Hiding in the shadows of the others

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
i wrote a letter to a girl who was reaching out to victims of being bullies, i feel the whole world should know what some people go through. ( Copied and pasted exact words i wrote to this girl )

Submitted: March 22, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 22, 2013



 i know no one is gonna message you but... i want to be kept anonymous please... but i been through alot, and i just want to get this out of my mind. and im so glad you made that status... i can speak my mind to someone who cares. You probably dont know me.. you probably dont like me.  But here's my life story..

I am a freshmen, and i just wish i can be noticed. for who i am... my personality, my mind, my talents... not who my family is; or who my siblings are. everyday i wake up wishing i can be someone else.. im jealous of every girl in the school... im jealous of everyone... I use to get bullied my whole Middle school years... i use to get picked on.. i was always afraid to tell people how i feel... no one knows what i deal with at home... i look in the mirror.. and i cry of what i see. i sometimes even wish the person in the mirror was dead.. Not alive. but back to being bullied... i use to get bullied by my family... called Ugly.. and stupid.. and my dad even called me a mistake... my brothers make fun of me.. to their friends.. and when their friends see me in school.. They Point and Laugh at me.... when people find out who my brothers are.. they laugh at me.. pointing... saying my brothers are so popular and good looking ... and... im Me.... Me being me is who i want to be.. i dont want to be like my brothers... i want to be myself.... but when someone tells me to go kill myself... tells me im not important.. telling me im ugly... just waste of space in this world... people tell me No one will care about me if i die....its hard.. when i want to be someone.. but people are pushing me away telling me they dont care about me....  i got pushed up against a locker once.. and punched in the shoulder... it bruised me badly...., i got people looking at me. and making side comments i heard one "" shes ugly.. Hahaha"" and just stuff like that is hurtful.... guys are embarrassed to talk to me... cuz they know people will make fun of them for talking to me.... i walk the halls by myself.... i hate the way i look... im afraid of talking to people.... im afraid of making friends.. because when i talk to someone, or a guy i like... i just.. get that feeling. that they are thinking what everyone thinks of me... ( Ugly, disgusting ) Whole reason why im so shy of who i am. is because i grew up with my family hurting me... my brothers and i are victims of Abusive parents when we were little... my oldest bro was even abused last year.. but because he hit his girlfriend. but my father nearly killed him.. my father use to abusive my brother so much. hes going the military next year... HOPING to make my family proud of him.. i dont want him to leave.. i have separation issues.. and its just not somethings i can deal with....

I am a girl who has been hurt so much... but was never cared enough from her parents to be taken to the hospital... im a girl who is scared to be noticed... im a girl who is scared of her looks.. im a girl who is suicidal..... i am a girl who cuts... i am a girl who is always depressed.. i am a girl who wants to run away.. i am a girl who witnessed her father almost kill her mother when she was only 5 years old... i am a girl who is in pain everyday from long term injuries from not getting help... i am a girl who is struggling through school.. i am a girl who wants people to stop judging me by my looks... i am a girl who wishes she loved who was in the mirror... i am a girl.. who only has one person helping her My boyfriend... i am a girl who tried to kill herself... i am a girl who tried to run away...
 i have separation issues... and i have this girl who was like my sister... and her baby ( my nephew ) she met someone else.. and now her n my bro never speak.. my "sister" left my family... never to be spoken from again from her nor our 4 year old nephew.. grandson.. son.. my Sis.. i loved her... she was only reason why i wanted to live on this planet... shes the only reason why i use to be happy... i had so many memories with her... i love her... but she left... and its like she doesnt even remember me.... before she left... she would let me tell her everything.. she listened.. she let me cry with her.... she was family... she was everything.. i Cry.. im crying just thinking about her... she helped me so much with life.. she made me happy.... she made so many promises to live with me.... me move with her.. see her every weekend... its been forever since i seen her.. its been forever since i been happy... when im with her.. i forget all the bullying... i forget all the nasty words i get called.. i forget the thought people wish i was dead... when im with her im Happy For Real. but now shes Gone... and im never happy... thoughts of her run through my mind, all the words people say to me.. Echos through my mind.... im believing everyone.. ""im Ugly, fat. loser.. aloner. annoying, stupid.. im not loved.. no one loves me. no one wants me around. why am i on this planet? im not wanted... ""
I get made fun of for cryin in school for missing someone... losing her. just by her never talking to me feels like shes dead.. i never once hear her voice.. see her... her laugh. her talks with me.. i  get made fun of. for missing someone who made me happy..

I'm afraid of going to school. i hate the nasty looks i get in school... i hate being called a whore.. a skank.. Ratchet.. i hate being called a slut.... how can i be a whore or slut.? when the whole school thinks im ugly... ? how can someone like me. when they are embarrassed to be seen with me.. my BROTHERS are embarrassed to be seen with me in school.... at home.. my family hate me. my mother and father yell at me... i have so many problems.. when i get upset or mad.. i have anxiety attacks.. i punch the wall.. last week. my whole hand was bruised. from punching the wall... i tried to run away few days ago... i even left each of my family members a good by letter.. but i burned them...

my life isnt important.. my stories arent important... my feelings arent important.... but being bullied + family members hating me + separation issues + mind problems = me wishing to be someone else...
 I thought i would just share with you... i know its pretty off topic but im tired of pretending to be happy.. im tired of pretending the words dont hurt.. im tired of pretending its all just jokes and games.. im tired of people not listening and not understanding... words hurt more.....

i try to help people who are suicidal because  i understand... i  stand up for the kids who get bullied.. this kid in my one class people make fun of him.... because of his looks... im tired of people thinking its Looks is what matters.. i yell at them to leave him alone.. i tell them to just shut up.. and my one friend... hes emo.. because people thinks hes ugly.. he tried to kill himself... i talked him out of it...5 times.. more then that.. hes a cutter.... he lives out of the state. i cant help him alot... but message the people on fb who bully him to tell them to leave him alone... but it doesnt help.. i Want people like me to be NOTICED and not hidden in the shadows... being bullied.... i want people to stop bullying.. i want people to just  UNDERSTAND.

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