Jess: (from offstage) What?!
Brad: Have you seen the remote?
Jess: (offstage) Yes, I have...
Brad: Where is it?
Jess: (offstage) Probably by the TV!
Brad: It’s not by the TV!
Jess: (offstage) I’m sure it’s by the TV!
Mark: (offstage) Dude, it’s totally by the TV!
Mark: (offstage) Brad?!
Brad: What are you doing here?
Mark: (offstage) I live here!
Brad: No, I meant that I thought you left already!
Mark: (offstage) I didn’t!
Brad: Yeah, I gathered that...
Mark: (offstage) The remote is by the TV where it always is, bro!
Brad: But it’s not, otherwise I would’ve found it already, tool!
Jess: (offstage) Hey, boys... stop yelling!
Brad & Mark: (start yelling obnoxiously, random sounds just to be generally awful)
Jess: (offstage) I hate our life together.
Brad: I still can’t find it!
I’ll bet you’re not even looking, you’re just standing there staring at the TV!
Brad: (this is completely true) Well, I didn’t even ask you in the first place, Mark, I asked Jess!
Mark: (enters with a backpack and water bottle- he’s on his way out) Why’d you ask Jess instead of me, I watch the most TV here, obviously.
Brad: I thought you had left already.
Mark: No, I’m leaving now.
Brad: I see that.
Mark: And the remote is still by the TV.
Brad: It is NOT by the TV!
Mark: No, it is totally by the TV, man.
Brad: Alright, well where by the TV is it, then?
Mark: (stands, stares, smiles) I’m not telling!
(runs out the door- exits)
Brad: (calling out after him) You’re a douchebag!
Mark: (from offstage) But I’m Your douchebag!
Jess: (offstage) You guys are both douchebags!
Brad: He can’t hear you anymore, Jess!
Jess: (offstage) Did you still need me?
Brad: Oh, yeah...the remote! It’s MISSING! Someone has stolen it and thereby STOLEN OUR HAPPINESS!
Jess: (offstage) It is not missing it is BY THE TV.
Brad: But I’m telling you-
(Jess finally enters)
Brad: -It is NOT by the TV. I suspect thievery.
Jess: (reaches behind the TV and pulls out the remote). And the culprit is: gravity. Always gravity.
Brad: Oh. Well okay... Hey, now that you’re here did you want to make dinner?
Jess: Did you just... I mean... was all of that just to get me in here to make you food?
Brad: No, I couldn’t find the remote.
Jess: You weren’t really looking for it.
Brad: I was, too. It’s hard to find things when they get STOLEN.
Jess: Who do you think would have stolen our remote control?
Brad: I don’t know. A burglar.
Jess: A burglar?
Brad: Yeah. We could have been burgled.
Jess: By a burglar who broke through the gate, both our locks, bypassed the alarm, didn’t take our computers, TV sets, kitchenware, furniture, electronics, or clothes- and went straight for our 10 year old tv’s remote control- only?
Brad: Yeah, that could happen.
Jess: That could not happen.
Brad: You know what else could happen?
Jess: The apocalypse?
Brad: No. Well...yes...but, NO.
Brad: Yeah, food could happen. If you made some.
Jess: Or if you made some.
Brad: I would burn it!
Jess: You could make a salad...
Brad: I would burn it!
Jess: Psh. I’m not even hungry really. I’m still a little wrecked from last night.
Brad: Oh yeah! Your first time hangin’ out with the crew! Did you have fun?
Jess: Do you guys call yourselves ‘the crew’ or is that just a douche term that only you employ?
Brad: Hey, now. “The Crew” is a thing.
Jess: I’m pretty positive it is not a thing.
Brad: You only met them all last night!
Jess: And I’m still sure it’s not a thing.
Brad: Did you...like everyone?
Jess: Yeah...everyone was real nice. It was a real swell evening.
Brad: Wait, but seriously. You like our friends?
Jess: Yeah, they were cool. Lots of cool people. It was fun.
Brad: Good. What about Rob?
Jess: What about Rob?
Brad: I mean, like...what did you think of him?
Jess: Um...he seemed okay.
Brad: Just okay?
Jess: Sure. Yeah. He seemed okay.
Brad: But I mean, like, did you like him?
Jess: Brad...why are you asking me this?
Brad: No reason.
Brad: He might’ve mentioned you... when we were talking.
Jess: Oh. Okay.
Brad: You don’t wanna know what he said?
Jess: Sure. What’d he say?
Brad: Nothing, really.
Brad: Well, not nothing...he just mentioned you were really cool and... kinda cute.
Jess: Oh. Cool.
Brad: So what do you think of him?
Jess: He’s fine.
Brad: Just fine?
Brad: Would you sleep with him?
Jess: (considers) I don’t know... I don’t really know him.
Brad: Well...what if he asked you out? Would you go out with him?
Jess: Probably, yeah.
Brad: Oh really?
Jess: Well, sure.
Brad: So you like him!
Jess: Well, I don’t really know him.
Brad: But you’d go out with him?
Jess: Yeah, so I could get to know him.
Brad: And sleep with him?
Jess: Well, I’d have to get to know him first. I’m not really in habit of sleeping with people I don’t know.
Brad: Oh, right. Well...sure.
Brad: What, what?
Jess: The way you said that...it sounded...like...
Brad: Like what?
Jess: Like you think I do have a habit of sleeping with people that I don’t know.
Brad: No, I mean... you don’t have a ‘habit’, per se...just like...I wouldn’t be surprised if you did...sleep with Rob...after only knowing him a short while. I’m just saying...
Jess: Does Rob want to sleep with me?
Brad: From what he said, yeah, that’s what I gathered.
Jess: Is that so?
Brad: You want me to give him your number?
Jess: Well, how else is he gonna ask me out...?
Brad: So you do want him to ask you out?
Jess: Well, I don’t know. Is that all?
Brad: Is what all?
Jess: He only wants to ask me out to sleep with me, nothing else?
Brad: What like are you asking if he wants a relationship with you?
Jess: Well I assume he wouldn’t exactly share that with you...
Brad: Well yeah. No. Guys don’t talk about that stuff.
Jess: Guys don’t talk about wanting relationships with their friends’ roommates?
Brad: No. They only talk about wanting to bang their friends’ roommates.
Brad: So, you gonna go? You know...now that you know...
Jess: Now that I know what?
Brad: You know...now that you know...that...Rob’s intentions...like... he only wants to sleep with you.
Jess: Correction, he might only want to sleep with me. He might want a relationship with me but you wouldn’t know because guys don’t talk about that stuff.
Brad: Well what if he only wanted to bang you. Then would you go?
Jess: Probably, yeah.
Brad: Really? Why?
Jess: Well...why not?
Brad: I mean...no,
no reason. Just... I thought you wanted a relationship.
Jess: I mean, I do...but that’s not what he wants, hypothetically, so I might as well go out with him just once, bang him, and call it a day.
Brad: But that’s so...
Jess: So, what?
Jess: So what?
Brad: No, no reason. It’s fine. You can be shallow if you want.
Brad: I mean, no...I didn’t mean like, I give you permission, or anything. I just mean...that’s your right...to be shallow...if you want.
Brad: And it’s Rob’s right too.
Brad: Both of you can bang and be shallow all you want.
Jess: Do you have a problem with this?
Brad: With what?
Jess: Me going out with Rob....and possibly banging him.
Brad: No, not at all.
Jess: (beat) I
don’t believe you.
Brad: Well...that’s fine.
Jess: Why do you have a problem with us going out?
Brad: I don’t.
Jess: Hey, you brought it up, you told me he liked me, you practically forced me to agree to go out with him and since I’m such a slut you assumed I’d bang him anyway, so what’s your problem?
Brad: I don’t have a problem!
Jess: Oh really? You don’t? My mistake.
Brad: No, seriously. I’m sorry...it’s fine. You’re right. I did tell you to go out with him...basically. You should. You should go out with him. I’ll give him your number.
Jess: Great. Thanks.
Brad: You’re welcome.
Jess: So what do you want for dinner tonight?
Brad: I dunno...I was thinking...like, something with chicken, maybe?
Jess: We had chicken last night...
Brad: Well maybe I’m fine with having chicken two nights in a row. Maybe it’s nice to have something I can count on!
Jess: What is that supposed to mean?
Brad: It doesn’t mean anything, okay. I just like chicken.
Jess: Enough to have it two nights in a row...
Jess: Alright, fine!
Brad: I mean, chicken is delicious. And maybe I didn’t like... know how much I liked it at first... but then after having it one night, I found that I wanted it the next night too. And maybe...I get a little...jealous...when someone else wants to eat my chicken.
Brad: And, I mean, what’s wrong with liking something a lot that you weren’t supposed to like that much in the first place?! Nothing. Nothing is wrong with that, and it’s just...I didn’t really think that I’d have to really compete with anyone for my chicken but now it’s like everyone wants a piece that I told them they could have but I don’t wanna share my chicken anymore! I just want it for myself.
Jess: Two nights in a row.
Jess: (beat) Okay.
Brad: (beat) Okay.
Jess: The, uh, chicken in this scenario...?
Brad: What about it?
Jess: What is it, really?
Brad: What do you mean?
Jess: I mean you weren’t seriously just talking about chicken, back there just now.
Brad: Yeah...yes...yes I was.
Jess: Really? That chicken didn’t represent anything else? Anyone else, maybe?
Jess: Okay, fine. Well... I’m gonna go...wait for Rob to call me.
Brad: You should. Go wait for Rob to call you. He’ll ask you out. You’ll say yes. You’ll go out. You’ll bang. You’ll both be shallow and whatever about it and I’ll just stay here...
Jess: Sounds like a plan.
Brad: Well, have fun.
Jess: Yeah, I’m sure I’ll have a great fucking time.
Jess: Well...if you want chicken tonight... you can make it yourself.
Brad: Well I don’t know how to cook, so maybe I’ll just make pasta.
Jess: Fine. I hope you enjoy your pasta.
Brad: Oh, I will. And I’m not sharing.
Jess: I didn’t ask you to.
Brad: Good, cause I won’t.
Jess: Great. Don’t.
Brad: Just to clarify, I want chicken, but I’m going to make pasta. Cause maybe that’s all I know how to do. But it doesn’t mean that’s what I want.
Jess: And just to clarify with you, I could make chicken for you right now, but I won’t because I’m pissed at you.
Brad: For what?!
Jess: For calling me a shallow slut!
Brad: Oh come on, that’s not even what I said.
Jess: That is literally what you said. So if you want chicken so damn bad, figure out how to make it or just go buy some or something. Or enjoy your fucking pasta while I go on my goddamn date with your goddamn friend who clearly doesn’t even have the balls enough to fucking call me like you say he will...
Brad: Well, I haven’t given him your number yet...
Jess: Oh, whatever! Go give him my goddamn number and you know what? I hope that he does call and ask me out and I hope that he takes me somewhere that serves CHICKEN. So there.
Brad: Well, good. You go get that chicken with Rob and eat it. I hope it has extra hormones in it so if the condom breaks you guys make a shallow, ugly, deformed chicken baby.
Jess: That’s really nice, Brad. Thanks. I hope that’s exactly what happens.
Brad: Good. Well, me too.
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