My Crimson Regret

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ever since Kali died, Savannah's been broken. She can't even say the name Kali anymore because it's too painful.She's delt with it in the only way she can think of: cutting. She's sworn never to love again. So how did the new girl who found out her deepest secret suddenly steal her heart?

Submitted: December 21, 2012

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Submitted: December 21, 2012

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“Kali? Baby stay with me!”
I knew it was too late. I knew these bright blue eyes better than my own reflection. But these eyes were foreign to me. Lifeless. Kali’s eyes had so much life in them, but it was gone now. Her warm, flushed cheeks were cold and pale. I was hours late. I’d never get to hold her, kiss her, or see her sweet smile or delicate flush ever again. All because I hadn’t come in time. She’d never hear the words I hadn’t told her yet. She’d never know I loved her.

All because I was too late.

The memories were building up again, threatening to drown me. I couldn’t breathe, I was fighting tears. I was on the verge of collapsing. All because some new girl just so happened to be named Kaliegh. Why did this always happen when I wasn’t ready? Whenever I let my guard down, life slapped me in the face. And once I was down the universe spat on me with these horrible haunting memories. The pain never ended so why hit me again? Hadn’t I suffered enough?

But I knew how to strike back. There was a way, a simple easy way to slap back. I dug into my pocket, feeling my counter attack plan building. The razor brushed my fingers, promising a quick release. A bloody victory over whatever pain life threw at me. No one knew my pain. No one would understand why I did this. No one understood my pain. It’s not like it doesn’t hurt to me, it’s more like the real pain saves you from any other pain. My girlfriend had died 3 years ago today and it was all their fault. All my fault.

“I need to use the bathroom,” I said, standing before she even finished nodding.  I left quickly, tears falling as soon as I got out the door.

I was sun kissed, glowing with life after my vacation. California had been great, but I was so lonely without Kali. I couldn’t wait to see her. I knew she was having a hard time before I left, and I couldn’t wait to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. I wanted to do more than just talk on the phone. I was going to surprise her by coming home a day before she thought I was. I was planning on hiding in her house and waiting for her to get home from summer school so we could spend the night watching horror movies and cuddling on the couch.

If I had known what I’d find when I got home, I never would have gone.

 

The tears flowed in rivers down my cheeks. I needed the pleasant pain. That familiar rush of absolute numb. The sensation that absolute emptiness can have on your entire body. I didn’t care what was going to happen when I got back to the classroom. I didn’t care if I got hell for this. I needed to cut. Now.

I slid into a stall, simultaneously drawing the razor out of my pocket.

She was dead. Kali was dead. And it was all my fault. All the blood pouring from this small, deep cut on my arm was for Kali. Every scar, every tear, every breath was for Kali. It was all I could do for her anymore. Eliminate these painful memories so that I could keep on living in her name. Because that’s what Kali would have wanted. So I would.

The pain was blinding. Nothing could touch me when I was like this.

“Hello?”

I jumped, cutting a little too deep. I grabbed a huge section of toilet paper, dabbing the blood off my arm. Footsteps approached my stall.

“I know what you’re doing in there.” The voice was high and child-like, too young for a junior. I could tell she was close to the door. A little too close. I couldn’t tell if she really knew, or if she was just playing with my head trying to get something juicy out of me.

“How do you know?” My voice was level, completely neutral. I, though, was shaking, fearing the absolute worst. I could see myself being locked into a psych ward, my family disowning me, my few almost friends abandoning me to join the chorus of hateful voices. I’d never fall in love; what girl would want to be with a cutting freak. This girl had the power to destroy the walls that I’d put up to protect myself from the world. She could so easily throw my some-what peaceful life into absolute chaos.

The girl outside my stall dropped to her knees. “I see the blood,” she sounded sad. “My name is Kaleigh and I do it too. I knew what you were going to do even before you left No one’s face shows that much agony before they leave a classroom unless they are going to do something stupid. Now tell me, what did I do?”

I sat down, seeing her painfully thin legs sprawled awkwardly as she sat, yellow pants several sizes too big for her thin form. She wore a black Falling in Reverse t-shirt that hung well below her waist and was way too long for her. I couldn’t see her face, but I could see her bony arms clearly, but they were anything but attractive. Besides the absolute tininess of them, they were laced up and down with scars and even the hints of fresh cuts underneath her half a dozen bracelets.

“You did nothing,” I whispered, shocked out of my voice. Her arms looked just like mine only she made less of an effort to hide them than I did. “It was just a coincidence.”

“How so?” She sounded genuinely concerned, which completely threw me off. No one had ever cared about me before. I was almost always ignored. My parents were so shocked that I liked girls, that they barely acknowledged me. They preferred to pretend that there was no daughter there. My relationships with other people were shallow and easily destroyed. They didn’t care about me or anything that had to do with me. All they cared about was looking good in front of the guys by being the good girl who spoke to the friendless girl. If any of them found out that I cut, they’d abandon me without a second thought.

Until she came along. Kali was the first person ever to reach out to me since I moved here from San Francisco. We were fast friends. We just hit it off, which was funny because our personalities and interests were so different. She liked country, I liked rock. She liked girlie things, I was a total tomboy. If opposites attract then we were meant to be.

“Your name,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut to fight back the tears. “It’s hard to hear.”
“Kaleigh?” I flinched. “Why?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said firmly, eliminating this topic of discussion. I refused to talk about Kali. Even her name was something no one around me said. They weren’t stupid enough to harass me about her. They could tease me about my sexuality, but as soon as someone threw a blow at Kali, that was it. That name was off limits.

“It’s fine if you’re not ready.” She slid a few bad-aids under the door. “Just know I’m here.” And then she walked away, leaving me alone in the bathroom. I sat there, distractedly cleaning the blood off the floor and my arm. When all evidence of my little visit was gone, I walked slowly back to class, mind racing.

Why did this girl care about me at all? I’d never even talked to her before yet she already knew my biggest secret. But she hadn’t run away. She cared. Why would anyone care about a pathetic lesbian who gets through life by cutting herself? No one cared about me. I was just a sad excuse for a human being. I may as well be invisible. Sometimes I wish I was. Then I could cut and no one would ever have to deal with me. My parents, my sister, my school; they would all be free of me. But I wasn’t so I knew I would get caught eventually. But by her? And she cared? My own parents wouldn’t follow me up to my bedroom in tears but she would follow me to the bathroom just because I looked like I was hurting?
Of course, maybe it was all fake. Maybe she was in the room telling everyone my secret to gain a little popularity. I’d be even more of a freak then I already was. My sexuality already made me stand out; I didn’t need this on top of that. The thought itself made me want to run back to my stall. I didn’t want to go back to class. I would have skipped but I had already been there for the beginning. Ms. Keeton would give me hell.

I stood outside the door, fighting a panic attack. When I had gathered the balls to open the door, I slipped in and quickly spotted my seat all the way across the room. I braced for someone to start the ridicule while I walked to my seat, but the whole way no one so much as looked at me. Even Kaleigh didn’t look at me; I recognized the Falling in Reverse shirt.

So she didn’t tell anyone. I was still the quiet, unneeded girl no one wanted to see. She knew a secret that could completely destroy me, but she chose not to. She could be popular, starting another rumor about me. A rumor I couldn’t deny. People would ask to see my scar covered wrists and I couldn’t say no. That was as good as a confession. But she didn’t. Why?

She met my gaze, smiling. Her eyes were a beautiful, deep, shifting brown, like melted milk chocolate. I was dumbfounded, trapped inside that mesmerizing stare.

Class dragged by. My eyes wandered from Kaleigh’s short, unnaturally red hair to the clock, to my paper where I drew picture after picture of those deep brown eyes. I needed to get out of her before anything else could go wrong. Anything could go wrong while I was here and something always did. Whenever people acknowledged my presence, it was always in a negative way. And that always brought on a cutting session. I didn’t need any more of that today. I knew my limits. And I was already there.  

After fifty minutes of pure torture, the bell finally rang. I was out of my seat even before it finished ringing. I practically sprinted out of the room, earning some angry protests from people probably planning on cornering me.

“Wait! Savannah, please, slow down!” It was Kaleigh. But I didn’t slow down. I couldn’t. School was worse than hell for me, and I didn’t need to talk about anything with Kaleigh. She was probably going to show off my scars herself. Maybe she was going to try to beat me up, though I had a good 30 pounds on the girl. I kept on going and going for at least ten minutes, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I didn’t slow until I reached the downtown area, which was covered in a few people here and there window shopping or just strolling and chatting. It felt so nice to be here. To be invisible. I emptied my mind and just walked, to where I didn’t know.

“Hey there girlie.”
I looked down the alley where the voice had come from. Three guys were leaning against the wall smoking. The youngest was a few years older than me and the oldest was in his thirties. They looked like a dangerous group, all muscle and strength. They looked me up and down and exchanged glances. The youngest one started towards me.

“Come play with us,” he said, his deep voice sounded just like growling. I was frozen to the spot.

“N-no thanks. I have to meet my girlfriend at Starbucks.” Lie.

“Oh you roll like that, huh? Why don’t we just see…?” He was an arm’s length away and I wasn’t running yet. Fuck.

I turned to run anyway but he caught me easily, spinning me and kissing me roughly. I’d wandered too far away from downtown. Too far for anyone to hear me scream. No one saw them drag me back into the alley, fighting with all of my might. No one saw them holding me down like a ragdoll. I didn’t stop fighting no matter how hopeless it was. They smiled when I tried to bite the hand pinning me down. One of them, I couldn’t see which, ripped my shirt open.

“I don’t think you should do that.”
Kaleigh. I looked up, seeing her brown eyes focused on the biggest one who had one hand sliding down my pants. She was so tiny, but her whole body radiated hate and anger. Even so, they could break her like a twig.

“What kind of threat are you?” he said, standing to tower over her threateningly. “This your girlfriend, blondie? She here to party?” He grabbed her arm, whole hand fitting easily around it.

“Well the police are on the way, so if you don’t want to get arrested, run.”
They all jumped back. “Fuck that. Let’s go.”

They ran away, leaving me shirtless and teary eyed. I sat up slowly, feeling the bruises forming all over my body.

“Yes, I followed you. No, the police aren’t coming. Yes, I will leave you alone from now on.” She spun to leave.

“Thank you.”
She spun back, bewildered. “What?”
“Thank you. They were going to...They could have hurt me. But you saved me.” I was looking deep into her eyes. I could have kissed her for saving me.

I wanted to kiss her. Why? I just met her and I already wanted to hold her and never let her go. We had just met and I wanted her to be mine. We had only just met but it felt like I’d known her forever. I wanted her more than I’d wanted my Kali. WHY?

“You’re welcome. Promise me you won’t cut.” Her voice was firm but pleading. Quietly concerned. But why? Why did I smile because she cared about me? Why did I want to throw away my beloved razor just because she told me to? None of this made sense. Kali was supposed to be the only one for me. The only person who would ever hold my heart. This girl, though, had stolen my heart from minute one.

Could this be love at first sight?
“I won’t”
She smiled hugely. “Good. I’ll run home and grab you a shirt. I don’t live too far from here-“
“Please don’t leave me,” I was shocked at how much it sounded like I was begging. I sounded so desperate, which I was. Desperate to have her here. Desperate to make her mine. Desperate for her. She came and sat next to me, slipping off her shirt to put it on me then tugging down the tank top she was wearing so that it covered her concave stomach. “I want to tell you why you found me the way you did earlier today.”
And then I told her. I told her about my emotionless, angry parents, my obviously favored sister who demanded attention. I told about how each of them had anger issues. I told about the day I was ten when my first crush raped me. I told her all about Kali. From that very first day in elementary school to the day I came out to the day Kali asked me out. “And then two years after we got together, on the day before my fifteenth birthday, I found her. She was just lying there, pale and cold. The police came. She’d taken 2000 mg of Lymectil. Dead within five minutes. I missed her by five minutes. I still don’t know why though. She never told me she was upset. She was always so happy and confident. No one saw it coming.”  I was crying endless, huge rivers of tears. “It’s the only reason I’m alive. If I’m dead I’ll have failed her.”

Kaleigh was holding me, letting me cry on her shoulder. “I think I should tell you my story, too. I’m not trying to upset you or hurt you; I just want someone to hear it.”
I looked up into her eyes, drying my tears. “Go ahead.”
She looked up to the sky. “Since I was born, I’ve ben told I’m ugly, fat, disgusting, useless, worthless, and hopeless, you get the idea. My mother was always drunk or high. She would beat me or be dead asleep somewhere with my dad or some other guy next to her. My dad and brother were sexually abusive since I was five; I’ve never known virginity. I hear nothing but insults. I came out as bisexual just last year and that’s when the bullying started. So I cut and people laughed and so I cut some more. I’ve never been loved. Never been cared for. So I also purged my emotions away. And purging turned to starving. I thought it would make me acceptable, that maybe someone would love me this way. But I’m not really changing. Only killing myself, but I can’t stop. I’m all alone.” She looked down at me, no tears, but enough pain to make me want to hold her and kill anyone who touched her. “And no one cares.”
“You aren’t alone. You have me.” I flushed and looked down. “I don’t relate to much of your story, but the bullying, sexuality, rape, and obviously cutting I get. But you’re not alone.” She looked up and smiled at me, making my heart go crazy. “I like you. I know we just met, but I like you a lot.” I was blushing furiously, wondering why I’d said anything. She probably thought I was weird now.

“I like you too.”
“What?” I blinked in shock.

“From that first time I saw you, I liked you. I have a thing for blondes,” she winked. “I really care about you. I just feel like I’ve known you forever, like we were meant to be together. I wanted to protect you so I could get to know you.”
Now I smiled. “Well now you know more than anyone.”
“And you’re even more beautiful know than you were before.” And then she kissed me. Gently, sweetly, but I felt the sparks. I wanted more. I breathed into the kiss, letting her feel how much I loved and cared for her. Our mouths moved in perfect sync, our kiss perfectly timed for each other. I pulled her closer and ran my hands through her hair. After a few seconds, she pulled away.

“I’ve never been accepted before. I’ve never been cared for before. What if I hurt you? I don’t know what to do.”

I held her to my chest. “You can’t hurt me. I promise. As long as you’re here, you can’t hurt me. I know this is new to you so I’ll tech you. Trust me. I am here.”
She lay her head down on my chest, closing her eyes. I listened to her soft breathing and I knew I’d never cry over Kali again. She was only a milestone; a step towards this Kaleigh. She was what would bring us together, what would connect our hearts so totally.

Kali was my past, but Kaleigh was my future.


© Copyright 2017 Angel Flash. All rights reserved.

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