I Don't Know The Answers

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Kind of a babbling piece about me, my struggles, my life.

Submitted: May 21, 2014

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Submitted: May 21, 2014



I don't know exactly who I am. I know that I'm only 18 and people my age never really know who they are, right? Then why do I feel so alone? I mean, I feel like everything about me is just one big contradiction. Sometimes I feel like I'm a total introvert, but then I go and do something outgoing and fun. I get so confused because I like going out and hanging with my friends, but it's too exhausting, too overwhelming. Maybe, I'm an introvert dreaming of becoming and extrovert? I don't know. Sometimes I feel so normal, rare as those occasions are, and the next day I feel like I'm the only one on this planet who feels like this. Does anyone understand? I feel like people think I'm lying, or that I'm trying to act like I'm older than I really am. But the truth is, I really can't stand most of the people my age. They annoy me, and most of all, they scare me. Being around "my peers" makes my anxiety so much worse than normal. And while i always feel like I'm being watched and silently judged, it intensifies when they're around. I only have a handful of friends that actually belong in my age group. The rest are married, some even with kids of their own. And yet, we hang out like there isn't a 20 year age gap between us. I guess I should take it as a compliment, that they find me mature enough to befriend me. But then, why do I feel like I should be ashamed? Why do I have this nagging notion that I am not a normal 18 year old? God, I hate that word. Normal. I don't know why I feel like I need to use it as my guide. My brain shows me what it thinks I should be, what it thinks normal is. And even though I know deep down that everyone's view of normal is different, even though I know normal is so conditional, I always find myself striving for it. But it seems like the faster I run towards it, the farther it is from my grasp. I will never reach normal. I will never be normal. I guess you could say I've accepted it, but I'm not happy about it. I wake up everyday wishing I was normal, or what I tell myself normal is, anyway.
 The saddest part is realizing that I can't even remember the last time I felt like I was normal. It's been so long since I could leave my house and feel like I fit in. I always thought being abnormal would be so fun, that I wanted to be different. But I got what I wished for and it's not what I had in mind. When I said I wanted to be different I didn't mean like this. This is just a cruel twist of the world we live in. Trapped in my own little box, letting no one in because I'm so scared of what they'll say. What they'll think. That they'll leave. Sometimes I wonder if that's why he stopped being my friend. You know who I'm talking about, I've written two poems about him, even mentioning her as well. Did he see what was happening somehow and decided to get out before it got out of hand? Do the rest of them wish they had done the same? Because now they feel that they're stuck with me? I wish I knew the answer to all of these questions that my brain constantly asks me.
But most of all, I wish I knew me.

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