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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A woman deciding between beauty and death, and the life that led her to this debate.

Submitted: June 07, 2008

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 07, 2008



The veins peered up at me like some sort of predestined finality. The perfection of that blue, the shape of it, its accessibility begged to be penetrated. At the same time, I could not bare the thought of ruining that perfectly white and wholesome part of me. Not even a freckle ruined the stark pale forearms. I was facing the fact that I'd be ruining the last pure part of me.

My interest in biology had come to teach me how perfectly it could be done. To assure that you are hit, walk down the rail road tracks, not across them. Such finality! I just could not stand that. However, if I cut the "wrong" way, everyone would assume it was a cry for help. That is not the case of course. Attention is the last thing I want. That would be accusing the roly poly bugs that intentionally live under large, immobile rocks of seeking attention from the sun. I just hate the the absolute knowing of the thing because I like to leave some window for fate. If it does exist. And if it does exist, it seems to have something against me. But yes, I want to let fate pop in and save me at the last second, if that is God's will....

This overwhelming urge to die began when I was sixteen years old. And before the whim of death began the reason. Gabe Hodges. I met him on a hot day in July, a day that screamed sticky south. I was sitting with the junkyard dog at my father's work, trying to give the dog a good measure of affection but trying to avoid the discomfort that the white fur would surely bring. On my way back up from one of the dog's sudden playful pins, I saw him...

He reminded me of the plastic covered popsicles given to children to keep hydrated when they were shoved outdoors in these hot months. Almost attainable, but I dare not open it myself. Dripping from the heat, vibrant, begging for me to taste. I wanted to absorb him. Wanted him to release a feeling in me that would counteract this humidity. My dark eyes followed so intently one particular sweat droplet that had started behind his ear and fell to his broad, freckled shoulder. He felt my intensity and put down the box of tools he was sifting through and just stared at me. I had never felt eyes on me like that before. I was a feminine girl, but not a "pretty" one. The attention was unusual but welcome. I grabbed my bottom lip, as if to deny myself this delicase. Gabe stood up straightand with a cigarette in his hand gave me the most brilliant smile I had ever seen.

Gabe was everything I had ever pretended to be in middle school. His brown eyes carried a wit that held you tight, a sparkle that cancelled out any bad attribute he could have possibly withheld. Everyday after we noticed one another, those eyes would find mine as I pretended to read beside that big white dog and against my will, my mouth would spread into an inviting smile.

"What you reading?"

That was it. The bang that began the worlds, the single finger God laid upon the earth to allow the plants to grow, the sand in the oyster mouth, and the first atomic bomb. His voice came down as the angel to Mary, in Australian splendor.

"Pride and Prejudice," I said, folding back the edge of my page, committing the ultimate sin, stopping amidst a chapter.

"I read that book. Don't let that romance get to you..." He winked and was gone into the garage.

© Copyright 2017 anouklovett. All rights reserved.

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