Ode to Randomness

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just some stuff I made to cheer myself up. Nothing special, but quite amusing to the witty folk among us

Submitted: December 31, 2009

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Submitted: December 31, 2009

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  Funny Randomness

Two men stood over a body of a man they’d just pushed over the banister rail of a seven-storey staircase. They stared silently at the person they’d just squished. 

‘Well, technically it was you who tried to kill the guy.’ 

‘Me, who was talking about giving him the old one-two?’ 

‘Nobody was!’ 

‘Oh…Do you have a bin liner anywhere?’

‘Nope’

‘Damn’

‘We’ll have to get rid of him some other way. or make something up’

‘NO!’

‘Okay okay, keep your pants on, I just asked, it was an alternative theory.’

‘The last time we tried one of your alternative theories, the French Ambassador called us a very rude name’

‘I don't remember any such thing’

‘ Really? Let me refresh your memory. We attempted to persuade some French locals that a rotting body was a Guy for their bonfire’

‘I thought that particular case went rather well actually’

‘It was only once we were in the back of a police car however you realised that the French don’t celebrate Bonfire Night’ 

‘Perhaps we should be focusing on the task at hand?’

‘You only don’t want to look back on how stupid you’ve been’

‘Do me a favour?’

‘I most certainly will not!’

‘In that case just shut up, you ruined the joke anyway! You’re meant to say what, then I tell you to shut up.’

‘Fine with me’

A silence hung in the air for a few minutes. 
Then…

‘Go get some lunch?’

‘Yeah’

The two men walked out of the dead man’s house to a nearby pizzeria. They didn’t look back. They never do.




  More Randomness 

A man had been cornered by his arch nemesis. He was not in the best position to attack him either…


‘Hahaha! You’ll never escape me now!’

 ‘Well I highly doubt I will actually, considering the fact you’re dangling me over a pit of live crocodiles’

 ‘Don’t be so pessimistic dude, you’re sending out bad vibes’

‘Hey, where did that hippy come from?’

‘No idea mate. Must have come through the back door’

‘Your top secret evil lair has a back door?’

‘I’ve got to get my post from somewhere haven’t I? Not to mention the Ocado delivery that comes every week.’ 

‘So let me get this straight. You are one of the most wanted men in the country, but you have Ocado delivered to your back door?’

‘Stop making fun of me!!! You’re in for it now!’

The nemesis reached into his pocket. After extracting several strange items, including a pack of Salvanian Families, he pulled out what looked like a giant water gun, complete with strange flashing lights.

‘That is so cool.’

‘How cool will it be when it kills you?’

‘Considerably less cool. May I ask what type of gun that is, just out of interest?’

‘Oh, this one?’

The nemesis waved the water pistol.

‘Yeah’

‘Its known as a semi-fribulated monosyllabic quantum pistol 2900’

‘Sounds deadly’

‘Actually, its completely harmless. I generally buy them for my five year old nephews to play with’

He pulled another gun from his pocket. It looked identical to the previous gun.

‘This however is far more dangerous’

‘What's that one called?’

‘This, is a fully-fribulated monosyllabic quantum pistol 2900.’

‘There’s a difference?’

‘Ones fully fribulated, the others not.’

‘Oh… by the way, aren’t you meant to be killing me?’

‘Oh yeah, sorry!’

The nemesis pulled the trigger.

‘Damn’

‘What is it?’

‘I forgot to buy some fully fribulated monosyllabic quantum pistol cartridges.’

‘Bummer. Couldn’t you ask the hippy to buy some for you?’

‘He’s against violence’

‘Oh yeah’

‘I guess I am going to have to do this the hard way’

‘What's the hard way?’

‘Oh, there isn’t one, I said that for effect ‘

‘I guess you forgot cartridges for effect too huh’

‘Shut up, or no Christmas present for you.’

To those of you who don’t know, the nemesis and the man always bought each other presents. Perhaps because their mothers always taught them to be polite, even to people you don’t like. Even the nemesis had taken that to heart. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes…

‘You told me you weren’t going to send me a present because all the ones I knit you are bad’

‘I lied’

‘Well, so did I then. I despise that cookbook you bought me last Christmas!’

‘I thought you liked baking! You little…um...er…okay one moment, I need to think up a good insult.’

A long pause followed this comment.

Are you done thinking yet?

‘Almost’

Three long hours past, the poor man in the net over the crocodile pit getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

‘If I had a penny for every second you’ve been thinking, I would be able to by a Fiat 500’

‘What the hell does me thinking up insults to say to you have to do with a Fiat 500?’

‘Not a lot I guess.’ 

‘Talking about Fiat 500’s there is a garage down the road that has a sale on them’

The two men’s faces lit up.

‘Well what are we waiting for, lets go!’

The arch nemesis dashed out the back door (of course). However, he forgot that his captive could not follow, and went to buy a Fiat 500 without him. In fact, he was so excited, he didn’t even phone to ask what colour of car he should get. But inside his secret hideout chaos was ensuing…

‘Hello…anybody there?’

‘Anyone? These crocodiles are getting on my nerves here’

Suddenly, a flash of inspiration hit the captive. He called out…

‘Mr Hippy! Mr Hippy get me down.’

‘Sorry dude. I could hurt the alligators. All living things are equals. Ask them for help. See what they say.’

For hours, the hippy, several alligators and the man sat in various positions around the hideout of the nemesis. Until he came back from the garage, they were stuck there. Literally. The alligators were stuck in the pool, the man in a net above them, and the hippy had ended up sitting on a tube of super-glue, so even he was stuck. Finally, the hippy came out with something that described their predicament perfectly:

‘This is gonna be a LONG day.’


  Funny Randomness…the 3rd! 

Two completely different people, a banker and biker, are stuck in a lift. Problem? They hate each other’s guts from their schooldays. Will they find something they can bond over? Will this time to settle their differences pay off?

‘Hello there!’

(Gasp, shock horror) ‘You!!!!’

‘What, I was only trying to be friendly you know….’

‘Oh yeah, that’s what you used to say back in primary school!’

‘Huh?’

‘Remember a certain Harry Snickerton?’

‘Not unless you mean the guy at Waitrose who showed me where the jam isle was…’

‘You used to make fun of my Barbie stationary.’

The banker froze. Then said:

‘Oh…. you mean that Harry Snickerton?’

‘Uh huh’

The banker shuffled his feet. He had not been expecting this.

‘Well, um… you know, we where young back then. I was never serious.’

‘Are you saying I’m old?!?’

‘No no, course not, I just meant, you know, I was…. un-aware of how sensitive you are’

The biker pushed him up against the wall and growled:

‘Great, first you tell me I’m old, now I’m a softie’

‘Um well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that.’

‘Well, that’s what it sounds like.’

‘Excuse me, do you mind? This is a new tie after all’

‘A new tie?’

‘Yes, as a matter a fact, its one of the M&S limited edition range’

Really? You mean the one hand-made by some obscure Frenchman?’

‘That’s the one’

‘Wow’ 

The two men stand, stunned as they stare at the businessman’s tie.
Finally the banker breaks the awed silence.

‘Never thought I’d meet another tie enthusiast you know. I’ve found a fan club for my local village, but it hasn’t quite taken off.’

‘You would have thought it would have been a hit wouldn’t you? How many members, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘Oh…. one. Me’

‘Ah…I’ll join, if it’s any consolation,’

‘Thanks! I’ve been trying to get the local youths into ties, but you know, they don’t seem to be interested in anything apart from football and computers’

‘That’s the same with me. I try time and time again to get my son into ties or at least persuade him to try out my Harley Davidson, but no, he’s got to “fit in”’

‘Young people these days’

The two stand in a companionable silence, until finally, the elevator doors ping open again.

The two are about the part ways, but the banker remembers something:
‘By the way, are you near Brighton next week? Because I’ve got a meeting up there on Tuesday, maybe we can meet up for a pint or two?’

‘Yeah, sounds good, I’m up there on a run, maybe I’ll bring a few of the lads.’

‘See you then’

‘Bye’

The unlikely friends parted. They both forgot about next Tuesday, as the banker caught Swine Flu, and the biker was doing community service. So it goes.

End of Part 1.
 


© Copyright 2019 asterael. All rights reserved.

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