An Anti-Twilight FanFic

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Alright, first off. Twitards, you don't want to read this. You won't be happy, and I don't want to deal with your bullshit hate comments.
There's your warning.

Second, I tried to mimic Stephanie Meyers poor writing, so it feels more real to those reading it. And the characters aren't OOC. ^_-

Basic storyline: Bella is a whiney Mary-Sue who will do anything for Edward.
Yeah, that's my fanfic storyline, not the actual book.
Umm, involves non-graphic sexy situation. And... Iunno, if you're weird with that stuff... Do whatever it is you people do (Tim Minchin

Submitted: May 08, 2009

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Submitted: May 08, 2009

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Edward and Bella were about to have sex. For the first time. Edward was looking forward to having sex with Bella because she is seventeen and he is a 107 year old pedophile. Plus, he is a virgin and has never had sex, not even in a hundred years. Because he is really suave with the ladies.

Anywho, Bella was begging and screaming and crying to Edward.
"Please Edward, have sex with me! I want to make sexy-time with you! I'm desperate!"

Then Edward started rubbing toothpaste into his skin, beacause he likes to be extra sparkly. Then Edward kissed her, trying not to bite her face off.
And then he got a tad bit frisky and pulled down her pants.
"Bella," he said. "What the hell is that?"

With chagrin, Bella crossed her legs.
"I thought this is what you wanted." she whined. "Does this mean you don't love me?"
Edward stared in between Bella's legs with wonder.
"It's..." He didn't know what to say. He didn't know if this was normal. "It's a penis!" he cried.

Then Bella started to cry hysterically. "You don't love me!" she whined. "Because I am a lonely moon and blahblahlblah melodrama."
"Well, no. Not with a tiny penis like that!" Edward spat, stepping away from Bella with disgust and pulling a whole bunch of weird faces. "I'm a big man! I like big penis!"
Bella continued sobbing, ashamed that her first time having sexy-time was ruined. "If you don't want it Edward, then I'll cut it off." she cried, searching for a pair of scissors. Then she found the scissors and cut off her tiny penis.

Blood poured everywhere, Bella's penis fell to the floor. Bella cried and screamed in pain.
Edward had never been so turned on before in his life. The sweet smell of Bella's blood filled his nose. The main reason he loved Bella, was for her blood. And now she was bleeding freely.

Then Edward jumped at the whiney Bella, and ate her. Because her blood was like tomato sauce. And she was yummy.
And then she died. And then Edward, sad he was still a virgin, went and offered to fuck Jacob Black.
Then Jacob and his puppies killed Edward, and then the world was happy.

The End.


© Copyright 2020 Amy2609. All rights reserved.

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