Little Red, Riding in Da Hood (feat Weezy)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A sequel from Little Red Riding Hood, this is a gangsta edition. Little Red is a hardcore hustler whose on a quest to deliver his momma's 'Special Kush Rocky Roads' for his sick grandma. It all goes wrong when his curiosity and headstrong disobedience result in his journey to stretch, causing him to come across one half a tonne gangsta which he may come to regret.

Submitted: July 21, 2014

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Submitted: July 21, 2014

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There once lived hood rat thug named Red. Red was a true hustler and hustling was the only way he new how to make money. He is defined by his sheer intimidation and violence, obliterating anyone or anything that enters his ‘block’ which is spray painted to the max with scruffy emblem’s of Red’s gang; The Infamous Banana Bay Hellbounds. What a bent name right? That’s exactly what the local paper boy said in disgust at the spray painted mess splattered next to Red’s ‘welcome to living hell’ mat. Since that day; nothing was ever heard of the paper boy. Cleverly nicknamed red by his fellow homies (who have an odd habit of sagging their pants until their a$$ shows) because Red is known to have a extraordinarily short temper, exactly like a Bull when he is shown red. After being a well respected member of the Infamous Banana Bay Hellbounds, Red now puffs his hairless chest out, with his 2 Chainzz swinging from side to side, showing his pride on the outside, but sweating on the inside as he anticipates a drive-by. Although he may have a puny, skin and bones type body, you must not be fooled by his exquisite Joey Barton like aggression!

As the potent sun blazes it’s sun rays, directly emitting their radiation on to Red’s block, (most likely the cause of Red’s lack of brain cells) the metallic bright green low-rider Red’s riding in, blinds civilian’s within near distance as the sunlight reflects off the hundreds of spokes advancing down ‘Needle Park’ a block defended by The Banana Bay Hellbounds. Due to the fact that Red is driving as slow as possible in an attempt to seem more intimidating, his mum has time limp down the road after him, clutching on a filled box of Rocky Roads.

“Aye! Boy where’d ya think you’re goin’? Hasn’t a mother raised you well enough to know to stop when I’m speaking to you?”

Immediately Red brings his pimping low-rider to a hault.

“Damn what you want ma, I’m busy!?”

“Busy!? Busy!? Boii get yourself a job instead of sponging off these council benefits and then you’ll be busy! You’ve done nothing for this family, sometimes I’m ashamed to call you my son!”

A sarcastic smirk immediately appeared on Red’s face. He was less than impressed as a lengthy queue began to form behind him.

“Hurry up ma, I ain’t got time for your bull, whatcha want?”

“Boii your nan is sick, she ain’t got time to be draggin’ her fat carcass around shops! Take these to her, and don’t even think about puttin’ one of them in your filthy mouth!”

“Do they have cannabis?”

“Are you serious!?” she exclaimed

“Damn”

“They got weed, how rich do you think we are boii?”

Immediately Red put the pedal to the metal and accelerated away from the woman who once gave birth to him; leaving her in the polluted dust filling the roads of Needle Park.

Not even Red was cold hearted enough to leave his grandma in such hunger, but obviously he was going to nick one of his mum’s special Kush Rocky Roads! This wasn’t particularly the greatest idea, as he still had six miles until he reached his Nan’s house in ‘Needmore’. Obviously oblivious to the fact that you shouldn’t do drugs while driving, because it severely decreases reaction time and concentration as well as reducing the amount of brain cells in the long run, Red was an accident waiting to happen, for the second time in his life! Maybe if he’d had listened to one of Lil Wayne’s songs, he would have been put off by the negative power of drugs. After just one joint, followed by the recording of a 16 bar verse, Lil wayne had actually managed to kill the entire Hip Hop culture! Hip Hop has been known to be dead ever since.

 

Nevertheless, Red carried on his travels while riding so high he could eat a star (A line extracted from a song written by the Einstein that is Lil Wayne). In fact, Red was riding so high that he decided to crash down into an empty ally way, leading to the exit of a strip club, and take a nap for half an hour or so. He soon fell asleep to the illusions of flying elephants, walking mermaids, and Man Utd actually managing to secure a Champions League place. As his beady little eyes opened; really living up to his name because they were as red as Sir Alex Fergusons whiskey nose, he found a tall dark figure to be leaning over him.

“Dawg, do you know who I am!? Whatcha doin’ in ma block huh!?”

“Nah man can you remind me? I was on my way to Needmore, what’s it to you?”

“Ohhhh dawg be getting’ all cheeky huh!?” Immediately, this threatening massively obese splodge of gangster that had a belly bigger than Rick Ross pulled out an SMG followed by the unhideable sound of his pants tearing.

“Tell me where you’re goin’ foooool!?”

Red was on his own. He had a 9mm pressed right up against to his skull. Moments like these he’d have nine other homies to back him up, but now he was alone. He had no other option but to spill everything that was asked of him, in order to save his worthless hustling life.

“ ah ah ah Needmore, Needmore dawg, I’m takin’ some Rockie Roads to my Nan cos she’s sick, she’s very sick!”

“Ahhh Rocky Roads dawg, give me some!”

“He…here take some, just ta…take some and let me go!” Red’s voice uncontrollably quivered, much to the amusement of the Rick Ross lookalike.

“Hahahaha! Dawg I’m gonna need more than that! Aha get it? Needmore?? Dawg I’m just too funny sometimes!”

“Dude, that was weak!”

“Whatcha say to me!?”

 

 At this point Red had no other option but to somehow get away. Yet again he put his pedal to the metal and sped away knocking the Rocky Road out of the O.G.’s hand as he did so.

“Arghhh!!! The absolute cheek!! You’re gonna f******* regret that you low life major *****!”

“HAHAAAA suckeerrr!” His excitement soon turned to anxiety as he attempted to dodge the bullets shot at him in rapid succession.

Finally, Red had arrived at his grandma’s house with only two Rocky Roads left it occurred to him that this might have been a pointless trip, nevertheless he proceeded, stepping out of his low-rider like a real badass triple O.G. and scuffed his heavy Airforce 1’s to his Grandma’s ghetto like front door. Before his 24 karat ring (which was obviously stolen) even made contact with the door, an abnormal voice muffled through the door saying “come in angel”

“Dafuq” Red whispered to himself before steadily going into investigate.

“Naaan!?” There she was, laying in the creaky bed which clearly hadn’t been made for days.

“I’ve never noticed this before Nan, but what massive ears you have! They’re almost as big as Tyler the Creator’s!”

“Almost, but not quite darling!”  

“Whoa!! I also never noticed them massive nostrils before!”

“Well they’re so I can smell you better!” she replied

“Haha, this is sounding like that tale of what’s her face? Wit da wolf and stuff!?” Red joked completely oblivious to what was going to happen next! Suddenly his Nan began to slowly get out of her bed.

“Oh my Guru Nanak!!! Nan you better watch you’re weight, you’re stomachs gone so big it looks like you’ve swallowed yourself!”

“Dawg are you serious!? What a horrible thing to say!” The voice immediately changes from a high-pitched ear ache similar to Rhianna’s, to a croaky tone, deep enough to kill a baby lamb!

“Wait! You ain’t my Nan!!

“HAHA NO I’M NOT! REMEMBER ME!? Guess where your Nan is!?”

Red’s voice now entered a real tone of concern.

“Damn she’s not is she!? She better not be! NAN COME DOWN FROM THE WINDOW, I’VE TOLD YOU, YOU CAN’T FLY!”

“Wait what!? Dawg that’s just weird, sort your Nan out! Oh wait! YOU CAN’T BECAUSE SHE’S INSIDE ME!!!”

Red was backtracking as the Rick Ross lookalike started to approach him. Almost tripping, he treaded over a stereo controller.

“WEEEEEZYYY BABBEEEYYY” *stereo*

A deafening sound suddenly echoed through the built in stereo which you would not expect a 68 year old pensioner to own. It was the horrible of Whoopie Goldberg’s twin sister, Lil Wayne! Immediately the Rick Ross lookalike dropped to his knees in Orr, Covering his ears and causing a tidal wave as he dropped. It just turned out too much for him to handle, and quite frankly I don’t blame him! Red’s Nan survived because the awful sound was muffled through the greasy layers of fat in the Diabetic guy’s stomach! As for Red, well he’s just another naughty word, who just seems to enjoy music produced by such futile toddlers. Red then ripped out a gold tooth from the mouth of the not so O.G. anymore thug, and used it to rip his stomach and rescue his Nan. The whole Process obviously took a while! Red then whipped out his two Rocky Road’s which had now gone stale, and his Nan very kindly offered him the other Rocky Road for rescuing her (although he got her into this mess in the first place). They both got high happily ever after! 

 

 


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