Gran

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic

I wrote this in January, 2009 in memory of my Great Granny Hannah.

Endless laughter. For the most part that is all I hear. But I am not laughing. No, as they laugh a tear rolls down my cheek, a quiet sob croaks in my throat. Try as I might I cannot stop the tears, nor suppress the sobs. The burden in my heart is too heavy. I feel her presence, but I cannot see her. I hear her voice, yet I cannot hug her. Why is it only I, who sheds tears on this day? Has everyone forgotten her already? No. They do not cry because they know she wouldn’t want that. They do not cry because they want everyone else to be happy. Minutes pass, still I cannot stop the tears from falling. After what feels like an eternity in hell a Kleenex is pushed into my hand. I can no longer hold back I break down into loud sobs, now all eyes are on me. I keep my eyes down, too afraid to look up at the faces that watch me now. The faces of those whose fun was ruined because I miss her so much.
September 20th. A day I will never forget. I shoot awake, just before my dad turns on the light. He sits on the bed and tries to say something, but is overpowered by sobs. I jump up and embrace him. I knew immediately what had happened. Yet I did not cry. I sat here, hugging my dad. We left for the hospital, and on the way down he said “she’s in a better place” and that’s when everything hit me. It was at that moment that I finally realized what happened. She was gone. She was gone, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I thought about the last time I went to see her. I rollerbladed downtown, and stopped in so my nana and I could leave for the village soon. She was not awake. Before we left, I kissed her forehead and said “I love you” and then we left. I got no response. That was a week before she passed away. After her passing, the body was brought to our home, and there we wept, we lived, sometimes we laughed. People would be telling jokes or stories of the past, some happy and some sad.

I awake early, the light of dawn freshly upon us. I slowly wander to the window and look out at the white blanket outside. It is Christmas, the first Christmas without her. The normal routine took place, breakfast, presents, spend the day in the house. But I could tell the difference. It just wasn’t the same. Then, of course, came the family dinner. As always, there was a lot of talking, a lot of laughing, and a LOT of food. We ate, and afterwards, the “family business” came up. That’s when it all went downhill, when we were all reminded of our pain. When the “family business” is done, common conversation picks up quickly. We all want to keep a positive and happy atmosphere. Each table having their own conversations. I talk sports with my dad, and TV shows with my nana. All of a sudden laughter erupts. My little cousin is dancing and singing. He does this often, and it always cheers us up. As he gets louder, we get quieter, mesmerized by his singing.

I’m sitting in class, the teacher babbling on about something. The only thing on my mind is her, and how much our family dinners suffer without her. But we wouldn’t be having these dinners if it wasn’t for her. We wouldn’t get to laugh together, or cry together. We hold our dinners to keep our family alive, and close. We find strength in each other. Our family is unique. We are one of the few families on our reservation that get together regularly. Some families don’t even know they are related. But that’s where we differ. She was our anchor, she IS our anchor. We are a family because of her, we remain a family because of her. All of this running through my mind as all of a sudden the teacher calls upon me. I answer the question and go back to my thinking. I think about the old days, when I was little. I remember sitting at the table with her, eating Talos. It feels like just yesterday, I can still smell the Talos, the smell fresh in my nostril. I can still see her, clear as day, dipping hers in salt and taking a bite. I relive this memory often, because I know I cannot live it again.

Endless laughter. For the most part that is all I hear. I too laugh. It is summer, and I have just returned from working. The dinner is for me, and some other members of the family. It is around the time of our birthdays, and we are celebrating as a family. Dinner, cake, gifts, laughter, happiness. I’m lucky to be apart of this family, this amazing and loving family. A family who is there for me at all times, no matter what. A family I’m proud to spend 4 hours of my time with. But I would give up everything I am, just for 5 minutes more with my great-grandma. We keep her alive in our hearts every day. She is the driving force in which we live for. She is our inspiration, the rock that holds our mountain together. She will never be forgotten. She will live on through us, and our children.


Submitted: December 11, 2009

© Copyright 2022 Antonius. All rights reserved.

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