Bloodshed Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic
Is it wrong for me to love her so much, I just want to have her all to myself? For me it isn't. In my perspective, it's something normal.

Submitted: January 05, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 05, 2014



Is it wrong to become so in love with someone, you want them all for yourself?

Is it wrong for me to love her, until I reach the point where I just want to keep her from harm and danger in the cruel and dark world we live? Because I would love to protect her. To keep her all to myself. Isn’t it so hard to ask?

Until you reach the point of insanity, would you still love that person?

I remembered the first time I met her. It was such a coincidence, our meeting. I guess destiny finally put me up with the right person to be with.

That day wasn’t my the most brightest of all days. Though, I never recalled any of my days being bright. All of them seemed dull, colorless and they were just regular days. Nothing ever sparked my interests, and so I began to search something new. By using the help of my best friend. The internet.

I have an account of a social-networking site for a couple of years now, though I never open it nowadays except when I’m bored and got nothing to do. That’s when I started to search for people. People I don’t know, nor never heard of. I scrolled to the many list of accounts made by other people, my chin resting on the base of my palm. I was beginning to feel bored again, and nearly clicked on the log out option for the sake of it.

Until I found her.

Her face caught my attention. I looked at her profile picture in disbelief, never thinking of someone so beautiful as her. She was perfect. Perfect hair, perfect smile, perfect body. Everything about her was perfect. And by that, I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. Which was odd, because I never felt my heart doing that sort of thing.

I saw the friend request button. Reluctantly, I dragged the mouse icon to the option and clicked on it.

Your friend request has been sent.

I smiled, but not in a way of intending to be creepy or sinister-looking. I just smiled. In a happy sort of way.

I remembered hitting the refresh button over and over, eagerly waiting for the icon to show in my inbox that she accepted my friend request. I never felt this before, not even the slightest excitement ever happened in my life. But this, this was something different. Something I have never done before.

A red notification popped up after I refreshed my home page for the umpteenth time, and I instantly clicked on my inbox. And there I found it. The notification.

Kashiwagi Yuki has accepted your friend request.

There was this ticklish feeling in my chest, a feeling that made me want to squeal for no apparent reason. That being said, I didn’t squeal or did anything in that matter. But one thing’s for sure, I was happy. I rarely have any friends online, nor in real life as well, but since she accepted my friend request, I couldn’t help but feel happy. In a way I never felt before.

Feeling a new found confidence inside of me, I started a conversation with her.

Watanabe Mayu: Hi there. Thanks for accepting my friend request! I rarely add people in this website, so I sometimes feel lonely.

The statement wasn’t a lie, though. Sometimes I feel as if I’m the only person alone in this world besides my parents who loved me dearly before they died in a car accident. Rumors spread that I killed them, which was complete bullshit. After that, everyone in school treated me like an outcast. A freak. I don’t need to pretend that I didn’t saw their glares and hear their whispers in class and in corridors. I ignored them, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get hurt by it.

After a few seconds, she replied.

Kashiwagi Yuki: Hehe, you’re welcome! Always willing to find a new friend~ Wait, you don’t have any friends in this website?

My fingertips moved across the keyboard as they tapped different words to form a reply.

Watanabe Mayu: Yeah, also in real life too. Nobody really likes me anyways.

I’m beginning to feel reluctant to type more of my personal life, even though both of us just started chatting. I feel this aura of friendliness from her replies, not the ones that are cold which were mostly from student in my school. So, I trusted my instincts. For now.

Kashiwagi Yuki: Hey, don’t say that. Maybe you just need to trust them more. I’m willing to be your first friend, if you want to.

I felt my heart skipped a beat. Did she just offered to form sort of a friendship with me? A part of me wanted to say ‘yes’, but a part of me said to not trust her words. I knew people nowadays say things that doesn’t entirely mean a thing, including making up promises as easy as breathing.

But I remembered my mother telling to trust some people. Because even though this world was crawling with cruel human beings, there are still some who does good and worth spending time with. My mother was wise, so I guess this was a chance for me to change myself.

Watanabe Mayu: I’m scared that you’ll be one of them. I don’t have a good habit of trusting people. Not to be rude, Kashiwagi-san.

A reply came moments later.

Kashiwagi Yuki: I’m not one of them, Mayu-san. I always tried to befriend with a lot of people, because I know they need a helping hand in life. So, do you want my helping hand?

Hesitance was still hovering over my chest, but it’s not as much as before. I could trust her. I could trust her words, and be friends with her. It would be a new start for me. I hated hiding under the shadows, hated being spat around by their sour words, hated being this loner. Maybe it was destiny, maybe it was fate. All I knew was I had to do something to change.

So, I typed in my reply. And hit the enter key.

Watanabe Mayu: Because I trust your words, then yes, I will hold onto your helping hand for as long as I live. :)

Kashiwagi Yuki: Yatta, I’m really happy! Thanks for trusting me, Mayu-chan ;)

Watanabe Mayu: Mayu-chan? Don’t you think we’re going a bit to fast… Yukirin?

I chuckled lightly. Flirting was a new thing for me. But I seemed to like it.

Kashiwagi Yuki: Yukirin, huh? Why do you think we’re going fast, Mayuyu?

An aura of playfulness was felt as I read her reply. Somebody call the doctor, because my heart couldn’t stop beating fast.

I leaned back against the chair, and sighed. My lips tilted into a smile.

I felt that this friendship thing is going to take awhile.


Yuki and I had this daily routine that after school, we would go online and chat with each other until the late of night. And thankfully, both of us stick to that routine every day.

And to be honest, the only thing I look forward to was chatting with her.

Every morning whenever I wake up with the sun shining over my eyes, the first thought that came to mind was her. The thought of us chatting later after school made my day quiet a bit. As the day at school went by quickly then I expected, I went straight home and log onto my computer. Sometimes, she would be the one waiting for me, getting annoyed if she waited for too long. But I knew she was just playing around.

We talked about everything. Life, hobbies, fears, dreams, hatred. Anything that we wanted to talk, we talk about it. And when we don’t want to stop talking even though we want to get something to eat, we would always switch our webcams on and do a video chat while we ate our dinner.

Our friendship continued for months now. And it’s going well.

Though, I have this undeniable feeling of love for her. Because every time I chat with her, there was sense of calmness. Like I could tell her anything, about my problems, about my dark side. She would respond with soothing, meaningful words and I would always felt touched by them. She was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. I just wanted her all to myself, in a way that I want to love her all day.

I do want to love her all day. To protect her from harm. To feel body close to mine, her lips against mine. That’s what I wanted. But, I couldn’t. We haven’t even met yet.

Until one night.

Kashiwagi Yuki: Ne Mayuyu, do you want to meet?

It was the exact moment I was drinking my milk tea, and I couldn’t stop myself from chocking on my drink. Blinking a few times at the screen, I still couldn’t believe what she typed in our conversation box. Wiping the computer screen which was slightly wet to the slight spitting of my milk tea, I rubbed my eyes to see if there was any change.

Instead, she typed in another message.

Kashiwagi Yuki: My girlfriend wants to meet you as well.

This time, I wish I was drinking my milk tea.

In that moment, I feel the heavy weight of the world crashing down on me as a struck of realization hit me. There was a sudden pain in my chest, feeling my lungs tightened from what I just read. My eyes were both wide open.

Girlfriend. She has a girlfriend.

For months, I thought I might have a shot of telling my feelings towards her. But whenever I do, I get too fucking nervous and didn’t have the guts to confess already. This is what I hate about myself. I’m easily nervous at most things that I found easy to do. Then again, confessing your love towards someone isn’t really an easy task for everyone.

But that’s not that the case. My heart was shattered at the fact that my love for her will always be one-sided, as long as she and her girlfriend continue dating in the future.

What should I reply? It’s the only thing that I’ve been arguing with myself. If I said no, she would feel disappointed. If I said yes, I have to meet her alongside with her lover. Which, in my opinion, was a bad idea.

But I don’t want to upset her. So I decided to go along what she says.

Watanabe Mayu: Sure. When and where? :)

That smile icon looked fake to me. But it worked on Yuki pretty well.

Kashiwagi Yuki: Yatta! We’ll meet at the cafe I always go to~

She gave me the directions of the place, and told me that she needs to go to sleep. After we said our goodbyes, I turned off my computer and crawl over to my bed. Feeling a heavy weight in my chest.

I couldn’t sleep that night. My mind was too busy spinning around and around. About meeting her, about meeting her girlfriend. It felt as if the world hated me. As if it doesn’t want me to feel love. As if killing my parents wasn’t enough. If it hated me, it should have just kill me a long time ago.

The urge to scream was there, nearing my throat. But I hold it. For the sake of my own sanity.

Sanity. Insanity. Two different words, both have a same impact in the human mind.

I didn’t know what was wrong with my mind. For a moment, it kept telling me to kill her girlfriend. To slowly plunge my knife into her neck, looking at her blood dripping out from the wound. To end her. To make her leave Yuki, in order for her to be mine and only mine.

It was messed up. I know.

What made it more fucked was that it helped me sleep soundly that night.


Our meeting wasn’t so bad.

The only part that made me happy was the moment when she unexpectedly gave me a bear hug while I wasn’t looking. It caught me by surprise, and was happy at first but then I saw her girlfriend next to her and the feeling faltered. Like just a glimpse of her lover can change my mood drastically.

We went into the cafe, finding a seat from Yuki’s liking and ordered our wanted meals. Half of the time, I was being awkward and shy. On the inside, I regretted my decision of planning this meet up if she was accompanied by her girlfriend.

Miyazawa Sae. It was the name of the girl sitting beside her, her short hair and boyish appearance made her look like she went straight out of a manga. That, and she fits the roll of being a yankee. But besides her appearance, she was a pretty sweet girl. Plus, she’s much older than me and Yuki, so I gotta respect her. Even though my hands are clutching tightly onto my knee-high skirt.

Put the jealousy and irritated feeling aside, and it was a nice friendly lunch. The most of all people who talked was me and Sae, due to the numerous question she asked me and I answer her with either a short, or long sentence. She’s nice and really easy to get a conversation going, a humorous person too. I could see why Yuki would date her. They look really happy together.

Thought, there was a moment where I nearly lost it. Yuki, who was really close to Sae at the point where they could feed each other their meals, unexpectedly kissed the girl beside her. Sae looked really flustered at the sudden action, and looked at the floor in embarrassment.

Coincidentally, I was holding a knife as I was cutting my hamburg. My eyes narrowed, looking at them with so much anger that my hand unconsciously increased the cutting speed on the cooked meat. The speed and intensity was too much, and I felt the knife broke through the plate.

I flinched at the breaking sound of the utensil, looking at it with so much panic and horror. Thinking fast, I took out my wallet and pulled out most of my money for the week as I saw a waiter coming up to our table. I stood up, quickly apologizing at the waiter for the accident, even though she said it was fine. I gave her the money, bowing once again and saying sorry one last time, and looked at the surprised couple.

Sae asked if I was okay, and I only nodded. Until I heard them.

The voices. They’re coming back again.

Eyes widening, I quickly ran to the bathroom after I excused myself from the table.

I barged in, my breathing rapid and heart beating at the speed of a freight train. Quickly going towards the sink, I turned on the water and washed my face with cold water. It didn’t help, the voices kept blocking my ears out from reality.

Trying to breath in slowly, and closed my eyes. Don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself. It was the past. They’re trying to come back again.

'Stop acting innocent, Mayu. You may forget, but I won't…'

I clutched my head, squeezing my eyes shut as I whispered the same words over and over again. I hear their laughter, their screams. Trying to pull into their world and drive me crazy again. But I don’t want to. I’m not crazy.

'You are crazy. Who says you aren't?'

"Please, just go away…" I said, my eyes forming tears and feeling dribbling down my cheek. It was too much. The world around was about collapse on top of me. My hand sneaked into my bag, pulling out a knife. I clutched onto it for dear life, ready for anything out of the ordinary.

'I saw what you did. You killed your parents. I remembered telling you to cross the road when their car was heading your way. Oh, I love their faces when they noticed you. You should have seen their blood, there was so much. I'm glad their car flipped and fell towards the cliff. Their lives are just too… worthless.' 

Hearing its sickening laugh, a vein popped out on my head. Tightening the grip on my knife, I swung my arm around in order to stop the voices. Its presence hovering behind me, and just in time for my arm to swung at the fucking devil himself.

"Leave me alone!"

The kinfe plunged into its skin. Feeling satisfied, I pushed the tall figure onto the floor and climbed on top of whatever he or she was. I continued to stab her with all my might, blood splattering across my face as each stab earned a scream from me. The feeling of the sharp object in my hand plunging deeply into the skin was so satisfying, I felt the stress in me fade. As if the art of killing was the only thing that calmed. 

I stopped. Because I knew it was enough.

I breathed in and out slowly, the rage fading and my hallucinations gone. I’m finally back in reality again.

Though, there was one mishap. One that made me dropped the knife in my hand. One that made my eyes widened in horror. One that made my head spin in nausea.

Underneath me was the person I stabbed. Miyazawa Sae.

I crawled away from the body, crawling as far as possible from the dead body until I felt my back hitting the cold wall behind me. My eyes was still locked onto the motionless figure of Sae. The wounds were in the most vulnerable places. The head, the neck, the chest and the stomach. Blood began to seep out from the wound, making a pool of crimson red liquid.

Calming down wasn’t an option at the moment. I looked down at my two hands, and seeing both of them covered in the same thick red substance made me even more scared of myself rather than calming the fuck down.

I was about to scream, until someone beat me to it.

I jerked my head towards the bathroom door. And expected the person what I least expected.


There was only one thing to do.

I’m going to make a break for it.


"Police are still trying to find the killer of 23 year old Miyazawa Sae, who was found dead in the bathroom of a local cafe near Akihabara-"

"-news coming from the Sakura country is a teenage girl who did a brutal murder scene in one of the popular cafes in Akihabara, Tokyo-"

"-we still don’t know who the killer might be, but police is still tracking the girl down while still gathering forensic evidence and testing them out in the lab-"

I smiled. The public is still looking for me. Good. I was in need of attention.

I looked towards Yuki. She looked so vulnerable and innocent. Though, the cuffs in her arms and legs which were chained to the wall on floor didn’t look good on her. Especially the nasty scar on her forehead, and neck. But still, she’s the Yuki I know and loved. 

She’s just not behaving well.

I knelt down beside her, settling the empty plate aside. I just finished feeding her, and it wasn’t an easy task. If you count getting spit at and earning hurtful comments while feeding her food as an easy task, then you must probably be crazy. Well, look who’s talking.

I got closer to her ear, and whispered softly into it.

"I love you. I will never let you go ‘til death do us part."

After hearing the quiet sobs of her mouth which was closed between a tight rope, I got up and walked towards the door. A smile formed across my lips.

Is it wrong to be so in love with someone, you want to keep them all to yourself?

In my perspective, it isn’t.

© Copyright 2020 Arya Machdi. All rights reserved.

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