To the Moon with you David!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A collection of short stories about some of my son's humorous and not so humorous tantics in his lifetime.

Submitted: July 19, 2013

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Submitted: July 19, 2013

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I’ve enjoyed my son’s company since……the day he was born.  He has always had quite the sense of humor.  He’s 25 now and, of course, hates it when I share these stories about him but, I’m gonna do it anyways because I’m his mother and I can.  So these are my little collection of humorous stories about my son.  I hope you enjoy them.

When David was small his ‘father’ was getting slightly irritated with him.  He was about two or three years old and we all know what two year olds can be like……..his ‘father’ looks at him, puts a fun fist in the air and says, “To the moon with you David!” and David says, “Wait Daddy, let me get my shoes on!” I giggled and giggled. 

When David was in the first grade he was quite the little talker.  If you didn’t keep his body and his mind busy his mind would trail off and his body would be busy following it and getting into mischief.  David was just that sort of person.  His first grade teacher calls me and says, “Ma’am I’m having a few problems with your son,” and I tell her, “I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve had this kid for 7 years now and didn’t call you people one time!” We never heard from her again.

His second grade teacher wasn’t so easy to scare away.  She demanded that I come in and speak with her and so I did.  She told me that David was having some problems learning how to count to ten.  He would never say the number ‘3’.  So, I asked David to count to ten.  “1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10”.  Sure enough, the number three was left out of the count.  I said, “David how come you didn’t say the number ‘3’?”  David replied, “Because when you get to three I’m in trouble!”  I laughed and laughed.  She didn’t find that very humorous. 

That particular teacher was very quiet until the end of the year.  The last three weeks of school David got 14 referrals sent home.  After the 14th referral David got mad and decided to go over my head and call his Grandma. One of those referrals was that David refused to sit down, eat his lunch and be quiet. Grandma told David that she thought that teacher’s rules were stupid.  David was satisfied that Grandma agreed and he went to school the next day happier than a little clam.  At 9 am my phone rang. It was David’s teacher and she was fuming.  She complained that David would not settle down and fold his hands to begin the school lesson. I told the teacher to ask David why he wouldn’t sit down and fold his hands to begin the school lesson.  All David would say was, “My Grandma thinks your rules are stupid,” and stuck his tongue out at her. I picked David up at the principal’s office an hour later; giggling the whole time.

DAVID’S WEBSITE

David’s fourth grade teacher was a man and he trumped every one of David’s moves.  He knew to keep David’s mind busy so his body would stay out of trouble.  David took first in the math championships state contest and took second in the chess playing tournament.  He won trophies all year for his achievements. This teacher firmly believed in rewarding a child when he does well instead of punishing a child when he’s bad.  Until one day…….

I get a phone call.  The teacher had taught David how to access the class computer.  David got to play on the computer all year long, every time he was a good boy. The teacher would give him assignments and David would complete the computer oriented assignments and at the end of the year David would get graded. On May 27th, I will never forget the date, I got a phone call.  He asked me to come to his classroom he would like to discuss David’s progress with me.  I thought, ‘Finally, a good phone call about my son’s progress in school!’  I practically ran the whole way to the school.  I walk in the door.  David was sitting in his chair with his hands folded in front of him.  I looked at David.  I looked at the teacher. 

“Just a couple of things,” the teacher said as I sat down on a chair next to his and stared in awe at the computer screen.  “Your son was told to do something he liked on the computer.  He was told to make a project out of something that would last him all year long.  He did do just that and make a report about it.  He did that too.”  Staring back at me on the computer screen was a famous wrestler from Portland wrestling. He was flipping everyone ‘the bird’.The website heading read, “David’s Website”.  I kid you not! I stared at the screen with my mouth hanging open and David had this ear to ear grin on his face.  He did everything it was the teacher had told him to do and more.  I scanned the web site with my face a crimson red color.  I was asking David all sorts of questions.  “David, how did you get these pictures?”  His answer, “They have free pictures all over the internet, Mama, I just borrowed them.”  “Oh,” was my only reply.  David received straight A’s from that teacher, and a referral…… to the talented and gifted program. Also, one to the principal’s office where we spent two hours of our afternoon cussing and discussing with the principal whether or not this was David’s fault or the lack of supervision from his teacher.  I look back on it and laugh and laugh and laugh because this was just all little hints of things to come…

TEENAGE YEARS

I’ve always said that when a teenager turns fourteen years old they lose their brain….or play with it….something happens anyways and they don’t find it again until they’re about twenty five years old.  That teacher was right David was talented and gifted in more ways than anyone knew.  One of those gifts was that David could make friends with the devil if he needed to.  He could make friends with anyone or anything.

When David was fourteen years old he got into trouble with the police.  He had gotten into trouble with something or rather and he had to do community service. One of the places on the list for community service was the Humane Society.  David said, “I want to do my community service there, Mama.”  Okay, so we went and signed him up and he was happy.  He volunteered there for weeks after his community service was done.  David loved working with the animals. He would walk them, feed them and bathe them.  But, when it came to putting the animals to sleep David just couldn’t bare it.  He’d come home with little wiggly things in his hands.  After having to find a home for a dog, two bunnies and even a guinea pig I finally had to tell David either he was going to have to quit his job or quit bringing home animals.

One time he came home carrying his backpack in his arms.  As he was walking through the living room I noticed his backpack was moving. 

I said, “David what’s in your backpack,” and smiled.

“Nothing, Mama,” and he went straight to his room.

I followed David a little later and knocked on the door.There was a brief pause and David yelled for me to come in. 

I looked down at the sheets on David’s bed and noticed they were moving. 

“David, why are your sheets moving?”  I asked.

“No reason, Mama,” and he smiled.

I walked over and flipped the sheets down on David’s bed. 

Lo and behold there was the most adorable baby kitten sitting on the bed next to David eating out of a small can of kitten food.

David was grinning from ear to ear.

I just couldn’t say no and we named her Daisy Duke.  She was a run away from her home and proceeded to run away from our home as well two years later.  I might not have said no to Daisy Duke but I made David switch his volunteer job.  Our small apartment just couldn’t take any more animals!

It was Saturday night.  I was tired from working third shift at the bar all night.  It was an evening filled with nothing but fights and animosity.  It was 4 in the morning and I was glad to be home.  I put my key in the door.

David ran to the door an answered it.  He poked his head out just far enough to see it was me.

“Mom,” he exclaimed.

“Yes, David, I do live here,” I smirked, “Can I come in please?”

“Mom, don’t be mad,” David pleaded.

Instantly I was mad. 

“What did you do, David?”  I pushed the door opened and scooted him and it out of my way.

Four of his friends were sitting on the couch with their heads down in shame.  

Then I saw it, out of the corner or my eye.  There was a monster pile of bubbles growing in my kitchen.  It had already grown from my kitchen and it was making its way into David’s room.

“David, where are you sisters?”  I demanded.

“Oh, they’re fine, Mom! They are in bed,” David said smiling, “Everything’s been really quiet tonight….just how you like it.” David said meekly.

I stood at the edge of the kitchen, staring in horror at the scene that lay before me.  I think to myself, ‘so this must have been what Mrs. Brady felt like when Bobby Brady got done washing a load of clothes in the washing machine. ‘ 

There were bubbles everywhere! Everywhere I looked there were bubbles! There were bubbles floating out to the balcony.  There were bubbles starting to float in the living room.  There were bubbles floating around my plants on the bottom shelf.  Bubbles were everywhere!

I turned around and looked at the four boys sitting on the couch.  None of them were looking at me in the eye.

“Would anyone kindly tell me, what the hell happened here?”  I asked in a calmer than usual tone of voice.

“You ran out of dishwasher soap,” the tallest boy answered. “We had to use a substitute,” he said.

I walked to the kitchen and on the counter staring back at me through all the bubbles, was a pink box of Mr. Bubble bath soap.

I started laughing.  I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. It was either that or cry.  

There were five boys that morning that got to scrub my kitchen to its point of spotless, rewash every dish in the dishwasher by hand and have a class of dishwasher 101: the do’s and don’ts of dish washing!

 

 

 

 

 


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