--The moment where I stopped trying--

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A woman who spent a childless life for years, who tried and tried to get rid of it but at last she gets disappointed about her own self and lead her to suicide.

Submitted: June 18, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 18, 2011



She danced with courage as pretty as she could. The entire gathered crowd was starring at her with wide opened eyes; they all were amazed for her talent in such a small age. Her dance moves made people gasp some even gulped too, but there was a slight difference as the crowd was cheering but the dancer was wearing eyes filled with guilty and sadness like she did the most worst mistake in life that anyone could do. She was so fair but her shiny black messed up hair made her dance more beautiful. Hey background music made her dance flow so amazingly, it was classical with a country touch. One of the songs I’ve loved from my childhood. As the song’s volume got low by low she stopped the dance bending to the ground with a pleasant smile on her face this time only.

She vowed the crowed, thanked it and invited her brother to the little stage they had made in the middle of the large pavement where it’s so busy with people but the society cared even a little just to take a look at their talent as it was so amazing and unbelievable. Her white long dress was flowing with the wind in a rhythm; it was so beautiful to stare at it. As a busy accountant at the Central bank, I didn’t have any time from the time I have my job to enjoy a song, things I loved from my little ages. This time, it was a miracle from god as I got the chance to stare at these two little kids unintentionally in this early morning which I hurry to my workplace just like the other days.

As the sun started rising behind from a mountain far away, the little boy walked into the sunlight standing in the middle of a stage with two samurai swords in his hands, waiting for the time to come to rip the air into pieces with his shining silver swords. He was dressed up with a back t-shirt which had “Eien Ni Ashiteru yo” text printed on it with white color. I ran into my little days inside my mind remembering the days when my grandmother, Bachiko Shang taught me her language, Japanese. I tried to understand its meaning. I struggled with my Japanese memories so hard to find its meaning till I spitted out the words suddenly making one or two people to give a glance at me why I suddenly said “I love you forever”. I had a little party inside my head as I was so happy that at last I remembered her language, the grandmother I loved so much.

He was so trained with the swords as he took out his talents and showed them to the whole crowd. I barely saw his swords moving as they were too fast. The sounds of his swords made me remember the samurai fights in movies. Till he took the two swords and placed their sharp edges on the ground with the speed of a bolt, making the letter “X” from them, I was lost within the movies and my grandmother’s words. I startled when the crowd cheered to the boy and the girl, but slowly ignoring and hiding that I did got scared to the sound I joined with them to clap for the two youngsters for their talents. The sound of the crowd slowly stopped as the boy walked toward the table behind the girl’s chair and took out his black cap to collect money from their audience.

I noticed that most of the people walked away after clapping them just to avoid the cap which was like a tray that desiring a satisfying amount of pence’s’ rather than serving them a glass of drink or a meal. Some acted like they are in a real hurry but “was that hurry was there when they watched the show”. I murmured to myself. What a spoilt society this is. It always gain thing from the whole world but get so lazy to return something with a good heart rather than giving out something frowning towards it. Some helped with their collection putting pence’s, sometimes a one pound into the cap. They were helpful and good hearted people or else would they’ll be this much nice to walk away with a huge excited smile on their face after putting in two pounds which worth a sweet smelling shampoo in the market.

He was heading towards me as I searched for my purse to take out a pound to offer him for his talents but I felt that the shining fresh twenty pound note was staring at me, asking me to hand it over to him not to get a good impression on me, just to be more helpful than others. I looked around whether to see if anyone in the middle of the crowd was staring at me. I was so pleased as no one did. I took out the note after folding it like four times inside my purse. I waited so hardly until he came to me, leaning the cap towards me with a pleasant smile which had a little drop within it. He couldn’t actually smile as happiness was no more with them. I felt it from his smile which he used to hide his tears and the sadness of his face. I looked around again wishing that it would be like before when no one stared at me, but some of the people within the crowd were looking at me like they’ve never seen a woman before. I knew what they were searching for; I knew what there were inside their minds. It was what I’m going to give to him, the amount of pence’s or the pounds I’m going to hand over to this little boy. This miserable society always desires for money, works for money and some even live for money like it’s the only thing in the whole world which can make them happy like nothing else could do.

I didn’t cared about the crowd. I just pushed my hand towards him with the twenty pound note on my opened palm till the boy gasped so loudly. I bended my hand again and pulled it again to my side and waited for the boy to ask for the money, but rather than asking or even giving me an expression of it, he walked away to the person next to me who was already gone, who was miserable, who was scared that he’ll lose a one or two pound because of this boy and his talents. There were no more viewers who waited for him. He turned and walked towards his mate, maybe sister, the girl who danced. I was surprised by the reaction he gave for my kindness. Watching him and his sister or mate for some seconds I thought of going to them ask some information about them as why they are doing these things, maybe to live or to help someone else or to help themselves as they can’t depend on their parents or else they are orphans. There were several answers on my own mind I came up with rather than asking them the answer for my question.

I paced towards them ripping the wind apart so speedily, as I realized that I was late for work. Normally I’d be at the bank by now in the other days as I’m one of the early coming employers at the bank, but this time it’ll take time for me to go. I was so curious about these two kids, why they are doing this? “Excuse me, what made you not to take my twenty pound note little fellow?” He was busy with counting the money they collected, but he cared to answer my question with a pleasant smile wearing on his face slowly requesting me to give him some note less than that and get lost of his sight. “Oh, Ma’am, well we really don’t want someone to lose that much of money by giving it to us. As you know, we just expect a pound or else a twenty or fifty pence from you. It makes us uncomfortable to receive some huge amount of money from you people as our talents do not worth that much, right?” His smile faded little by little and his voice was breaking as he said that their talents aren’t worth but the girl woke up her voice giving a hand to her brother as he couldn’t talk anymore.

“Madam, we just don’t want anybody to curse me and my brother because if someone sees you giving us that much money and if we accept it, they’ll surely think to themselves that we are so miserable orphans, something like that. We just don’t want that ma’am, so it’s good if you leave now” She had a nice eye contact with me while she spoke, as a brave soldier waiting for the enemies to attack them, having a strong confidence that they’ll win for sure in this battle. Her dark blue eyes sparkled as she spoke and offered me a cute smile at the end of her little lecture to me. “Oh, so that’s it? You are scared of this society that they’ll just think about you like that? You really aren’t into the society yet, my dear. Different people think different things about what we do every day, we just can’t stop it. That’s the society, face it with courage. Always remember that there are even one or two people who might not think about you to in a way like that. Care about what they think not about what others do” I realized that my speech was going too far, I stopped it at once. The two kids were starring at the ground while I spoke, badly waiting for me to leave them alone but I just couldn’t make up my mind to do that.

“Ma’am, please?” She raised her hand to point the main road, asking me to leave with a guilty expression on her face. I stood up as I was on my knees all this time. I didn’t even care to look at them again while I walk. But I suddenly stopped again and turned to them. They were staring at me asking for my twenty pound note inside their minds. Even they didn’t show it, I was good enough to understand as I turned, they both invited me to them with a huge smile. “How sweet” I thought to myself.

As I walked thousands of things went through my mind because of the little request I’m going to ask from them. “Will they say yes, or will they say no?” I really don’t care about the answer; I just want to ask it. I startled when I came near to them. Wind touched me hardly making myself hurt. I found myself on my knees in front of the two kids hardly waiting to jump my idea out. “I want to ask you about something?” Their faces went south as I asked some question from them instead of giving them the twenty pound note which was inside m rolled palm safely. The little boy stared at with widen eyes, like a monster waiting for a nice meal to enjoy all alone by himself. “Yes, please?” The girl said. I didn’t wanted to wait anymore, I suddenly told what was in my mind all his time “Sweetie, I’m spending a childless life in my married life. I guess you understand what I’m going to say. Will you two help me to get rid of it?, as it’s not such a nice place to be. This request might be weird I know, but I’m begging you, will you come with me? Please? You won’t have to dance like this in streets to gather money to live. You’ll have the world’s most comfortable lives anyone could have. Will you please? I beg you, please? Please? Please?” I continued with the please till the girl stopped me.

“Ma’am, ma’am, listen, ma’am? Just take a look at us. We aren’t good enough for your perfect life. I know the place you’re in isn’t that easy to be, but just, I wanted to say we aren’t good enough. I’m sorry ma’am, just we aren’t. George? Shall we?” she stood up from the chair and walked forward leaving me on my knees just like my husband’s parents left me in the middle of the park as soon as they got to know that I won’t be able to have kids ever.

I was in the same situation where I was 2 years ago. I sat on the ground hiding my head between my legs. I cried my eyes out for a long time till some old lady whom I never knew helped me to get up and held me until I walked to the bank with red eyes filled with tears, with a face of disappointment, not about the answer they gave, disappointed about my own self for not having the ability to have kids on my own, for my weakness, for my sinful life, for everything I went through till today. All those things lead me to lock my cabin door at the bank, and hang myself from the neck with the table lamp wire, from the ceiling fan till I heard a crack sound from somewhere as soon as I pushed away the chair which I was standing, which helped me to live for these few seconds, which carried all the sadness, guiltiness I had in life, which was my only companion at the moment where the devil of death found me and carried me away from this whole world, fading away my eye sight and making it all pitch black.

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