Where to start...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wrote this after going through one of the worst things a mother can go through... I have another about the same subject, then I wrote "a day and night of your angel" that was the point when we were healing from this mess.... many years has passed...

Submitted: January 18, 2014

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Submitted: January 18, 2014

A A A

A A A


Oh where to start?


 

once again in the dark I sit here

wishing my mind would go past here

feelings of sadness and anger

as cold to my soul as a stranger

do you have no shame?

for your stupid game?

how could you? I ask myself

time after time, how do you live with yourself?

echos thru my head

all I want is you gone instead

I can handle what you did to me

when everyone else could not see

the constant sexual aggressiveness

and just plain vulgarness!

Your nature is sick

you were NEVER my pick

but yet you weaseled your way

pushed me every day

I finally gave in,

my own stupidity from within!

I put up with it all

being backed against the wall,

the only good thing that came out of you

was our daughter, MY daughter, for you

have NO right to her

for what YOU have done to her!

I can not believe you did this

How will she get past this?

everyday and night

is a constant fight

in my heart and mind

to protect this child that is mine!

so unbelievably sad

my heart is so mad!

why? why did you?

how could you?

you do not even care

jokes you cracked, how do you DARE?

does it not bother you?

that the emotional scars are from YOU?

embedded in the mind of a 4 yr old?

do you not regret your stupidity so bold?

I bet you have lost no sleep

where here ... the land of sleep

is constantly interrupted by nightmares

due to you actions, but who cares?

not you, you selfish thing...


 

at 3am I sit here wishing...

for anything...

to help my daughter heal

from all this that you had to steal

part of her innocence is lost

something that can't be replaced at any cost

what hits me worse

is that you show no remorse

no sorry, no nothing

you can't offer up anything

but to ask when you can see her again?

do you really think I would put her in that again?

would you please just walk away?

further and further with each passing day?

so that she may grow up...

without feeling so messed up?


 

I feel so backed against the wall again

I promised myself I wouldn't be here again!

so angry and upset... because of YOU

you are a bully... yes you!


 

So now I deal with more things

like therapists, doctors, police, and protective order things.

things to keep you away from her

things I do because I love her

she is only FOUR for crying out loud!

now she has to be told that seeing daddy is not allowed

you caused this... you are the reason

the one and only reason!

she does not understand why

and sometimes asks me why

I don't know what to say...

other than "maybe some day"

Keeping all the anger I feel

knowing anything additional may cause her to feel

it is her fault some how

I WILL fix this some how!

but with no help from you

the damage is done Thank You!


 

She is such an angel you know

She is fixing to turn five now

so full of life and love

sent to me from up above!

She is my reason to smile

and push thru the next mile!

Yes you caused severe damage

but I know WE will manage!

She has a wonderful outlook on things

and her hugs and kisses are the most precious things!


 

you threw it all away

for your "cheap sexual pleasure" as you say

you will never understand just how much

that lil girl is worth, that you claimed to love so much!


 

I sit here and try to figure out

how I could have some how

kept it from happening

done a better job of protecting?

some how some where I failed her

by letting you, her father, spend time with her

this just is not right for me

to take all this on you see

and all the while knowing

you go on living

as if nothing has gone array

not a thing to worry about today!

but when it comes to judgement day

dare I say...

God Himself will have something to say

for you behaving this way!


 

So I swallow my anger

and know I have pulled her away from the danger

being careful in showing emotion

when inside I feel the explosion

that is breaking my heart and soul

knowing that I was the fool

I refuse to let her grow up in fear or sadness

but instead with love and kindness

My little angel, she is in EVERY way!

with her halo of curls, she gets me thru the day!


 

So as I lay here I find myself in prayer

thanking God for such a wonderful child

that gives me so much strength to build

our lives up and not to be torn down

to keep on smiling even when we want to frown

thanking God for what we have today

and that we find tomorrow an even better day

to prove we will make it

no matter what you took from it

our days move on...

even if I am begging for calgon

to take me away...

far far away some way.


 

So here I write this letter

hoping to feel better

with her by my side

hiding all this hurt and anger inside

feelings you don't care to know

you're a selfish man you know!

How will I survive this?

Will she make it thru this?

We HAVE to!

there is just nothing else to DO!

Holding my head up with a smile

even if I feel like I am dying all the while



 

For my sweet child

I love you so much my child

Everything will be okay

.......... some day.














 


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