Life is never easy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
I think everyone knows this. 'Life is never easy.' We've got dramas, family problems, crises, divorcees, lots of things. Even I know this for a 15 year old girl. This is a brief glance of what I had gone through life. Though, it's not all of it. It teaches people that not only adults all have the problems which describes your behavior, teens too, have the same problems, in which most pass over as 'teen problems'. I know people go through the same pains I go through, some may have not, and some may have gone through worst. I've only been alive for 15 years and still need more to learn also experience but it's just a little bio of what I went through and got myself together and changed for the better by believing and trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ. No pains, no suffering, just peace and pure love. Jesus Christ is the only way! I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I love him with all my heart!
♥ ♥ ♥
I was overcome with a huge urge to get this down and try to tell people not to take life for advantage. It will bite you in your butt one day and it’s not going be good.

Submitted: July 06, 2010

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Submitted: July 06, 2010

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Life is never easy.

Do you ever, remember watching in a movie or even read, about after a child is born? Maybe about how the parents’ reaction to their child was. Or it death happened in the process of birth. Usually, in movies and books, parents or just the mom, would sigh in contempt of happiness for their wonderful child as well as staring with deep adoration. Or it could go bad, which would be the other way around, hatred for the child.

Guess which one was I? Well, I was the first. My parents were pretty happy for my birth as I was a miracle child to both my parents. After having my older sister, Rory Lynn, 16 years before-It was a great absence they had, wanted filled. They weren’t able to have children, due to my mom's fears of birth. She made sure she was not able to conceive again. Though, as the years carried on, regret hit my mom and in wanting a baby again. After years of trying they couldn't have kids.

Even so, with countless months of trying, they got their wishes. 5 months and a half into her pregnancy finally found out I was in her womb at the time, kicking her stomach. Many things were going on at the time and it wasn’t really considered well.

I was born on December 13 of 1994. It was the day my mom had a interview for work and was rushed from there to the hospital. I guess, she never got that job. After times and times again of asking about when I was born my mom told me, "Your Dad was happy when we had you. It had been 16 years since we had another kid. And your dad adored you. You were so special to him. He loved you so much, even your small hands."

This little part of my life in the beginning could have anyone thinking, 'That was such a nice story, that your parents finally had a child after 16 years in trying. Now they’re happy!' Well, life isn't as peachy and happy as it is. I love happy endings but from experience, I know that not all is happy.

Another pregnancy was in my household as 10 months after I was born. On October 16 of 1995, my mom conceived my younger sister, Renise.

Having a younger sister around always helped me. Though, I always had felt loneliness hanging above my head. Growing up in my household was never easy.

My parents had a problem with drugs. Gambling, alcohol, death, drugs, pain, etc. was always around.

Drugs were one of the main factors that were controlling my parents’ lives. As well as gambling to the extent that they didn't have money at all. Alcohol was also another, my dad would become so drunk he couldn't walk properly.-Death, had always been around as for people who couldn't handle those toxic drugs died, or gangs in which killed other people and debt collectors who always had a gun hung onto his waist.-Pain, of getting hurt when I didn't listen and other things or just pure emotional pain and longing for comforting parents.

Moving from house to house was getting as a routine because of my dad's gambling problem. We almost never had food, clothes that we wore, was usually torn or stained, poverty slapped us hard.

Suddenly, when both my sister and I was 5 (We are 10 months apart so we stay the same age for 2 months), on November 2 of 2000 my dad died. It hit us hard. Even with my dad's problems, I had always loved and cared for him. I was a daddy's girl, always clinging onto him even in the midst of his crazy druggy friends and all. Even if I saw them smoking it, dealing it, and abusing it, I loved him with all my heart.

The passing had formed a whole in my entire family. But the only harder thing not to remember is my dad telling us not to see him in the hospital where he had stayed for months before. At that time, he was vulnerable. He was never in his life seen as weak but as those months carried on, he was depending more and more on people, and it was hard to see him so frail. I cried and cried, it was so hard to stop. That's what I remembered clearly.

From when I saw him, it was in his hospital bed. He was looking at me with sad eyes as I cried from his bedside in the hospital. I clung onto my cousin’s hands as I cried loudly. It was heartbreaking.

So, even as that happened, life carries on.

Kindergarten was killing me, it really was. Most kids in my class loved it, loved to get to school, loved to the teacher, loved to play with friends as I, a young child found it quite annoying.

I was the outcast, the loner, the closed one. I wanted nothing to do with school even as when I was in pre-school. Too shy to say anything, I only had one friend. Her name was similar to mine as it was Tiana. We'd always play together even if it useless and then retreat after school to my grandma's office in the school, which is where she worked.

1st grade had been harsh. My mom started to not care if we went to school or not. She was stuck in her sad abyss. Once the school called her about our absences, out of fear of losing my sister and me, she pulled us back a grade.

Not only school had been going bad but also back at home. My family was ripped. Rory, one of my sisters that I looked upon as a role model slipped from my life like a paper that just fell to the ground. Renise got quieter. My mom was still in mourning. My dad's side of the family took to this as to always make it their job to always put my sister and me in misery (Counting my older cousin’s, grandma, who worked at my school, aunties’ and uncles). My mom's side of the family, I never really got to know always looked down on us in disgust. Lice, made their way into the picture. Then, Tiana, my friend, and her family as well as other friends made fun of how I looked, and how I acted. Them being the bad friends I had, had been there always to not help me, but take advantage of me. I tried to smile, though, every single hurt hit me like a blow and found myself forcing to smile.

Jumping out of that picture for about 2 months, my mom's sister took Renise and me into her home. It was fun; I was actually happy and happy to go to school. Even if my 3 cousins were annoying and had anger issues. That is, until my mom had got into an argument with my aunty about money. They were engaged in a fist fight. My mom took us back just as we were about to finish the first grade there and was about to have a party in which, I had to bake cookies for. I also had real friends who liked me for me there, but it slipped from my fingers in such little time.

2nd grade was starting up. Over time, I had gotten attached to my two grandpas’ from both my dad's side and mom's side. Still, as sad as it is, my grandpa from my dad's side pasted away on mother's day in his sleep. Just after that, my grandpa on my mom's side decides to move to San Diego with his new wife. Making a huge gloom fall over my head, I swallowed it up and forced a smile.

3rd grade, nothing really happened in that time period. But, I was always constantly teased about my weight. That year, I learned how to stand up for myself, but I still cried after the fight and during the fight.

Beginning 4th grade had been a horrid hazard. In between being bullied and teased; I never in my life hated school so much as I did. My anger issues started to get the best of me. I started to hate life and life itself. From that day forward, I told myself when I grow old enough; I'd drop out of school.

5th grade had just gotten better. I talked more casual in public and not like a scared mouse.

In 6th grade, for the first time, I had friends to play with. We usually played basketball and football after school, those three boys help me find laughter in my life. But, it formed into a crush on one of them. We knew each other since 1st grade and I got my heart broken by him. He asked if I would ask a girl out for him and it purely sucked, he even knew I had a crush on him.

7th grade dropped downhill. Friends, family and life never sucked more for me. My three boys as in friends went to different schools. My family was already broken but grew worst. Life had just sucked in general. I felt alone, sad, depressed, etc. It was the year I started punching walls under frustration, anger kissing me so hard it was hard to breath, pain, both physical and emotional, it almost killed me. Being a life hater I was in the time, I slit my wrists. All I did was think that if I killed myself, it would end my pain. "Kill yourself, jump off a cliff, stab yourself, no one loves you, so just kill yourself." It was all the whispers of Satan. Then from time to time at home and at school, I was called stupid and fat. I was an outcast who always went to the library. My mom and I were always arguing and looked like that she had enough of me. It was horrible. That was the year, I couldn't take enough of anything in my life, and I ran away from home. I glared with hatred at anyone with a smile, rolled my eyes at people who looked all together perfect, I hated all those with the family's I could never have.

Not so soon later I was found by my aunty.

My younger sister was beyond angry with me. She cried angry tears, she shoved me, slapped me, punched me and pushed me against walls. I was sad about what happened. Then we both made a deal. She begged, "Please, don't kill yourself. If you are, wait till you're 18 years old." At the time, I thought, 'Why? Why are you even sad about what happens to me? No one loves me!' How stupid, I was back then.

Growing up as the middle silent child was hard as ever. Watching your younger sister get more friends than me, texting her more, and growing more popular was hard. Not only that, both sisters, already had more birthday party's than once, while I had none.

One early morning when I was bored, I came across a stray puppy. It was a Chihuahua. Sad about her wandering, I took her in. I didn't know why I did it. Maybe it was for her large scared eyes that reflected mine, I don't know.

It was like she was my baby. She was treated like a princess with me, but she was never spoiled. Her name was Carolina. I named her after a project I had done on South Carolina and their state song was Carolina.

The protective instincts she had been incredible. If anyone ever came to harm me, she'd take them out by growling and snapping her teeth. Every night, she slept with me. I was the most happiest in my life. I found that this little dog had calmed my stress, anger and anxiety down. I loved her more than anything, I think even life itself.

Even as that happened for the key to my happiness, it didn't last long. I only had her for a year and a half. Renise's pit bull attacked my Carolina by her neck and she was badly injured. I couldn't do more than tackle my sister's dog but her teeth clung to Carolina. Not even to add to the pain, days before. Most dogs in my neighborhood was never properly trained and started to fight, I broke it up and it ended up with dog bites down my hand. At the time, I was happy for the pain. But as I broke my sister's dog away from Carolina, my hand throbbed and Carolina's neck looked horrible. We rushed her to the vet the next day but we were too late, it was a 50/50 chance of living. 3 days later she died next to my bedside. I cried more than I ever did in my life. Wrapping up her body, I set her aside as I shoveled up a hole in front of my house. It was still in the early morning, about 3 a.m. I was depressed, in deep end of depression. Renise helped as we buried her and had a little funeral.

Life had never felt so lonely right then and there. I was frozen cold, and sad. There were only sputter of words and moving on. I mourned for a long time.

It was then, when Rory made an appearance in my life again and looked like she was staying for good. It was when Renise and I were non-Christians. Rory invited us to the church she was attending for about 2 months and where she came to find Jesus Christ and was saved. She had stopped all those bad habits my dad passed down to her as in drinking alcohol and smoking weed.

In time, I really like this church. No, I loved it. It was nothing I had ever experienced. Jehovah witness, I thought, was a horrible religion. I studied it for a while but quit. Life as you know it had turned upward for me. My mom's side of the family had been nicer and we got to know better. My dad's side of the family was still kind of distant but we keep in touch, through FaceBook or we would run into each other. Then I had finally met new friends, who were the real deal. My mom and I were not fighting as much.

Though, just like the other events before, it was cut short. We stopped going to church. My family connection died, Rory was getting self-centered again, my mom and I weren’t on best terms anymore, and Renise and I were fighting more than ever.

Sadly everything fell down the drain as the blink of an eye.

5 months later, guilty about not coming to church, we went back. It was then, the connection with my Lord and God, Jesus Christ was finally made stronger than ever. I felt more at peace. Everything fell into place again as it never happened. I finally realized that God had always been trying to get my attention these past 15 years of my life. Pain is what God uses to get our attention and uses it for us to depend on him.

Me, being the sinful person I am, thought, I never needed anyone because of what I went through but all I needed was him. I never really got Christians when I went to church for the first time. But the second time I did, it was big. I felt a bond to God. He really did change my life for the better and now I am forever grateful for that because, I was of the lost but now I'm found.

My personality shines through, my love for people grew, hatred vanished, anger and hurts were forgiven, life from day to day is what I'm very very grateful for, I became more self-less, etc. but more importantly I was saved by my savior Jesus Christ.

I'm also forever grateful to my sister Renise for stopping myself from taking my life. Also, I'm forever grateful for Rory for leading me to Jesus and my mom to whom; I used to hate but also love at the same time (Now I only love my mom). My mom and sisters are in my life and talking to each other more than ever. My mom and I fixed our relationship slowly throughout the months but it was worth it. We love each other for each other. I love my life and I learned a lot from my experience but I still have a long way to go. I learned how to trust in the Lord and many others.

Life has never been easy for anyone. I bet that even other people out there share my hurts or even have greater ones. But all I say is forgive, because if you hold onto your hurts, it's not only holding you back but it's also holding you back from lots of things. If you hold onto hurts, it is the only reason why you are angry. Give it to the Lord; give everything to the Lord because losing your life to the Lord is saving your life for eternity.

Jesus Christ is the one and only way to heaven. I want to go to heaven, and want all of you to go too. Remember God will always love you no matter what. And this was one of my life lessons, finding myself with God.

People who take life for granted always kill me. So I never got why people were always picky about food because I had to eat anything to tame my starvation, people who threw out nice new clothes and more. Even with having parents who care so much about a teen or person they take it to advantage, just because they don’t get what they want from them, it’s just so self-centered. Claiming that, that the parent, just don’t know what that teen is going through. They want the best for them and they do that. I also bet they went to the same thing when they were our age, so I hate it so much when teens complain about their parents grounding them for your grades, and do what’s best for that teen. At least they CARE!

I had to always encourage myself to keep my grades up and prove people wrong that a girl who never went to school can compete with the brains in the school. When I reached 7th grade, I had a reading level of a 3rd grader. Though, I moved up in my smarts and got my reading level up to my current grade and scored 12th out of 268 kids in my school for my grades. I thought it was pretty good for me because, I was of the stupid kids in my school. I’m still trying to advance and I know my writing is still horrible but I will not take life for granted and use it up.

This is because Jesus taught me how to love and care and do stuff, I never thought, I’d be doing.

People who do take life for advantage, please don’t because, I bet you people know too, that life is never easy.

And as you know the rest is still unwritten.


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