Life isn't what I thought it should be. I was happy, but my happiness was taken away from me. It started when my father lost his job. At the start, everything was ok, but then things started changing. He started going out with his friends, getting himself drunk for the whole night. Then things got worse.... My mother tried to stop my father from drinking and I could tell from my father's eyes that he thought that my mother is trying to embarrass him in front of his friends. My mother then, sended me home and told me to sleep, but I couldn't, I knew something bad is going to happen. I was right. Half an hour later my father and my mother came home. I could hear them shouting. I came near them and watched them through my bedroom door that I left ajar. That's when I saw my father's fist go down on my mother's face... I was scared, I was a coward. My 8 year old mind cannot proccess what is happening and what I should do. So I ran back to my bed, but I guess they must have heard the noise my foot made, because the next thing I know is that my father is fisting my clothes and dragging me through the kitchen and throwed me next to my mother. He shouted to us "You are both worthless!" I wanted to cry when I heard his words, but I didn't want to show him weakness, so I held my tears.
My father was so mad, I can see the fury in his eyes. I can tell that he's about to explode, so I blocked his way when he started to go in my mother's direction, but my effort was useless, he pushed me away and my mother is getting beaten up by father.
I looked at my mother. She shooked her head at me, pleading with me not to feel anything. I felt so hopeless, I didn't know what to do, Should I or should I not help her? My mind is at war. Finally making a choice I did the only thing I could. I yelled at him, I told him to stop and it made him more angry. I saw him grabbed a knife and pointed it at me. It tooked a lot longer for my mind to adjust about what's happening. I knew that he was going to kill me, I wanted it to happen. I wanted it to come. I wanted the peace that he was offering in death, but one looked at my mother and I realized one thing. I couldn't leave her.
I was wrong about one thing, because obviously I didn't die. He just threatened me. Life can be so unfair sometimes... I keep asking myself "what have I done to deserve this?" . I really wanted to hate him for what he had done, but I couldn't and I wouldn't because I know deep inside my heart that I still love him, he is my father after all.
I've heard people say that you should never apologize for having compassion, but what is compassion without vengeance? Nothing. That's what it is.
Have you ever seen a person dying in peace? I have and let me tell you what i saw. A man dying with his face glowing and his lips smiling looking like he's having a wonderful dream. Who knew that it's possible to envy a dead person? I feel like a bad person thinking these thoughts. I though "Shouldn't I be grateful that I'm still alive?"
From those moments on the same thing happened every night and every time it happens, bit by bit I slowy died inside, until I couldn't feel anymore physical pain, but that didn't save me from the pain of seeing my mother getting hurt. Until one day, my grandmother who, lives in the States called us. She said, that she wanted my mother to take a vacation at her place and that's what my mother did. It eased my father's anger. He didn't beat me up and threatened me anymore.
I was sad that she was gone, but it's for the better. There, no one would hurt her. There, no one wouldn't mistreat her.
Months have passed and the moment I've been waiting for have arrived. My mother is going back, or she was supposed to being going back, but she didn't. She called me, her excact words are "I'm going to be staying here for a while".
I was heart broken, but my life went on without her. My father sent me to his mother's house. Everything was fine.
But then.... I was woken up at the middle of the night. When I opened my eyes. I saw my mother and she told me to pack up. I thought it was all a dream, but I went along with her and the next thing I know I'm with her in a strange country... with strange people... they were all strangers... distant cold strangers... they weren't very welcoming.
I thought everything would be fine because I'm far away from my past, but who knew that such relief can also bring you pain? That was how I saw the world... cold.... empty.... distant.....
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