The Last Petal

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
The news crushed you; us. It was like an enormous sledge hammer, hitting us right on the core of our heart, damaging every single nerves and vessels, leaving us scattered gasping for air.

You were my friend, my best friend, my wife, my soul mate and you were my everything. There is no possible way for me to replace you in my heart my dear. There won’t be any.

Submitted: May 14, 2014

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Submitted: May 14, 2014

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Hey, do you still remember the first time we met? It was during our college years. You were that girl who will always smile at me, but you will never look at me in the eye. It’s me. That guy who would always try to lock my gaze on you, but I just can’t. You want to know why? Because every time I tried, you will quickly moved you sight away from mine. But that day, when I saw you sitting alone in the bus by the window, I thought I could try my luck. Who knows it might be my lucky day.  

I could still picture that day. It was a sunny July afternoon; you were wearing a red blouse with white polka dots. Your necklace gracefully hangs on your neck. I noticed the pendant; it was a silver treble clef. Your grey tote bag lied on your laps while your hands were on the grip of the book that you were reading immensely. You put your rainbow umbrella on the seat next to yours.

Me? I was dressed as usual. My simple T-shirt and faded jeans, slipped into my loafer, having walking around with my favourite Converse sling bag; that usual me. Slowly, I made my way toward your seat,

“Anyone’s sitting here?” I asked. “May I?” I continued without even giving you any chance to answer.

I took the seat next to yours and God knows how fast my heart was beating. As if it was going to pop out and melt on the floor! I held my tongue, no, I bit my tongue! Not to freak you out but if only you could hear the talking in my head, I’m pretty sure that you would totally be alarmed and run out of the bus, screaming what a freak I am. But trust me, I was just communicating in my head; the kind of discussion you had when you were about to order food in a restaurant. I was just trying to find the best, my very best to get to know you.

You know, the first time I laid my eyes on you was when we were in a counselling technique class. Yes, you are right; it was far far far too long ago. You were my group mate, remember? Guess what, that was the first time I heard your voice, and oh my goodness it was so soothing and you had very beautiful sparkling eyes. And then, I realised that there was a weird feeling, bubbling inside me, like the burst of bubbles you got when you uncapped a bottle of shook Pepsi. I’ve never experience this before. -That feeling; that odd, mystical sensation in your heart. It tingled. It left me with drenched in cold sweat whenever I looked at you. The one that made your heart felt warm and shivered at the same time. I don’t know what that feeling was, until, I knew you.

 It was love.

There was a period in my life that I really wanted to know what love really means. I’ve never been loved the way I should be since I was a kid. I felt like nobody ever loved me until you loved me. Nobody; until you. My parents were very strict with me. Every thing that I did would always be a reason for them to be mad at me. I could not wait to go away from that hell. The hell of life that only I would know how it felt. Just imagine how I felt, I was the only child and yet they were very busy with their life; their working life to the point that they neglected me. All that I was asking for was a little bit of their precious time, “Nourish me with your love, I crave for your love” my heart screamed every time I saw them. Left alone in that big abode, I just wanted to be loved.

Back then, I never really knew what exactly had happened to them. The last thing I remembered was a loud thunderous thump coming from their room and my dad’s voice yelling something. I was so scared, I tiptoed and creaked open my bedroom’s door only to see that my mom, weeping on the floor, with her crooked black dress, her mascara stained her eyes and with her tousled hair she grabbed a hold at her crumpled dress. I guess, my dad just yelled at my mom. I didn’t know why, but seeing my mom in such a mess, drenched in tears I felt like crying too. Tears were filling up my eyes when I saw my dad, wearing the same shirt he wore during dinner, stomping his way furiously to the keys bowl on the coffee table at the living room. Fiercely, he grabbed the car keys, bashed the front door and I heard the engine of his car roared and that was the last day I’ve ever seen my dad.

I grew up pondering on what had happened to my parents because every time I tried to ask my mom, she would say

 “When you grow up, you will understand. But just know that, this decision is for your own good.”

I kept quite after that. I guess that must be the reason of why my mom kept on giving me the same answer whenever I prompted her with that question.

You know, it was like a dream to me to have you as my wife. It was an incredibly a blessing to me when you regarded me as your friend. It was magical to me when you said that you loved me too. I know, I have to make you my wife. And even until now, I still feel like it was like yesterday that you said yes to me when I proposed you in your favourite garden by the lakeside. I could still hear you soft voice telling me how touched you were. I could still picture the smile of happiness on that violin’s player when you said yes to me. And the melody he swayed us was still singing in my head. That day, when I saw you in your wedding dress, darn you looked like an angel! Shining and wow, amazing! Your beauty was beyond compare. As we walked down the aisle, our gaze locked on each other, it was as if you could sense my nervousness, you chuckled and winked at me. Ah, that moment when we promised each other to be together no matter what comes in, no matter how ruthless the situation is, that was a perfectly beautiful moment and I knew, at that very second, my life was complete!

Our married life was wonderful to me. You made me forgot every black dot in my life. Waking up at the sight of you every time I opened my eyes was indeed the best thing that I could ever wish for. I could not find the most suitable word to illustrate that feeling of having you secured in my arms all the way through the nights. Days turned to months and unknowingly it was almost 3 years after our marriage. One day after our third anniversary, as we cuddled on the futon in front of the television, suddenly you rose up the issue about children. You said it was rather peculiar since you were not pregnant yet. I remembered holding you hands, slowly I brought them to my lips, I kissed them and said,

 “It’s okay; we must never give up...” I looked into your watery eyes and continued, “Maybe not now” I paused, searching for your hazel eyes, “Maybe we are not ready yet...” I continued. I saw a droplet of tear trying to escape the corner of your eye, stroking your wavy brunette hair, I said, “Cheer up honey, our life now is more than perfect...no need to feel sad, maybe God is planning something better for us, okay?” And then, a perfect kiss landed on your forehead. You smiled, and my world just lighted up over and over again. Honey, did you know that you owned a smile that I would never get tired to look at?

 But truth be told, I was yearning for children too.  But I do not want to rush about it. For me, my life with you was beyond perfect. I could never ask for more. But, deep down inside me, I won’t deny the fact that our life would be much happier and filled with more compassionate love with the born of our symbol of love. That little one whom would probably have your sparkling eyes, my jet black hair, and of course your irresistible smile. If he was a boy, I would love to call him Brian, yes, I know you would never agree with that, but hey, if she is a girl, I’ll let you name her Delisha. Okay? *wink*

 16 April 2003. That was the day you decided to seek a professional opinion on what’s going on that matter. I went with you. I remembered that look in your eyes. You were worried. Scared and anxious of what could possibly be the explanation of why you were not pregnant yet. And I remembered I calmed you down and tenderly whispered, “Whatever the outcome is, just know that you are indeed the greatest wife I could ever ask for and that I always be in love with you...” I said that out of instinct, out of love.

“Mrs Stinson, I am deeply sorry to inform you this, but it looks like your uterus is oddly shaped. While it is not fatal, it leaves you infertile. I am so sorry.”

The news crushed you; us. It was like an enormous sledge hammer, hitting us right on the core of our heart, damaging every single nerves and vessels, leaving us scattered gasping for air. I could see that you were flabbergasted. The instant you heard that from the doctor, your jaw dropped. Stunned. Awestricken. Not a word came out from your mouth, not even a slight sigh. Your disappointment was too much for a word. I could see the rhythm of your breathing hasten. But you did not shed tears. Not even a slight weep. You just nodded, and stood up. You thanked the doctor and shook her hand. You grasped my hand and we dragged our way out of the doctor’s room. You were quiet. Dreadfully quiet. From the clinic until we reached home, not even a word was said by you.

For days, you did nothing but sit at your garden. You named all the flowers. From the white rose to the red amaranth, you named them all. Seeing you naming the flowers and calling them with such ardent voice and calmante tones, I felt a pang of guilt within me. It tore my heart to pieces witnessing you patting the flowers with such unfathomable affection. My ego shattered to million little pieces hearing you talking to the flowers. Once, I heard you sighed and whispered softly to the blooming petals of daisies, “How I would love to have a child...” It was so heart breaking. At nights, you would talk in your sleep, “I don’t understand...” then you lost in your innermost battle. I thought it was just a concise effect. I thought that you will be okay after a period of time.

But love, I thought wrong. I am sorry. The only thing that I meant to do was to be there with you, support you through the rain and storm. Whenever you felt that the world was on your shoulder, I wanted to be the one, to stay there with you and make you smile again. I wanted to be that guy again; whom smile would light up your heart, whom voice could quiver your thirsty soul, whom eyes would sparkle your day. I thought I could. But I thought wrong. Totally wrong! You remained outside. Whenever you were inside the house, you were very anxious. You keep on saying that it was not safe outside. Your face was cautious and worried. It looked like you left something precious outside the house. Your body language told me just how desperate you wanted to be outside, with your flowers. Whenever it rained, you would sit by the window pane and cried. You would weep and stare at your drenched flowers, until the rain stopped and quickly you would open the door and ran to the garden, just to check on your precious flowers. There were times where I tried to pacify you. You repelled me with your greatest solitude. My love, had I realised that one day you would end up leaping away from me into such an inaccessible distance, I would never let that day appear in front of you. EVER! I realised that there was nothing that I could do to prevent you from crying like that whenever it rained. The only thing that I could do was to watch you in silent, the silent that somehow screamed horror in my deepest soul.

I was feeling very abandoned. The wife that I loved the most is now no longer herself. She was no longer in love with me. I barely felt your existence anymore. At night, you refused to have my arm lingered around you anymore. Every time I tried to talk to you and looked into your tear stained hazy eyes, you would turn your gaze away. Though you might be surrounded with all the blooming flowers around you, but your faded smile never bloomed. -Never again. Regardless of how long I waited. From days to weeks, weeks turned to months and it was almost a year, and yet, you never smiled again. I missed you. I really did. But slowly I came to learn that your voice has been lost in your dreadful sadness and that it took all the tranquillity, sucked all your composure within you, leaving you devastated, ruined and tousled beyond repair.

That day, I reached home after work, it was around 6.00 pm. I was drained without energy, there were too many patients today and the only thing lingered in my mind was you. I wanted to see your face. I wanted to hold your hands. I wanted to hear you told me, “How’s work today? Did you miss me today?” and you would wink at me. I wanted that! I parked the car at the porch and as soon as I stepped out of the car, I heard a distant cry. I tried to trace the sound. It was from the garden! Panic whooshed through me, your face was the only that came to my mind. The rain was so heavy, and the wind almost blew my umbrella away. Slowly I made my way through the wet floorings and as I walked, the cry became clearer. I fastened my pace; I could not bare the anxiousness anymore. My heart skipped a beat when I saw you. You were sitting on the wet floor; your peach top was soaked in that cruel rain. Your white pants were drenched in rain and stained with the dirt on the floor. You were trying to gather all the soil on the floor and put it back into the vase; the broken vase. The soil was everywhere, melted by the vindictive rain, drowned by your tears. You did not realise that I was there, standing, looking at you. My compassion drowned seeing you like that. You patted the wilted daisy in that broken vase near the sliding door. I heard you whispered to the daisy,

“I’m sorry little one. Mummy’s a terrible mom. I did not take care of you...” and your sobs grew louder.

The vase was broken and there was a sphere navy blue ball lying nearby you. In my judgment, the ball must belong to our neighbour’s son. He must have been accidentally threw it into our garden and broke one of your little babies. I grabbed your hands and persuaded you to come inside with me. You refused at first, you said, you did not want to leave your baby outside, the baby must be cold. “Don’t worry, I’ll bring her in later, I’ll tuck her in bed, okay?” then only you followed me in. You were still sobbing when I covered you with a big cosy blanket, you were shivering. I prepared you a cup of Chamomile tea to calm you down. I hugged you, and told you that I loved you. -Silent. You did not reply me the way you used you do. Love, if only you knew just how much I missed hearing your voice. I missed your little laugh. I missed everything about you baby.

Maybe you needed time to accept that heart throbbing fact that you were not able to get pregnant like most women do. And as your husband, I only wanted to see you happy and smiled again. I took a deep, full breath and said, “You wait here for a while, okay?” I looked into your eyes, and continued, “I’ll go upstairs and prepare your bath, I’ll put your favourite lavender bath cream, okay my dear?” I kissed your cheek and waited for no reply, I climbed the stairs.

Nervous sprawled through my veins when there was a complete distinct silent after I called you few times. I went downstairs to look for you, but you were no where to be found. In that pouring rain, I searched the garden, tracked you in the kitchen, the living room and lastly our bedroom. I stepped into the room and realised that something was not right. Heart beat fasten. Something was not right. Where were you? I scanned the room when I realised that the window pane was cracked opened. I remembered closing that window before I prepared your bath water just now. I took a step towards the window; I thought maybe I forgot to do so. As I reached the hook of the window, my heart stopped beating. A panic flushed through me. It stopped pumping the blood throughout my body. I was speechless. Shocked. Or even worse, I did not know what I was feeling.

 

There, I saw you! Lying on that garden floor. Love, what were you doing there? Why were you there? How did you get there? Why was there blood from your head? Why were you breathing like that? Did you ju...?? Why? How? WHY???  With tears I ran downstairs to get you. I kneeled down at you, I grabbed your hand. Trembled, drenched in cold sweat I called you. No answer, but still, you were still breathing. You opened your eyes, tears streamed down your face,

“I...am...so...sorr..y...”

And that was all. Second, and you were not there anymore.

Why sweetheart, why?

My heart sunken as I screamed out your name!

My love, to tell you the truth, my heart has never felt so much pain before. My chest was tight. You do realise that you were the reason of why I became who I am right? Why love? Why do you have to go so soon? Is this what you really wanted dear? You were the one who showed the light whenever I was led strayed, drowned in my thoughts. You were the one you knew me, sometimes, I even felt like you knew me better that I know myself. You taught me love; you showed me how to love. I wonder what you would say, if I ask you why you did this to yourself. Honey, remember what you promised me on that altar? You vowed that you would be with me through our ups and down, you promised me to grow old together, you promised me that we will have a stroll together at that park where I proposed you when we strike 65. We even dreamed to have our own orchestra band playing by the very same lakeside on our 65th anniversary night. What happened to that, my love?

Honey, I love you nonetheless. To have you in my life is more than enough. I could never ask for more. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I forgot to always remind you just how much you meant the world to me. I’ve always love you. From that moment I saw you 35 years ago, until today, I still love you. Nothing will ever change the way I’m feeling about you. Even until now, this sight of you laying here in front of me, with your eyes locked tight, your pale skin looked radiant and this white dress, I knew you will love the lace sleeves, I still love you. Sweetheart, I knew, I would end up losing you, but not today. I knew you would finally give up on everything, but it never crossed my mind that it would be this soon. You ended up losing your grip, how could you leave me alone? Don’t you love me anymore? What would I do without you?  It felt so heavy, as if my head was 10 feet under water.

You were my friend, my best friend, my wife, my soul mate and you were my everything. There is no possible way for me to replace you in my heart my dear. There won’t be any.

 I grabbed something in my left pocket. I forced myself to take it out. -Our wedding ring. I reached for your cold hands. It was till the same, those fingers; I missed the warmness of your hands. I put the ring on your finger; a drop of crystal clear tear escaped my eyes. Bitterly, I smiled; your fingers looked perfect again.

I felt a little hand touching my palm. “Uncle Stinson, please be strong...” said Bernadette, my brother’s son.  “I love Aunt Robin a lot...” she continued. I smiled, kneeled down and I put my hands on her shoulders, I said,

“Thank you, Bernie.” I shot her with the finest, widest smile I could ever give. “I am fine, sweetheart.” I paused, searched for the strength to continue, “Yes, I love her too in fact, we all love her, right?” a tear escaped my eyes as I said that.

Yes Robin, do you hear that? We all love you.

With a kiss on your forehead, everything around me went black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


© Copyright 2020 Arabella Cynthia. All rights reserved.

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