Who's in Control?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
a personal experience of struggling with an eating disorder

Submitted: January 31, 2011

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Submitted: January 31, 2011

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I first met her at the beginning of summer before my junior year. She introduced herself so slyly; no one will know what a hold she has on me. Her name is ana. When I close my eyes and open my mind, terrible thoughts rush in like water gushes into a sinking ship. That is what I feel like: a sinking ship. I’m slowly being weighed down until I hit the bottom when I can’t take anymore. Unfortunately, I used anorexia nervosa as my lifeline. I used fasting as a form of power and control. I made it 3 days with no food and felt better then I ever had. That rush I got after seeing the numbers 9 and 3 next to each other when I looked down at the scale under my 5”2’ frame was exhilarating and addicting. Addicting to the point that I was not in control….she was. Her name is ana. After eating even the littlest of food, no matter what kind, I felt physically sick, disgusted with myself. I’m more terrified of gaining weight than I am of death. Somehow that’s morbid to people who don’t understand anorexic ways but to me it just makes perfect sense. I hated my friends and family for caring. I hated them for interfering with me and ana. We were now best friends and perfectly content with how we lived life and we didn’t need anyone telling us anything different. My loved ones could see what a bad influence she was on me, yet I remained in denial because she told me I was ok. Her name is ana. I don’t think I will ever be able to go back to normal, when my every thought wasn’t about food, or how fat I am, or how many deep lunges I have done that day. I’ll never be able to go back to when ana was not a part of my life. At times like this I desperately wish for a rewind button so I could go back and walk past her without saying hello. Her name is ana.


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