Talk is Cheap with Stamatia Billis

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Stamatia Billis (pronounced Stah-may-sha) is a world renown audiographer, or "radio show host", in my brain. She talks to me when I'm sleeping, when I'm dreaming, when I'm driving, when I'm shopping for groceries. Stamatia Billis narrates my every move, only she does it with incredible style and couth. This is her most previous radio show recording.

Submitted: March 04, 2011

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Submitted: March 04, 2011

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Hello y'all, this is Talk is Cheap with Stamatia Billis. And I'm your girl, Stamatia Billis. Thanks for tunin' in bitches, as always. Now, how is you all doing? I hope you doing fine like I am. I been feelin' good lately and boys and girls do I have some advice to give you tonight! Now, lemme tell you what happened to me earlier today...

I was walking down the street on my way to work (this radio show) and I seen all these fly ass sexy mothafucka's lined up at the bus stop. And all I could think of was \"damn, these niggas all looking so studly and manly and fly, yet they bitch ass is waiting for the bus?\" Girl, please, you know I don't play with dat shit. If you wanna holla at this, you gotta have some self worth. You can't be all sexy and shit and be some broke as fool. Bitch please, you want to get with Stamatia, you gotta be driving at least a 2010 Mercedes all murdered out and shit.

Which brings me to my topic of today: sex. We all be doin it (except you nerdy ass virgins up in your mommas basement) and we all be doin it damn well, too. You know I had sex with at least 50 niggas in my day, and I ain't never once been told that I wasn't the best they ever had. I ride the dick like it's going out of style. Shit, for all I know, my pussy done launched the career of at least 5 nigga's I once fucked.

Sex, what's there to say about it that I ain't already been saying before. It's not only the most enjoyable thing in a girls day, but it's also the way a nigga stay in shape. Shit, if I'm on a dry spell and I ain't been with a man for 2 or 3 days, you better believe that my ass get fatter than the watch Usher be wearin' round his wrist.

Anyways, what better way to talk about sex than with some actual people that be having problems with it. I know that normally I be talking about shit that I do personally, but today I'm feelin' like helping some nigga's out. You got a question, call in, baby, let Stamatia Billis solve your problems. Let Stamatia Billis help your sex life. Let Stamatia Billis in your heart.

Okay, looks like we got our first caller. You on the line, baby, what's good?

Caller: \"Hi Stamatia, I just wanted to quickly say that I love your work and I tune in every night. If it weren't for you, I probably would've killed myself a long time ago. You know, sometimes I have thoughts of jumping off buildings or hanging myself or digging a razor into my wrists, but you help those thoughts all go away. Thank you, Stamatia.\"

Boy, you know this ain't the first time I been hearing some shit like this. I'm glad to help you, baby. Now, whatcha need from your girl Stamatia here?

Caller: \"Okay, well Stamatia, I'm having... complications in the bedroom. \"

What kind of problems we talking here, honey?

Caller: \"Well, my girlfriend says that she wants me to go down on her more and be more enthusiastic when I do so, but when I get down there it's just all so confusing and challenging and mysterious. One moment I'm turning her on and then the next moment she starts yelling at me, 'CHRIS! GET YOUR BITCH ASS MOUTH OFF MY FUCKING PUSSY! IF YOU AIN'T GONNA PLEASE ME THEN YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BELIEVE I'MA PLEASE MYSELF!' \"

Uh-uh, no she didn't. Chris, what the hell you be doing down there that's making your girl so upset? What's confusing you, Chris? Stamatia is here to help you out. Is you be stimulating your girl's clitoris? Chris, you know all it be is to just move yo tongue up and down and around and around in a circle on the clitoris and she will be dying with pleasure. Nigga, if you lick that pussy good, she'll stay with you forever. What's the problem, Chris?

Caller: \"I don't know, I think I'm just scared. I get down there and I just feel like I'm trying to solve some murder mystery or tune some old muscle car. I'm not a detective and I sure as hell am not a mechanic. And, Stamatia, I have been licking the clitoris. I lick the clitoris hard and good and she still gets mad. I don't know what to do...\"

Okay, well if you licking your girls clitoris and you be suckin' on her pussy with your mouth all night, and she still ain't satisfied... then nigga you need to drop that bitch. Go out and find yourself a girl that actually like to be pleasured by her man, cause from what it sounds like this bitch of yours ain't got no common sense. Ditch the girl, honey, and move on to the next. Just like I'ma do right now..

Next caller you be on the air.

Caller: \"Hey Stamatia, my name is Wendy. I'm calling out of Phillipston, North Dakota. I listen to you every night with my family and we get a kick out of your wild personality! You know, some times around the house my mom will pretend to talk like you and we'll just laugh the night away. She does a great imitation of you, Stamatia, you should hear it!\"

Ummm, you better damn believe that I ain't havin' no bitch walking around imitating me with their cracker ass family. Next!

Caller: \"Hi, Stamatia, I'll cut right to the chase- I never seem to be able to perform a blowjob correctly or for more than a few seconds without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Do you have any tips or tricks that can help me get more motivated and perhaps enable me to do a better job?\"

Okay, see now this is the type of question I've been waiting for. Of course I can help you, sweetie, don't you know who you talkin' to? This is Stamatia Billis, baby, and I'ma change your life right now.

See, what I like to do before I pull the dick out, is I like to sing a song to motivate myself. It's the same song every time, and you better believe that it works like a charm. This is my song, but I encourage your ass to create your own little jingle to get your brain in the right place. Here's how it go:

I'm gonna whip this dick out and look it in the eye bitches be hating, baby cause they know I stay fly I'm gonna spit on it a little while to get the shit lubed up Put it in my mouth a little bit and then we gonna fuck.

Sometimes after you sing that shit your man gonna look at you with them crazy eyes, but tell that nigga to prepare his bitch ass for the cock sucking of a life time. You say you having problems with givin' brain, honey? Ohhhhh, girl that's gonna change forever once you've heard Stamatia Billis' dick sucking procedure, aka the notes for giving throat.

First, you gotta unzip his pants with yo mouth and be looking at him in the eyes the whole time. Make sure if you gonna blink, you wait that shit out till when his pants be off. Ain't no nigga gonna take you seriously if you down there blinking up a seizure storm n' shit. After you done unzipped his pants, make sure you start to suck on his dick through his underwear. I know that it be tastin' like ball sweat cause he been wearin' them all day, but bitch you gotta go through some shit if you wanna get fucked.

So next, you gonna wanna whip that dick out. What I like to do is when I whip the dick out I let it smack me in the face and I act all surprised and shit like \"Damn nigga this dick is bigger than my fuckin' head!\" I mean, of course most the time I be lying, but it gets a nigga hard and that's all that matters.

Next, you gonna wanna stare at that dick like it been talking shit about yo momma. Like that dick done come and fucked up your life. Look at that nigga's dick like you ready to fight. Then, you gonna wanna start kissing and licking on the neck of the penis. Don't be going straight in for the head, because that be sending all the wrong signals. A girl that go straight for the head of the penis got no self control and is just a cheap little trick for all I know.

Anyways, start kissin' on the neck of the penis. Kiss that shit good, baby. Get the shaft all oiled and don't be afraid to let your saliva start runnin' down his balls. Let that pre-cum get all over the head while you lubricate the neck. Ain't nothin' worst than a nigga's dick that's dryer than a mothafucka. Make sure while you spitting on the neck that you be rubbing the balls with your hands. Massaging the balls is probably the most important part of the Stamatia Billis dick-sucking procedure because ain't nothing feel better to a man than having some girl gargle on his balls all night while she be rubbin' on the dick and spittin' on the shaft.

Now it's time to work your way to the head. This is a crucial part to the blowjob, so pay attention all you ladies out there. First, what you are gonna wanna do is put your mouth on the tip of the dick. Slide the penis head slightly in and out of your mouth. Suck on it softly and work the tongue in there when it's in your mouth. After about 30 seconds of this, you gonna wanna go all in. Baby it's like poker, throw all them chips on the table. Slide that dick into your throat and don't stop until your nose is pressed up against his pubes. Sure, is gonna be hard to breath for a second, but a nigga like it and that's all that matters when you tryin' to get fucked good, girl.

So, you gonna wanna continue sliding that dick in and out of your throat while you be rubbing on the shaft and gargling on the balls. These are the three important tactics, ladies. Slide, stroke, gargle. Remember these three things and you'll be good for life. Anyways, continue the three steps of cock-sucking for no more than 20 minutes. More than 20 minutes and your man is gonna think that you down to suck his dick any time he damn well wants it. Uh-uh, sista, you better believe that after a long day from work I ain't suckin' no dicks when I get home.

And besides, if you suckin' the dick right, honey, I guarantee your man won't last for more than 5 minutes. And when he finishes, please don't be pointing his dick all up in your face or anywhere near your lips. That nigga wanna shoot his spider-man web, you tell that motha fucka to shoot elsewhere. Ain't no man coming on my sexy ass face, cause nigga I got morales and I got pride. And if you ain't got pride, girl, then you might as well be pulling tricks out on the streets.

Well, that's it for me, ladies and gents. I hope that you done learned what you need to learn to spice up your sex life. Remember, if you ain't workin' hard enough to get the dick or get the pussy, then you don't deserve it. Tune it next time, people, cause the topic of discussion is gonna be \"iPhones, are they going out of style? Bitch, please..\"

Anyways, have a good night y'all. Love and laughter, bitches. Love and laughter.

Stamatia out.


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