Alice: So we’ll need sour cream, sugar, flour, graham crackers, butter, and a shitton of cream cheese…
Elliot: Okay, you do know you’ll be doing most of the work and I will be the official taste tester, yeah?
Alice: No. You are learning how to bake a cheesecake. I’m not doing all the work every time, come on, man. These are important life skills.
Elliot: How is baking cheesecake an important life skill?
Alice: Okay, let’s say you’re on a date. With a lady. And you’ve had this amazing dinner out but neither of you wants the night to end but you’re both hyper-aware of how much money neither of you youngsters have.
Alice: Just go with it, man. Pretend your Grandma is telling this story. Anyways… So you invite her back to your place for some ‘dessert’. At first, she is playfully reluctant and gives you sneaky eye, but then you assure her that it is honestly just for dessert-dessert. Like food-dessert. Out of boredom, you baked a cheesecake the other day, and you were just hoping for someone to share it with. You go back to your apartment -that you live in alone without roommates, obviously- show her the cheesecake, she’s all impressed, you eat, you flirt, you kiss, you get laid. Done and done. Now pay attention. (grabs a full box of graham crackers off the shelf)
Elliot: Fine, I’m learning. Okay so then why are you grabbing a full box of graham crackers when the recipe only calls for 16? That’s like…twice as many as we need…
Alice: Yeah, I know.
Elliot: Why don’t you just get the pre-crushed ones?
Alice: I like to crush them myself.
Elliot: Yeah, but then you have to melt all that extra butter and-
Alice: Plus (grabbing a bag of Marshmallows and a box of Hershey bars) with the extra we can have our much anticipated s’mores night. Duh.
Elliot: (face lights up) Oh my G-d you are like…the best girlfriend ever.
Alice: (pauses-beat) …what?
Elliot: What? You’re the best roommate ever…what’s your…I mean… yeah. What?
Alice: You didn’t say ‘roommate’-
Elliot: Yeah, I did, I said roommate. Roommate. You’re the best…roommate…ever. You know…ever. Just…yeah. Roommate. Best ever. You. Yeah.
Alice: That’s not what you said.
Elliot: No. Yes it is. It is what I said, that’s what I said!
Alice: You said ‘girlfriend’.
Elliot: I did not- I did not say ‘girlfriend’ I said roommate.
Alice: Elliot…I’m not your girlfriend. We’re friends. Roommates. Come on… I mean-
Elliot: You don’t even have to- I know- I didn’t even…It just…I mean… I didn’t even mean anything. I didn’t say- what I meant- which was roommate. Just…nevermind. It’s not even…nevermind.
Elliot: Okay. Great. Moving on… So… can we make a red velvet cake, too?
Alice: All that sugar is terrible for your testosterone. It’ll make you bad in bed.
Elliot: Oh? What do you care if I’m good in bed or not, roommate?
Alice: I don’t care, I’m just saying. That chick you seduce with your mad cheesecake skills might care.
Elliot: Well maybe she actually likes me for me and doesn’t care about my testosterone levels. Maybe she just wants to cuddle.
Alice: She didn’t take the blue line all the way from Foster just to cuddle and eat fattening cheesecake that she’s probably gonna force herself to throw up later.
Elliot: Oh yeah? How do you know that? She could be a nice girl!
Alice: Aw, come on, you met her at a bar, she’s probably a ho!
Elliot: Hey, now, stop insulting her, I’m sure she’s very- Wait, she doesn’t even exist!
Alice: I know she doesn’t exist, I’m just saying-
Elliot: You’re just saying you’re jealous of the fictional girl I invited back to my fictional apartment to eat my fictional cheesecake?
Alice: I did not say that.
Elliot: You. Are. Jealous. Done and done.
Alice: No, I am not. Jealous. I’m just… anyways. I’m teaching you how to make cheesecake.
Elliot: So that I can use it to lure other women back to my future apartment.
Alice: No, that’s not what I said.
Elliot: Yes, that is exactly what you said…
Alice: Well, that’s not what I meant. I just meant that like, I mean…if it ever came up… you know…you’d have some, like, sexy impressive cooking skills. Girls like that. That’s all I was trying to say.
Elliot: Oh, so I don’t already have any sexy impressive skills?
Alice: I just meant cooking-wise. Sexy, impressive cooking skills.
Elliot: Oh, so I do have sexy impressive skills, otherwise, huh?
Alice: I didn’t say-
Elliot: Like…what? The…guitar…perhaps?
Alice: Shut up, Elliot. You’re ridiculous.
Elliot: Or maybe my knife trick…hmmm?
Alice: It’s not that impressive of a trick, chill out.
Elliot: What about you, miss Alice? What are your sexy impressive skills besides bickering and grocery shopping?
Alice: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me.
Elliot: Well…hmm… none that I can think of.
Alice: Haha, very funny.
Elliot: No, I’m serious. I really can’t think of any.
Alice: Oh, come on. I’m sexy…
Elliot: Yeah, sure you are. In like a…animated Mulan kind of way…
Alice: Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean?
Elliot: You know…you’re like…one of the dudes…but like…only one guy will be okay with you when you take the disguise off. You just have to find the right guy. That’s all.
Alice: Um, thanks? Are you kidding me? Are you calling me…manly?
Elliot: No, I just meant…you know…you’re cool.
Alice: Other girls aren’t cool? Girly girls aren’t cool?
Elliot: No they are, they’re just like…sexy cool. Like they’re cool, but girly, and you wanna have sex with them.
Alice: Oh so you don’t want to have sex with me, then?
Elliot: I didn’t say that!
Alice: So you do wanna have sex with me?
Elliot: I didn’t say that either!
Alice: Well, which is it?
Elliot: I don’t know! Do you wanna have sex with me?
Alice: What?! Psh…I was…just kidding. I’ve never even thought about it.
Elliot: Oh really? You haven’t?
Alice: Well…have you ever thought about it with me?
Elliot: I never said…I mean… well… I don’t know. It’s whatever…
Alice: Have you?
Elliot: Why not? Maybe I have…what’s the big deal?
Alice: Well you did just say that there was nothing sexy about me…
Elliot: That is not at all what I said!
Alice: Yes, it is! I asked you what was a sexy impressive skill of mine and you didn’t even say anything! You just compared me to Mulan!
Elliot: No, it’s not that, I just-
Alice: At least you can play that damn guitar and you’re kinda funny and stuff…
Elliot: Thanks, but I just meant-
Alice: You think you’re the only one that can lure someone back to their home for cheesecake and sex? I have sex appeal and my cheesecake is just as sexy as yours!
Elliot: I know! I didn’t even say anything-
Alice: I know what you didn’t say, you were too busy making out with that ho!
Elliot: We didn’t even…that never even happened we just made it up! I do want to have sex with you!
Alice: (beat) What?
Alice: That time…I heard you… you said-
Elliot: I know what I said.
Alice: And you did say ‘girlfriend’ earlier. Not roommate.
Elliot: And I did say girlfriend earlier. Not roommate.
Alice: You…like me? Even though I’m just…one of the dudes?
Elliot: You’re not just one of the dudes.
Alice: Okay then…that’s good to know. And you were never really interested in that…ho…even though she was made up…?
Elliot: She was boring. She wasn’t fun to grocery shop with.
Alice: But I am?
Elliot: Yeah, you are.
Alice: So…um… we should get…a spring form pan.
Elliot: For the cheesecake?
Alice: Yeah. For the cheesecake.
Elliot: Sounds good.
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