed when I open and started reading the message, “Hey, we have a bad news for both of us, my family is not acceptable with our marriage because of different caste, I had an big fight with them last night and ma mom is asking to come back to native and work there, my brothers and sister-in-laws are also not talking to me, they all are very angry on me, I am sorry”. I was shock for a second and wouldn’t react anything immediately, after sometime I replied “I wanna talk to you”, he denied by saying he is at office and can’t talk he will call back me in evening. I was waiting for his call, but the call never came. Around 9pm I called him again, he was not even trying to convince me in a good manner instead he told “please try to understand and leave this here, we can’t marry”. My heart was broken into bits and wouldn’t accept his words, before I say something he told okay now you take care, bye and hang on my call without listening to my words. First time I realized how attached I am to him and how madly I love him. But as fact I need to accept the truth and move on, I text him at late night, “that’s okay dear you tried you best to work out our relation into marriage but it failed, I can understand your situation and I know how bad you will feeling for this failure, you take care”.

Days spent without talking to him was hell, I was so addicted to him and his chatting. Now no messages, no calls I was going mad every second of time. Wouldn’t concentrate on work, not able to talk with friends, no answer to any calls and the worst was I couldn’t share my feelings with him. I wanted him to call me and tell me not to worry and be beside me to make me strong. But no he was least bothered about me. He never called me nor he never text me.

After couple of days I clear-curtly told myself I can’t wait any more like this and dialed his number, he was very happy seeing ma call which I sense in his voice, he thanked me more than 10 times for dialing him and he told he is very happy talking to me and more over he is relaxed that I am not angry on him. But it was other way I dialed him to scold him how much ever I want and to end the relation there, but after listing to his words I wasn’t able to utter even single word from ma mouth and I replied “I am you best buddy need not thank me”. He told he was missing me very much every day and was eagerly waiting for my call. I asked instead of waiting why you didn’t dial me, after long time I was able to laugh because of him again, he replied “I was scared to call you”. I don’t know why I didn’t scold him on the call, why did I forgive him so easily, why am I talking to him as if nothing has gone wrong, why didn’t I say him how much I cried for him, why didn’t I tell him that I was living in hell without talking to him, why didn’t I tell him I can’t live without him in life, why didn’t I tell him his importance in my life, in
between all this why’s I was happy that he is talking to me and he is happy thinking I am normal and I didn’t wish to disappoint him and miss him again saying all this why’s.

We continued our relation as before, regular calls, text message, long night chats. Sometimes I was feeling he is very close to me and he is very important to me in life, sometimes I was feeling he is very far to me, sometime very close friend, sometimes more than a friend and sometimes he was completely a stranger. I was totally blank in understanding our relationship. What can I name our relation, there were many days I sat over night thinking on what to name our relation, are we friends, are we lovers, are we strangers, are we best friends, are we couples… what are we??? What can I name the relation I have with him; I don’t have answer with me even today. It was a relation which has no NAME, but I was happy the way it was going on because I want him to be happy at any point of time and I was not ready to take up the fact that he is not mine. Days passed on like this we became more and more close to each other than we were before.

One fine day we decided to meet up again and spend a day together. Plan was from his side and told he want to spend some valuable time with me, which I was willing too. We planned for a movie, lunch, long drive, coffee chat and dinner together. Both of us were excited to meet each other again. But fortunately we were forced to drop back the plan because of his back pain which he had because of wrong work out at gym. I was very disappointed on the day because I was waiting to see him again and he was also disappointed (I hope). Same evening while talking over phone he told he want to tell me something and asked me to promise him that i will be the same as I am now with him. I replied yes. He started,” I don’t know how to tell you and more over I don’t know how will you take it and how you react to it, but I want to inform you because it shouldn’t be a shocking surprise to you in future”. I was getting tensed as on when his words became more concern about my feeling, I told whatever it might be I will not take it to my heart. He took a very deep breathe (which I was able to hear on call) and told, my mom and brothers have finalized on my wedding and everyone in family liked the girl very much. I stopped him and asked “Did you like the girl”? He replied, “Yes, I too like her and we gonna get engaged very soon once our janam kundil matching are fine”. I didn’t talk anything at the moment, I just congratulated him on finding his partner and told I will call back as I am bit busy in work. But actually I was travelling back to home after office hours.

I decided now I shouldn’t be in his life any more as he has found his partner now and didn’t call him or text him even to check on his health. I was able to hold back myself for 2days, after that I wasn’t able to stop myself and texted him on 3rd day asking why didn’t he ping or call me from 2days. He replied he was very sick and also had a fever, said in fact “you should have called me to check on my health, you are so mean you didn’t even text me too, how sick you are”. I didn’t answer for this question again here, but replying sorry, I was busy at work.

After all this, we again got together and started talking to each other. He forced me to meet him only once at least for a coffee in evening or for a dinner or lunch and told he want to talk to me something, which I denied saying NO. He forced me for 3days continuously and then he even stopped texting me also. I paused for 2 more days for his text and call, by the time even i also decided to meet him once finally to greet him final goodbye. I dialed him early morning he was in gym and told he will call me back. I texted him saying I want to meet him same day. He replied “you are mad, if you suddenly tell me how I can make it up, Okay gimme sometime I will call you once I am out of gym”. I was waiting till 10am and I again called him up and
started asking him why didn’t he call me back when he know I will waiting for his call and I was talking nonstop, he stopped me for a while and asked me in anger “Are you in love with me by any chance?” I didn’t reply anything and more over I was scared to say “YES” to him even though I wanted to scream and tell him Yes, I Love You. Before I open my mouth he said, okay I understood but whatever you are expecting will not work out and I gonna end all this here, I will never get in touch with you again and I request you also to not do. Good bye and take care.

I was so pissed off by his words and didn’t know how to react to his behavior. I didn’t call him or text him again for 2days. I was thinking for 2days what to do. Finally decided I will call him and tell him I will spend one day with him on which he been requesting me and on the same day I will end up the relation too with him and decided that I will do that on his birthday which was up coming. To tell him on my decision I tried calling him more than 20-30times and sent him around 20 text messages asking him to call back me or at least to temme why he is disconnecting my call. I didn’t get any reply. I went mad in night wasn’t able to sleep and wanted to see him somehow and tell him on my decision. I was thinking overnight how to see him or how to find him and tell him all. While thinking how I suddenly remembered our initial days chatting on FB where he had shared his residency address. I immediately got up on log on to FB and started reading all our chat history from the day one. But the address was only area name which he had shared with me. While going to chat I just chick on some message which was sent by phone and that click took me through google map and it was screening form which area the message was sent along with the street and cross numbers. I felt I am blessed and felt very happy at that time to find the address lucky and thanked god for giving me the chance to meet him. I noted down the address in my phone book and decided to go next early morning before my office hours starts. When I saw clock it was already 4am and 5am I will get office cab. I started getting ready and got into cab and while going on the way I decided I will get down at my campus entrance and from there I will take a rick and go to his place. As I already planned asked cab driver to stop at entrance and got down.

It was 4th July, 2013 early morning 5.45am when I got down from cab and took auto. But the address I had wasn’t clear and auto driver was roaming each and every street to find the address and building I was asking for. Only clue I had was he stay in an apartment which has a big black gate. I told the same to auto driver. While roaming in same area for more than 1hour the cops of area stopped our auto and asked the details of mine and driver. I bravely answered the cop that I am finding a friend home who promised to get a job and his phone is switched off and interview is at 10am I need to find him before that and requested to primate us to go and find him. Cops believe my words and allowed to go by noting down mine and auto driver names, mobile numbers and areas from where we both from. But I wasn’t willing to keep auto driver in risk so I asked to drop me back to same place from I got in. he was very concern person and told, “madam I am able see the tension on your face, don’t worry about me madam and don’t worry police will not caught me because I am not criminal. I can help you find the place you are searching for”. I was glad for his words and thanked him for his concern heart. But told I don’t think I can find his place I lost the hope we have almost searched the whole area from 1.30hrs, so will go back. Driver said madam we have searched the entire street in right side once will check in left also and even than if we are not finding I will drop you in same place. I agreed and we took a left and started searching we crossed 2 streets but didn’t find I was resting my head on seat and praying god to help me to find his place, it was a really a miracle happened, as
soon I open my eyes I saw his bike parked inside a big black gate as I remembered his bike number I screamed and told auto driver “sir, it’s here only, it’s this building, I found it sir, please stop here”. He stopped and I thanked him for helping me to find the place and paid him Rs.500/-. Got inside the gate and touched his bike and kissed it with love.

I recollected him saying he stay in last floor. I stepped forward and started claiming stairs with fingers crossed. I reached last floor and prayed god It should not be in wrong address and I want him to open the door. I knocked the door for 2min there was no response, then thought I was in wrong floor and turn back to get down to 3rd floor and knock their door. Before I turn I heard someone opening the door and it was he. Yes, it was him. I was happy it was he and he was shocked seeing me there and asked how I found his place. He asked to get inside and closed the door. He started asking me how I found his place and was in high temper seeing me in his place. I told leave all this and tell me why you are not talking to me and why are you not responding on my calls not even replying on my text. He was such a cruel person he wasn’t ready to talk to me for 5min also he was asking me just get out of his place and he don’t want to talk to me. Told he don’t like me anymore and he don’t want talk a single word with me. I was still standing in his place. He behaved very weirdly and he just wanted me to get out from there. I told, but I struggled a lot to find your place and came over to talk with him. I requested him to speak for 5min and I will walk out. He told I am irritating him and he don’t want to see my face also. I clear-curtly told without talking I am not stepping out from here. He was very angry and told tell whatever you want to say and fuck off from here as soon as you can. I was stunned by his word “Fuck Off”. I precise my anger, dropping my bags on floor went forward to sit on chair, he dragged chair away and said tell me what you want to say and go away. You don’t worth to sit in ma place. I lost my temper when he drew chair away from me. There was extra chair on which there were lot of his dirty clothes were dumped, I took all them aside and sat. As I sat on chair he came near to me in anger and hold my hairs tightly and pulled me away from chair and hit me, pulled me front and back holding my hair tight in his hand and took towards a wall and hold my neck tightly for 3min and I started losing my breathe and struggling to escape from his hands. He used all vulgar language to me which I can’t say it. I went finding him for something and what happened to me was something. After all this I didn’t stay there for a second. On spot I asked him to delete my number in front of me, made him to block me on FB and took my bags and walked out from his place. After coming out he called me twice, I scolded him nonstop and told not to call back again.

OMG!!! Life is so unpredictable. I was very angry on him for taking hand on me for no reason. From 4th July, 2013 my days became so miserable I started living life in dark, crying day and night. Completely forgot going to work, having food, not talking to anyone, I was living in a HELL. Many times I certainly step forward to suicide and end my life. I can’t precise how I am spending my days. Even after all this happened in my life I tried reaching him again on his birthday 17th July, 2013. But he didn’t respond on my call, tried reaching him from other number on which he answered and asked who is this, I replied it’s me and he again got angry on me and asked why did you call me, I didn’t care for his words and replied Many returns of the day, he told I am in roaming, can’t talk and disconnected the call.

Why did I call him even after all this, why is that I am waiting for him to come back in my life, why am I crying for him, why am I wasting my life for him. Why? Why? Why? I don’t have answer with me. But I just want him that’s it.
But he is least bothered to talk to me and he is living his life so happy without any guilt feeling on what he did with a girl. He is enjoying his life with lot many trips, getting new hair styles, parties and soon which I was following in FB. When I messaged him on FB again he blocked me, he blocked me every ever now and he changed his contact number too.

I want to convey only one message to him, if he ever gets a chance to read this by any chance. These words are for him “Please remember I am still waiting for you, I don’t know for how long, it’s a long way back I have been but there’s nowhere else to go. You have hurt me and broken my heart into pieces but I still love you in that broken piece too, I remember you every second of my life, I am missing you very much and still waiting for you. You mean more to me, Please come back to me you are everything to me. I am ready to accept you the way you are I am not angry on you for taking hand on me and hit me. I am still waiting and will be waiting for you even if you come back to me at 60th year of your age. I will still love the same how much I love you now. Please understand my love on you. I truly love you, but never tied to express it to you. I LOVE YOU”.



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