Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Over the Years i have been through a lot in my life that has made me grow and mature by the age of 18 where as Most would be living it up and partying. Due to Health issues it made me see the world in a different light a very different light and as the years have gone by i have noticed how vain, bitchy and selfish i may have been in the past and now what do i feel? Guilt, emotions and Pain. I lost some friendships along the way which i wish i never lost and now that the anger, the sadness and the pain has gone i need to say how i really feel with an open mind. It's been said before "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word".

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word


I have for some time now pondered on weither or not i would write this let alone release it for others to read. When you are young you don't understand the consequences of your actions or words and how that may affect someone or your relationship with someone. 

As some of you may know i have 7 illness and most days i am bedridden from pain and over the 24 hours a day i spend in my room it has made me really think about the past and everything i have done wrong and everything i did right. I tend to look back on photos and think " Oh they were the good old times when you would run around a park " and others i think " That was the time where things really hut the fan". 

So the question now is where do i start?

Emotions- We all have them and some times we absolutely hate them, Emotions can change so fast, One moment you are having the time of your life and the next you are crying. Some times when you are angry all you see is hatred and all the things someone else has done wrong that you don't really see what's going on. Then words can be exchanged between friends or between rivals, Some are loving and full of care and others well they're not so much. 

I used to be this shy little kid in primary school who would cry if a teacher yelled at her, I was the girl who never knew what to say so when the new girl came in Primary 3 told her " The bathrooms in there" then in Academy i turned into a bit of a bitch and this is where the story begins.

The New Girl?

You Know who you are- i doubt you are even reading this which i don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. There is somethings i have to get off my chest and no it's nothing mean this time ( Sorry about that) 

We First met Meethill Primary School in Primary 3 that would be roughly 11 years ago- That's actually making me feel like an auld wifie. Like i said i was pretty shy when we first met you were like fresh meat and all the girls was gathered round you at break and the only words that i could say was "The Bathrooms are in There" everyone looked at me like i was a complete and utter moron and to be honest i was. Our teacher was Mrs Kemp oh how much we hated her at the time but i never knew in that moment with those words how things would work out for us- the good and the bad. 

- Due to my memory there is alot of things i don't remember anymore so you may have to stick with me. Half the time i don't even remember how to spell words you were always the smart one. 

From Primary 3 on our friendship began to blossom and it became stronger and stronger to the point where we entered the Talent show and dance to Flo Rida - Low. Do you remember that one? Feels like ancient history now. I got my cousin and sister to help us with the choreography and I'm pretty sure we got a certificate or something to go along with it. We would practice on your trampoline in the garden which would turn out into a complete disaster but some how we managed. 

Primary 7 prom was a right laugh, We looked cute as fuck if i don't say so my self. The smallest people in our class but that didn't hold us back from anything, If i remember correctly you were going out with Matthew Sneddon at the time up until 3rd year. I've still got the photos from inside the limo and us or well maybe it was just me who thought how cool we looked riding about in a pink limo with our fake champagne which reminds me off when me you and Jennifer got in trouble for standing beside the bar trying to look all cool but instead we got into shit for it...opps. During the dance part of the prom i went to the bathroom and lost all of my rings ( They were way to big for me anyway) and it wasn't until we were doing the cha cha slide you noticed they were hiding at the bottom of my tights- God knows how long they were there for. I near about had a heart attack when i lost them i thought me mam was going to kill me. It was a good night that day 

Back then i was so happy and proud to call you my friend because we had been through a lot together well alot for children anyway. You were the one person i knew i could always rely on and i told you my deepest and darkest secrets because that's what you did with your best friend. Those times all seem so much easier don't they when you never really saw what the world could do to a person. We were really different back then shy, a bit odd but innocent which seems hard to believe now a days. 

Maybe you have stopped reading by now and as much as it would hurt if you did i would understand but if you are still reading this thank you for taking the time we both really screwed each other over so i wouldn't expect you to still be reading. I've still got a lot to say but it comes from a place of love and peace because if i don't say these words now then maybe i never will and it would haunt me to my grave. 

Where were we?

First year of Peterhead Academy- Me and you began walking to school together with Iona and Aiden- I would get so stressed because i thought we would be late ( I really was a goody too shoes back then) We were practically in all the same classes - Aburthnot with Mrs Ramsey the amount of conversations we had about her and Registration up at ICT 108 was that with Miss Hutcheson or have i just made up a complete and utter random name? Oh well back to the point we met a lot of new people there like Julie- Anne, I bet you remember that name. She drove us mad and nearly broke up our friendship the first time- I can't even remember what the hell it was about all i remember was it hurt me. I remember trying to switch houses and everything because of it which in a way when i got told no it was sort of a blessing in disguise. We eventually made up after realising how foolish we were at the time but that was the first time we ever had a fight. We got up to a lot of mischeif but we didn't get to the rule breaking just yet did we? 

By First Year Academy i classed you as my family we were like "Cousins" as we said and at that point i never thought i could have lived my life with out my best friend. I know we were both kids but we both felt the pain from it and how it broke us, I remember we would cry over it because one minute we were friends and the next thing we weren't and still to this day it hurts a little at the fact that happened because we let what other people said get to us. Thank fully enough we made up and caused a lot more mischief from there. 

I'm not gonna lie i can barely remember a thing from second year the whole year just feels like a blur but i do remember all our morning gossips on the way to school or our made up language "ugts?" - You going to School? I remember phoning you in the morning and some times i would walk up to your house if i had time and some times i just met you at nisa and we talked about everything and anything. We had a lot of inguries together too from falling upstairs or walking into a lamp post or tripping over air there was always something going on with us. Most the time we were always laughing about something it may not have been funny to anyone else but it was funny to us for some reason and i think thats what made us so unique. 

We went through a lot together like getting into trouble the day of the fresh catch fire or accidentally breaking things like ipods because it feel out of pockets when we were running. We had been through deaths together your granda and my nana and we went through a lot of change.  The tears of nearly losing Yasmin ( Scared the living shit out of me that one) As the years went on your family was like my family where i could get a break from it all and i was so thankful for everything you and your family had done for me. 

Are you still there? Yes? No? I don't want to get my hopes up so i'm thinking your maybe not but i'm going to keep going anyway but this is where things start becoming tough and where i put my hands up to things i have done. 

So the end of fourth year we started losing touch and it was basically my fault because i started going out with Dickhead which i didn't realise at the time how much it was changing who i was as a person because i was so love struck. I was so in love that i pushed everyone out of my life even you who was my best friend. I began spending more time with him than i did my own family and i never noticed the change and I know i changed- I became a cold hearted and selfish bitch and i didn't see how much i was hurting you. I knew you didn't really like him but at the time i didn't care because i thought i was in love with him and i thought we was the best thing on this earth which clearly i was wrong ( I probably deserved everything that happened) I pushed you away and said a lot of horrible things to you, In the moment i was so angry and hurt i said things and it wasn't until a few months 8 or so i realised what i had really done. When we fell out we both said a lot of hurtful things to each other and it broke me hearing all the bad things made me feel so shit about myself that i cried every single night in my bed and i know you did the same. I have no one to blame but myself for the way that things ended up. I was a bitch to you and I'm really sorry. 

We went through most of fifth year not talking and it wasn't until sixth year we began talking again but i think it was mainly because we sat next to each other in English and was both up at the library at the same time but i'm glad it happened, even though we were having civil kind of conversations it was still nice to be able to talk to you.

Sorry Seems to be the hardest word- It's absolutely true and you know what I am sorry for any kind of pain and misery i have caused you over the years because it wasn't right and it wasn't fair. No matter how angry i was i should never have said some of the stuff i did. I'm sorry i pushed you away when i shouldn't have because you were my best friend and i know you were going through a hard time too. I'm sorry i was a complete and utter bitch i feel bad because we missed out on so many potentially happy memories with each other. I'm sorry because i used to class you as my family and i could have never imagined living my life with out you in it. You were like my sister the person i could tell all my secrets too and the person i trusted the most in the world. You gave me so many great memories over the years and i am sorry that because of our stubborness we missed out on many more. I know it takes two to tango but i'm not going to lie i am going to take a lot of what happened on myself because since it happened i felt guilt and pain and sadness for what i did. One day we were family and the next day we weren't. It really did break my heart and it still does. I'm sorry i couldn't have been a better friend to you when i should have been and i'm sorry i couldn't have been a better person. We were both so insane, insanly funny and small we got on so well apart from i was thick and you were smart. 

If you have reached the bottom of this then there is only a few things left to say again I'm sorry and i know no matter how much times i apologise things will never be the same with us but i just needed to get it all off my chest because i have been wanting to say it for a while but never got the chance to. I'm not sure if it's because people have died that i decided it's something i needed to do or what but i know these words can't fix what we broke but i just wanted you to know i am sorry because i do still have memories of our friendship and it makes me sad that i can't smile and be happy about them. I do miss our conversations about anything and everything and i miss being able to speak about things we both had in common with each other. I miss running round the shops from your house in our pjs to get milk and annoying your family because we could be pretty annoying at times. I also miss daisy doo she was like my best friend too. I don't expect you to forgive me to be honest i would understand if you ignored this. I know your family hate me and that's okay because i probably deserve the hate. There is so many memories i wish i could share but unfortunatly for the past year i have been losing all my memories so these are basically the only ones i have left. 

I'm Sorry x 

Submitted: November 05, 2018

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