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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
While I was in the Navy, I showed up late for work one morning along with three other people. We were all told to write a short essay about the importance of being on time.
I decided that I couldn't take this serious so I came up with this silly essay instead.
If you ever need an excuse for not showing up on time, feel free to reference this.
BTW, BOHICA stands for "Bend Over Here It Comes Again"

Submitted: August 25, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 25, 2014





Is it possible to be on time?  Most people think that “being on time” means to be at a designated location at a predetermined moment.  We all know this is stupid though because obviously “being on time” is a reference to something much deeper.Time travel!

Time travel is not to be taken lightly, due to the great danger involved, however it may be  necessary in certain situations.  Time travel is dangerous because time is controlled by Satan.  This is a hard fact for many people to accept but can be proven through simple logic.

The word “Time” has four letters.  Cars have four tires, coincidence, I think not.  Where do cars go?  To the mall.  What is significant about the mall?  There are two L’s in the word mall.  What other word has two L’s?  Hell!  Who is the ruler of hell?  Satan!  How many arms does Satan have?  Two.  How many hands does a clock have?  Two!  Yet another “coincidence”.

This clearly proves that Satan controls time; it isn’t the only proof though, there’s more.

Everyone has heard the saying, “time is money”, but its roots go much deeper than being spoken by buisness men in the early 19th century.  It was actually first used by Adam to explain to Eve what God had written on the third stone slab. 

Eve could not read for God had created women with a smaller and inferior brain, incapable of reading.  The only reason women can read today, is because through thousands of years of breeding, women have leeched some of men’s superiority causing their brains to grow… slightly.

The first two stone slabs contained the ten commandments, the third contained the five truths of the universe, the fourth and final slab contained God’s references.

The first of the five truths of the universe is our first saying, “time is money”.
The second truth is another common saying, “money is the root of all evil”. 
By time being money, and money being the root of all evil, we can conclude that time is also  the root of all evil.  With this information, it is easy to see that truly, Satan does control time.

Since Satan controls time, one should be very careful about attempting time travel.  Through the ages, there have been many methods of time travel, but all based upon the same principle.You may have seen over glorified versions of time travel in various movies such as “Harry Potter”, where Hermoine uses a time turner to manipulate time.  There is the remote controller used in the movie “Click”, the Delorian used in “Back to the Future”, and also the retarded looking sled thing in “The Time Machine”.  All variations are based upon folding time and passing through a hole. 

The third truth of the universe read “Be fearful of the fabric of time”.

Since money is the root of all evil, the plant that grows from the money root is called “mortigan”, but is now referred to as “cotton”.  Money is made, not from paper, but from cotton, that is why “money doesn’t grow on trees”; truth four.  Cotton is made into strings, which is then woven into fabric and finally made into money, hence “fabric of time”.
The way time is folded is quite simple.  All one needs to do is attain a piece of time, a dollar bill.  Then, simply fold the dollar bill in half.  This in itself is not dangerous, passing through the fold into another time is.  In order to do this, one must create a hole in the folded dollar bill large enough for one to pass through then simply pass through the hole.  There is no telling at what time you will arrive using this method alone, there must be some sort of machine/device used to control the specifics.  A way one can prove this works is by making a small puncture going through both sides of a dollar bill, then looking through the hole.  When you look through the hole, you will see a completely different time.  Don’t be put off if the scenery looks the same as the present, it is very possible that you are looking at a time very close to the current.

This is a very well kept secret, on the same level as the truth of Mary Magdalin presented in “the Devinci Code”, so of course no one will be able to verify or dispute the information presented, but be assured, it is all accurate.
If you are curious as to what the fifth truth of the universe is, it actually was never fully read by Adam because while he was reading it, Eve drove her car into the tablet because “something jumped out in front of the car”.  However, the small bit that Adam did get from the writing intailed two words unknown at the time “Navy”, and “BOHICA”.  To this day the meaning is still undetermined.

Is it possible to “be on time”? Simply by just sitting on a wallet containing a mere one dollar bill, one is “on time”.  This is very dangerous though because at any given time, one could fall through time if not careful.  This is why one should try at all costs to never be on time. 







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