Rage & Regret

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just a brief journal entry i decided was best shared to gives readers inspiration.

Submitted: August 22, 2011

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Submitted: August 22, 2011

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I hate what I've done to myself. I hate how I'v cut the threads of my emotions to you. Your death was tragic.....Painful. But I cannot express that pain. Though it agonizes me greatly. I remain in sheer torture and rage war upon my own mind. Falling prey to fears, weaknesses and night terrors. All because I could not bear to keep what love I had left. How stupid of me. I never should have performed such a ritual as that which i did. It killed off my most prized emotions. I spent long days pondering my mistake, And even longer nights wishing I could go back and change it. But it never truly stopped me from living, even though I did not want to any longer. I miss you. I love you. I cannot remember your smiling face as I once did. When I look at pictures I see a blur. I see a crippled feeble creature. And worst of all I see death. Written along every wrinkle, every bit of that curved grin.  And though I sense still the spirit of who was once my grandmother. I can make no clear sight of the youth filled smile that spread wide across that face with its mirthful eyes and sweet toned voice filled with comfort. I've known only pain my whole life. Only loss, and sorrow, and anger. There may have been a time when I could look into those twinkling orbs and smile as if without a care in the world, But that memory has faded, along with the rest of what you were to me. But while no one cares to hear my pleas, as i beg for mercy and understanding. I am alone. Truly now. Before all I needed was to say "Hello Grammy, Can I talk t you?" and get a warm smile and a cool glass of tea. Now when i beg for your conversation my pleas will go unheard, and unanswered. But I can never forget who you were. I Will NEVER forget where i come from or here i belong. And one day I may be in that place again, Bit tis not today. And so to conclude this entry and end all speech of it again. I say not goodbye, But See you later. My beautiful loving grandmother D. Valentine.
 


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