Lab Rat Goblins

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Goblins used to be just annoying. Then they learned how to make bombs.

Submitted: July 02, 2014

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Submitted: July 02, 2014

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Dealing with goblins typically involves nothing more than getting help from a few friends and having lots of patience.  There will be traps, decoys and possibly a small horde of goblins to deal with.  This isn’t a problem for most people, especially when the average man is equal to ten goblins and a trained soldier is worth fifteen to twenty.  But in some places this in no longer true, and the blame falls squarely on lab rat goblins.

 

Lab rats are a new guild, barely twenty years old and started by a single goblin called Vial.  Vial is that most rare of creatures, a clever goblin.  He witnessed a wizard using powerful magic and yearned for the same power.  Vial petitioned numerous wizards to be taken on as an apprentice, but found no takers.  The wizards believed (correctly) that Vial would misuse what they taught him, and he was sent on his way.

 

Vial was not so easily dissuaded.  If wizards would not help him then he would find another way.  After much pondering, and a spot of breaking and entering, he discovered books on alchemy.  It was a second place prize, to be sure, but better than nothing, and Vial promptly stole the books.  He then took up residence in the Kingdom of the Goblins and set up a lab.

 

His first lab blew up.  So did the second, third and fourth.  Normally this would be proof of goblin stupidity, but alchemists of all races have these kinds of accidents.  Eventually Vial mastered his new trade well enough that he was a threat to someone other than himself.  From there he recruited more goblins until he founded a new guild.  To date lab rats can only be found in the Kingdom of the Goblins, where Vial leads the small guild in defending the kingdom and causing totally unnecessary property damage.  He has a dozen or so fellow alchemists and forty more goblins to gather raw materials for their bombs.  These goblins are smarter than most of their kind but no less crazy.

 

It’s easy to identify lab rats.  The entire guild wears white lab coats with large interior pockets, and many carry doctor’s bags.  The pockets and bags are filled with small explosives the goblins throw at the slightest sign of trouble.  Lab rats live by themselves inside goblin communities to limit the damage when (not if) they accidentally cause an explosion.  Their labs typically smell of strange chemicals used in making bombs and the smoke from when the bombs go off.

 

Alchemists of other races spend their time trying to transmute elements, generally making lead into gold or iron into silver.  This is a very time intensive process that uses up great piles of money and doesn’t work.  But the dream is that one day it will work, and greedy people keep paying alchemists to conduct research.  Alchemists rarely make practical things people might actually buy, and only then under the threat of bankruptcy.

 

Lab rats have no interest in transmuting elements, since like most goblins they care little for money.  They want bombs, the bigger the better.  Most bombs are small enough to throw, while others are camouflaged as buckets, water barrels and outhouses.  Lab rats don’t really care what they blow up so long as there is a constant flow of explosions.  There is a good chance their explosives will go off prematurely and hurt their makers, but lab rats consider this an acceptable tradeoff for the damage they can do.

 

These bombs worry the other races terribly.  A well-equipped lab rat goblin is a match for five to twenty enemies, a radical change in the status quo.  And lab rats seldom work alone.  Other goblin guilds seek out lab rats before they make mischief, either asking for help or dragging the lab rat along to supply them with bombs.  The goblins will then pull their prank with the lab rat providing much needed firepower.  Lab rats dragooned in this fashion make even small groups of goblins far more dangerous.

 

Worse, lab rats are still learning.  Today they can produce larger bombs capable of far greater damage.  These bombs are hard to move or conceal, but the damage they cause is astonishing.  Lab rats have recently begun making chemically generated light, instant webbing and glues to incapacitate enemies (which has proven to be a surprisingly popular gag gift).  Scholars claim this is the limit of what goblins can create, but the betting odds are they are going to get even more dangerous.

 

Lab rats can be beaten if one is careful.  It takes them a considerable amount of time to find rare ingredients for their bombs and more time to build them.  This limit how many bombs they can make and how quickly they can replace them.  There is also the issue of weight.  Goblins aren’t strong, and they can’t carry many bombs.  Once those bombs are used the lab rat is helpless.  Lastly, carrying around large quantities of unstable explosives is not a healthy thing to do.  If a lab rat is hit his explosives may go off, with potentially deadly consequences for both the lab rat and his attacker.


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