What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (my life story)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is kind of a summary to my experience in life so far :)

Submitted: November 28, 2010

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Submitted: November 28, 2010



Dear Diary,
I’ve made it until 17! I actually thought that I wouldn't even make it till 13...

Childhood: I was born as an Albino (poor vision, pale skin, and white hair) where I lived, DIFFERENT was a no no to people...I was the different one...no one accepted me not even teachers at school, I struggled alot...I was bullied constantly as a child...I get alot of flashbacks from my past like me in grade 1 walking right by the wall alone scared that someone might come and hurt me....school was miserable enough because of the kids but you would think teachers should be some kind of support...In fact I was hurt by them just as much....as I’ve already said I have poor vision which means that I can't see the board even from the first seat... the teachers in no way helped me....I was alone....I had to go stand in front of the board to copy what’s on it sometimes for 30 minutes....class mates weren't nice about it as well I remember one kid calling me a library table one time and the sound of everyone's laughter still eco's in my ears until today....
That’s school....but outside of it, I was also physically abused by a family member...remember I was a child ....yet my thoughts were so different from one of a child's ...I didn't think of playing, running, colors, food, fun, singing, cartoons or any of that, but my thoughts were centered around all the pain (emotional and physical) that I was going through... you know that kind of reminds me of Anne Frank.... again I was labeled as the weird girl by my parents who until this day don't quite understand me....
My suffering didn't stop there, the years unfolded with me getting bullied and abused ....at the age of 8.... I was sexually... abused as well ....that part of my abuse effected me the most...I will not talk about details of the rape...I do not wish to trigger or sadden any of my readers...or even you journal.....
I kept this a secret for 8 years ....(my parents still don't know) but I was able to finally share my hollow secret with my therapist and after, a couple more people who I admire and trust in my life.... after that year at the age of 8 my cutting had started....and suicide was a friend of my mind. in other words i had started the game of death.
At the age of 11 I moved down to Canada with my family, at that time my eating disorder had been lurking inside me for almost a year....through the upcoming years my ED got worse and worse...so did my depression, I remember nights crying myself to bed but not being able to sleep ....my anxiety was also getting stronger, I even avoided talking ....I was silent for years. in grade 7 and in grade 8 I was known as the voiceless one ....school wise things were a little better here in Canada, teachers were more helpful and less kids bullied me... I decided that if I avoid talking no one will try and speak to me...I wanted to be left alone....I wanted to end my life... grade nine meant high school....and high school meant being accepted and popular to most teenagers....I wanted to be the normal typical teenager that year.... so I figured I would put a mask of a happy smiling normal girl on....so I did....soon later I found myself with a group of people who also needed help....I always tend to befriend those who have serious struggles I don't know why but I love helping them. so we became close friends they were all guys, surprisely....I had feared males since the sexual abuse happened but at that stage of my life I wanted to be closer to guys more....yet I felt nothing towards them...I thought I was bisexual....I think because I have experienced rape I might know a little more about sexual intercourse and that might have pulled me to guys a little more....but deep inside my fear of them never banished ....I started smoking....and using drugs, my Eating disorder was getting worse and worse....my parents didn't know anything....I was so depressed......I couldn't take it anymore....by grade 10 I have decided to commit suicide on my birthday....but somehow I found myself in the guidance office wanting the support....by then I have made a new friend who's a girl, and was very supportive at the time....I got to talk to a psychologist but I only had three session and did not go back..... I automatically relapsed and kept on with my starving and self harm....in grade 11 ( 16 year old) I finally couldn't take it anymore so I spoke to a social worker at my school and she passed me on to the school psychologist one more time ( a different one this time) I was so sick ....at 64 lbs I could not even walk .....she had to take me to the hospital from school (December 1- 2009) but it wasn't easy I didn't want to let go of my ED but I had no choice then for I was forced in to the hospital and force fed as well....I was so mad so pissed I wanted to run away more than once.....I was on the medical floor for 17 days, then they moved me up to the inpatient eating disorder unit.....I was there for three months getting back my health...but I have made so little recovery...I needed to do an eating disorder day program I did that for5 months.....met some amazing people in my journey.... had my therapist at the hospital.....after 5 months of recovery I finally told her about the sexual abuse....it was so hard.....so hard.....but never keep such a secret deep inside for it shall eat you alive.... during the5 months in day program I was admitted 2 times once for attempting suicide again and the other was due to my once again bad health...I was still having symptoms......on the 5th month I had to leave the program...it wasn't working for me...I didn't graduate like most girls did fight an ED in that program....I was to work on the rest of my recovery at home....a month later I had gone a few steps back again and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance....I spend another month on the inpatient unit...my parents have learned more about eating disorders by then...so they were able to support me a little more....but it just wasn't enough; at one point I wanted to move in to a foster house....but didn't....instead I decided to say good bye to my ED ....it hit me...I wanted to get better....I felt hope.....and wanted the help this time....I knew many who didn't have the help I do..... and I felt bad not taking it when others wished they had just a little bit of it....school was coming up last year of high school for me I wanted to go back to school (I did my courses at the hospital the year before so I was still on speed) so I did
got discharged and had a meal plan to follow, I still have to see doctor for medical review every week, my therapist just left this month to have a baby :)
so I’m seeing another one now for at least half a year....
I still have struggles someday but much less....flashbacks are much better as well.....I’m on medications for anxiety and depression and they have actually helped me allot.....until now I’m still doing well.....I feel a little bit more hopeful.....and I’m here to support anyone in need <3
sorry it took me a while to update...
unfortunatly i relapsed after the above entry, i went through a rough patch in and out of the hospital, suicidal thoughts and attempts (i'm still herethough:)
so i was in emerge at the hospital almost 9 times with in 3 months.
due to that CHEO decided to send me to the Royal Ottawa mental hospital centre... i was there on in patiant for about a month and there i was diognosed with borderline personality disorderlaterthen i started a day program there at first i didn't want to be there because i didn't think i had anything other than an eating disorder but i managed to pull through, i waited for my name to come up on the eating disorder day program list at cheo for about 3 months and a half and i struggled throught that time alot and i was admitted one more time to get my health back on track before i start the eating disorder day program which i did well in. now im inthe day programthe first few days went alright but now im struggling again and im unsure if i want to stay in the program.
i forgotto mention that i left home twice i lived ina shelter for about 2 months the first time and thatwas before i went toi theroyal and my second time was later on ...and from there where i had passed out i was taken to CHEO and that was my last admission
july 20-2011
here i am again... so i had to leave the day treatment program at CHEO again because it wasn't working out unfortunatly. during this month i've attempted suicide twice i was very luckyto still be here ...i got admitted to theGeneral hospital for a weekend and then left becauseit wasn't helpful for my eating disorder...sadly after i left the program at CHEO i relapsed once again... i just got admitted yesterday at CHEO on the medical woard. my supports are looking in to residential treatment out side of Ottawa or even Canada. Currently i'm doing well at the hospital :)

love~ Mona

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