Anger's Escape

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: August 18, 2012

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Submitted: August 18, 2012

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To think the fucked up shit this country asked any one man to do for and in the name of freedom.  No man should ever be asked to take the life of a child or woman because of what they may one day become.  It is something that no one should ever have to do.  I feel like I have been ripped apart from the inside out and all the pieces of my shrapnal are scattered in the desert sands.  Growing up being taught to be a good christian, and thou shalt not kill, and then growing up and being told to do the very one thing that your soul was trained not to ever do.

I feel torn between two beliefs, how can I call myself a christian after doing the things I've done.  At times I wish the tides were turned and I wish the bullet was mine.  Nothing I fear will ever make this feeling go away.  The pain is unbearable.  Thinking of how young they were, younger than my own children.  It scares me, people wonder why, and think that I'm weird because I tell people that you cannot tell your child you love them enough times in a day.  Love is my only safe haven at times it feels.

The feeling of a hug can calm anger and rage for me like nobody can understand.  Being sworn to never speak of the horrors because it's "Classified."  It's not in this country's best interest to know what we have had to do over there.  But a good soldier does not cry about war.  So how can I call myself a good soldier when all I feel is pain and sorrow for what I've done.  I have so much anger and rage inside of me.  I'm afraid for everyone around me at the thought of the possibility that it will all come out in an event that I'll have no control over.  To be told by someone I was learning to trust, to talk to, that by choice he would take the life of two children whom I love dearly as if they were my own.  He said he would do that not because he was ordered to, but by choice.  A choice to give him a clean escape from this home.

The fear that I was one of the people sleeping in the house when the thought of this crossed his mind.  I feel nothing but hate and pure anger against this individual.  I feel I'm being forced into a crossfire again.  The thought that I considered taking his life that night to prevent his thoughts from becoming his actions is unbearable.  I don't ever want to be put in a situation like that.

At times I feel myself reaching for my 1911 which is no longer at my side.  It scares me to think I am still capable of causing harm to another life.  A feeling that I am trying to force out of my head.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  The pain is too much to deal with.  I fear it will never go away.  Trying to keep distance between me and this person so I do not act on what has now been forced into me, an instinct.


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