BLT: Bombs, Love, and Tomato

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
a short, dramatic sketch on the complexities of "bomb or tomato?" and stealing girls like a bro.

my biting "humor" shall never stop misleading readers, i apologize. it's actually not very funny at all, in fact, it's dumb and abstract. it's kinda like the attempted lovechild of christopher durang and samuel beckett, except it turned out something like frankenstein - green, ugly, stomps all over the place ungracefully. however, i love it - it's short, sweet, easily act-able by two people on the street. so please enjoy - and if you hated it, hey - at least the tortured endured for a very short amount of time.

Submitted: February 23, 2010

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Submitted: February 23, 2010



blt: bombs, love, and tomato

(a dramatic sketch of explosive inexplosiveness)

TWO NONDESCRIPT GUYS, inspecting and walking round a tomato on the ground, gazes fixed.

ONE: (declaratively) It’s a tomato.
TWO: (glances at the piece of paper in hand) …You sure?
ONE: If it looks like a tomato, smells like a tomato, walks like a tomato, and talks like a tomato, then it’s a tomato.
TWO: But it says here – rules of the tomato: 1. It may or may not be a tomato. 2. If it isn’t a tomato, then it’s a bomb. 3. If you touch it in hopes of figuring out whether it is a tomato or a bomb, it will blow up in your face. Whether it will be a fatal explosion or will merely result in some tomato juice in your eyes remains to be seen.
ONE: So?
TWO: So I mean, it could be a bomb.
ONE: Well, it’s a tomato.
TWO: How do you know?
ONE: First of all, how does one even disguise a bomb as a tomato? (He looks at it quizzically.) Look at the shininess of the skin, the way the light bounces off each fiber of the leaf. It’s impossible to replicate these things with ceramic sculptures or even fiberglass. And also (he points to the piece of paper TWO is clutching so desperately) how do we know this is not a hoax? Do you know who left that note, left this tomato? Who’s to say that he’s not just messing with our minds?
TWO: We discussing the possible existence of a tomato. Our minds are already messed up as is.
ONE: Going by my arguments, I conclude it’s a tomato.
TWO: But what if it’s a bomb?
ONE: It’s not.
TWO: Stop that. Because if it’s a bomb, it’s liable to blow up at any given second.
ONE: I thought it would just blow up if we touched it?
TWO: But what if there are unwritten rules? The rules of chess or football were never ordained as so til someone had enough common sense to write all down, to evade confusion. And besides…what if this guy is just messing with our minds?
ONE: (starts walking away) I’m saying, we should just let this matter go.
TWO: What if it’s someone with a grudge against us? What if it’s someone like…Rob? Oh god, Rob.
ONE: (His interest is piqued) Who’s Rob?
TWO: You know…that Rob.
ONE: (thinks) You mean the one that…with you and her…and then that happened?
TWO: Yes.
ONE: Oh, that Rob.
TWO: So you know. That man has a grudge against me. Indubitably. And he wants to eliminate me in the cruelest means possible, under the guise of an innocent-looking tomato!
ONE: You’re being overdramatic.
TWO: I am not! I am…just trying to protect my lifespan, that’s all, thank you very much.
ONE: Again you make inane assumptions. Rob probably doesn’t even remember you, and if he does, he has much easier ways of “so-called” eliminating you, doesn’t he?
TWO: But I – !
ONE: Oh, God -
TWO: But I – !
ONE: Don’t say it!
TWO: But I stole his girlfriend!
(TWO breaks down into tears as ONE shakes his head in melancholy sympathy.)
ONE: You just had to say it, didn’t you.
TWO: Y-y-you’re right. (wipes tears) Maybe it is just a tomato.
ONE: There we go..
TWO: Maybe all it is, is a halo of innocence in this world of injustice. But I have to ask, what about Rob? What about the girl I stole from him? Maybe it really is just a tomato, but there’s a bomb hidden underneath all that shiny, squelchy skin. Or maybe it’s a tomato-bomb, maybe it’s a bomb-tomato, shouldn’t I just see for myself…? (He moves towards it.)
ONE: (hands reach out in protest) No – !
(Lights abruptly fall to black.)

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