The Bud That Died Before Blooming

The Bud That Died Before Blooming

A/N 1: This is having the worst-est grammar possible. Actually this is a try. Trying to fit ‘into’ the mindset of a small Indian girl, who’s had no formal proper education.

Note: I even have a friend who uses almost this same type of bad English even now! Most importantly, wherever ‘I’ must come, he always uses ‘me’.

Character: Her name is pavithra (which means purity); of 13, attained puberty just 2 months before; typical middle class South Indian family, where nothing other than food, clothing and shelter is affordable; her dad provided her the basic education that he is unable to get; studying in a government school (fact: govt schools don’t provide good education, resources are less; not meant to offend). English is her 2nd language. Come, get into her mindset.

A/N 2: Though the entire thing is made of misspellings and wrong grammar, some important (significant) mistakes to understand better.

Allways, Allso – always, also.

*bare - bear

*vekkam (in Tamil)– blushing. Since she doesn’t know that word (blush), she used the Tamil word for it.

*Belief - trust.

*sigh – shy.

*brake up – break-up.

*Infachuasion – infatuation.

*Brest – breast.

*Sawing – seeing.

A/N 3: and yes, don't kill me for my title. A flower that didn't blossom is called 'bud', then what is 'bud before blooming', right?But ok, anyway I like calling it so....:-)

January 1, 2011.

Oh yay! My first entry in my journal! My dad buyed me this diary and sayed me as to get this habit. He says its a good habit! New Year new habit. Oh wow, writing in diary feel like me talk to one friend, like me had someone share all feeling. Thank you daddy. Me going to manage this from now. Me write here only anything happened importance. Now its 11.30pm. Me of to sleep.

P.S. my dear diary, English is not my 1st language, so please bare* with me whether me do any mistakes. Daddy strict said me to write in English (not in Tamil) and says it help me devlop me English.

January 11, 2011.

This not at all good day. First, me doesn’t complete the homework and was humilited before whole class as me the only one failed to do. Lunch hour, have fighting with my best friend Ashmita because of chocklate me refuse to share on her. Allmost goed up to hair pulling. Luckly other friends comed and saves the day. She goes away looking me down. Me feeling so bad. Me feeled me may shared it.

January 12, 2011.

She not speak to me yet. All my trys go in vain. Me received aprecition from my maths teacher, (who will not never prize anyone in anything) for answer a trick question, but me not in mood for celebration it.

January 17, 2011.

Nothing hapened remarkabal whole week but now me friend speak to me. Me allmost cryed hug her. Yes reunions allways fantastik. Only brake up will show how deep love is over others person. Me so excited today. My dear diary, me so happy!

January 23, 2011.

Goed to park with me friends. Have a fantastic day. One of most jolly days of my 12 year life.

February 3, 2011.

My daddy said ok’ed to my birthday party. wowwie! He no allow previas year. Me very happy. No big party, just cake and meals to friends. Anyway, me happy. Dear diary, you know that me got a super daddy.

February 4, 2011.

Me called all my friend. All comes. My dear diary, me very happy.

February 6, 2011.

Sunday. Now 6am. Me waked up. Me birthday today.

11am. Me jolly. Me daddy gived me bicycle as b’day gift, me rided it 1hr.

6pm. Haiya! Me party starting in 30mins. All my friends are here. Me will cutting cake in 10 mins.

7pm. me so happy. Important: me see one boy so beautiful. He was Ashmita’s neibor. She bring him to the party. He so beautiful. His name is Arvind.

February 7, 2011.

He speaks with me today morning on going to school. My dear diary, me think me love him. Love at 1st sight.

February 11, 2011.

Me see my prinse today. He speaks to me. He so jokeing. Me love him so much. He ask me do you like me. I say nothing, but ran away in vekkam*.

February 12, 2011.

He sees me again. He winks at me. Me so much in vekkam. He does style roatation of eye glass sawing me.

February 26, 2011.

Saturday. School leave. Me and my lover Arvind go to movie. He is so good man. My dear diary he so good man. Me so love him.

February 28, 2011.

Me sad. Very low marks in 2nd midterm test. Me fails. My daddy very angry, mummy angry. Teacher scolded me. Me sayed to Arvind he says don’t worry. And kiss me on lips. Me shocking, push him. He angry. Goed away.

March 7, 2011.

He no speak me whole week. Me crying. Me ask forgive to him but he no hearing me. Me very sad. Me sayed that to my friend Ashmita. She sayed that to forget him. No no me cannot forget.

March 12, 2011.

Me see him in we usual spot. He on his bike sitting. Me cryed he no response. Finally he sayed to kiss him. Me kiss him on cheek, he sayed to kiss on lips. Me angered again and comed house. Me sad again my dear diary.

March 13, 2011.

Me no sleep yesterday. Me no eat breakfast. Me went straight to that old building. He as usual there sits in bike with friends. After me reach his friends gone. He no saw me. He saw that side. Me go and kissed him hard on lips. He so happy and gived me kiss again. Me feeled so good. Me like for kiss. Me like kissing very much. Oh they show it in TV! That all real. Love is beutiful. Me so happy.

March 14, 2011.

After school over, me goes to that same building. We kiss 10 mins. Me come house. Me like him so much. Me want for allways with him.

March 22, 2011.

Me kissing him daily is a habit. He touch me at many body place. Me so sigh* but at the same time, me like that feeling. Yes diary, me like that feeling, but me not allow him touch.

March 23, 2011.

Me sayed that to best friend Ashmita. She scolded me. She sayed it all duplicate. She warn me she will say my parents. Me cryed she extra angry and sayed no to meet Arvind again. If me meet again, she my parents will telled and me really beated by parents. You know it diary, me daddy is angry man.

March 24, 2011.

My best friend Ashmita finded me goed to Arvind yesterday. She begs me no meeting him nomore. She sayed that is infachuasion.* Me no understand. Me duplicate promise her.

March 30, 2011.

All good going. Secret meeting him. But today he touch me my brests*. My dear diary he allso speaked some bad words angryed at me pushed his hand away out of my brest. Me can no do nothing. Me just cryed and stayed. He touch me brest for many mins. Me cry to go. Then he telled me to come again next day. Me very afraid.

April 7, 2011.

He comed to school gate and called me sawing* me. Me friend Ashmita seed this and telled me no go. Me said just two minute and go speaked. He angryed speak why me no see him one week. Me lie him homework busy. He telled me get back his bike. Me sitted. He rided me his place. Me so sorryed him and he as usual kiss me, me kiss him. He opens my school uniform and touches my bear brest. Me so fear. He sayed no problem. Not will happen wrong. Me belief him and he biting it for many mins.

April 10, 2011.

He do the same for 3 days. Today he remove my skirt and touch that place. Me struggle he like animal strongly push me hands. My dear diary, me fear him but me love him so much. Sawing TV me allways saw him as hero and me as heroine.

April 12, 2011.

He doed something to me. Me fear first. He remove me dress then he dress. He touch all me body and doed me something. Me love it. Me enjoy that. Me firstly fear but after that me enjoyed it. He my hero. Me like that. Me want it all time my dear diary.

April 13, 2011.

Me speaked to Ashmita general on love. She sayed that this age is no love, that infachuasion. She allso sayed that real love come only after 20. She sayed me still a small girl. She allso small girl, she no enjoy life. Me want do that again with Arvind my lover. Me goed and doed that. Me love it too much.

April 28, 2011.

Sorry diary, me forget you all days. Me doing same. Going to Arvind and doing that daily and coming house. No changes.

May 27, 2011.

Ashmita finds me allways going to him and sayed my parents. My daddy beated me very hardly. Me many wound. Very pained. Me cry my dear diary. No sleep come. Me daddy too sayed me infachuasion. Me no forget him me want that allways.

May 28, 2011.

Me father take me hospital and check. Me pregnant doctor said. Me so feared. Me write this sitting in waiting room. Me daddy untill speaking to doctor. Me very fear he come and will beat me. Me going to put you into my skirt pocket dear diary. Ya my pocket was big. You go into ok?

Me dad beated me and throwed me out of house. Me felled on ground. Me mom tryed for stop that. She no possible. Me write this sit in park bench slow crying. It now around 6 pm. Me will go to Arvind now. Me will live with my lover.

Me write this stand on edge of bridge. Below go the river. Very fastly. This is my last write on you dear diary. Me say you all. Me goed to Arvind. He sawing me fastly catched me and hug me tightly. Kissed me body fully as usual. Me tryed to tell him that pregnant matter. He no allow me talk. He stoped my mouth and as usual doed that. Me no enjoyed that time. Me crying all time. He no cared me. After finish he asked me what matter. Me telled him me pregnant and he shock. Me said me live with him in that old building he speak no. Me cry he irritation and push me away and sayed me no never to saw him again. Go back me home. No he no good guy. He speak bad words on me and sayed he do not know anything. He push me away and beat me on me try to catch him. He sayed he hate me do not want me. He started bike and goed away. Me very sad. Me cryed that place for many mins. Now allso me write crying this. Me no life want. Me nothing to live. Me no example to my name. Me no qualify to live over earth. Sorry daddy, sorry mummy, me failed yours belief* on me. Me no qualify to live. Me going to die and kill me baby allso. Sorry baby. Me goed to jump out off this bridge in that river. Me leaved this diary here. So anyone finded it, know me death.