The Vampire and I

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic
Think you know how to spot a vampire?

Submitted: January 27, 2014

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Submitted: January 27, 2014

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I searched my makeup bag.

 

Maroon and Crimson. Fuck. I brought the wrong lipsticks.

 

I tried the lighter shade on. "Shit, this makes me look like a vampire."

 

"No, it doesn't," said the teenage boy beside me on the bus.

 

"Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" I asked.

 

"I have to, I get allergies."

 

What a shame. I bet the rest of your face is just as lovely as your eyes.

 

"I have like a life-defining job interview today, so do you swear I don't look like a vampire?"

 

"I swear."

 

How sweet.

 

"Vampires have very pale lips," he said.

 

"Uh, no, they don't. Haven't you seen Twilight?"

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

How smart.

 

"I've never seen a vampire with pale lips," I protested.

 

"That's 'cause they barely leave the house. And when they do, they make sure to cover their mouths."

 

"What else do you know about vampires?"

 

"More than you."

 

"Prove it."

 

"For starters, vampires aren't monsters."

 

"What are they, fairies?"

 

"They’re animals like humans."

 

"You mean like a similar species."

 

"And unlike what people think, they're not sensitive to sunlight. They just don't like going out."

 

"You're saying vampires are antisocial?"

 

"More like homebodies."

 

"Why?"

 

"'Cause humans are everywhere during the day and they can't stand it."

 

"What do you mean? Vampires love humans! I mean, their blood."

 

"Vampires don't drink blood. That's just a rumor they started so humans would stay away from them."

 

"What do they drink, then?"

 

"Nothing. They're self-sufficient."

 

"But they must enjoy drinking, right? I mean, Damon Salvatore loves Bourbon."

 

"Nope. Human food is fatal to vampires."

 

"Okay, so your vampires don't eat, they don't drink and they barely leave the house. What the hell do they do?"

 

"Appear in people's dreams, mostly."

 

"Right... causing nightmares."

 

"No, creating inspiration."

 

He sounded very passionate about his fan fic or whatever it is he was writing, so I kept listening.

 

"Benevolent vampires are not a bad idea. Tell me more."

 

"The thing with humans is they're very simple creatures. Without vampires guiding them, their whole race would have been extinct a long time ago."

 

"Go on."

 

"Humans were so sure blood sacrifice could prevent typhoons and earthquakes. Did you really think they discovered meteorology by themselves? Every eureka moment in history simply means a vampire has successfully planted an idea in a human brain."

 

The intensity in his voice was growing.

 

"So vampires are kinda like guardian angels?"

 

"Too cheesy, but you can say that, yeah."

 

"We have achieved a lot since ancient times, though. We don't really need guidance anymore."

 

"Humans are still primitive in many ways. They blow up buildings and trains in the name of imaginary friends. They think their skin color defines their value. And sometimes when they're sad, they even kill themselves. Humans are very weak."

 

How profound.

 

"In your version, are vampires immortal?"

 

"In my version?" He seemed insulted. I didn't know why.

 

"Y-yeah."

 

"No, they just live for much longer. They don't eat or drink anything, so they barely have any health issues. They have almost exactly the same features and about equal intelligence so there's no room for hate crime either."

 

"Gosh, I wish humans were like that."

 

He looked at me, "My stop's next. Good luck with the interview."

 

"Thanks! It was very nice talking to you."

 

He still seemed a bit annoyed. I didn't want him to leave in a bad mood.

 

"One last question."

 

"Yes?"

 

"If vampires care so much about humans, why do they avoid them?"

 

"'Cause humans smell like rotten fish to vampires."

 

"Well, can't they just like, cover their noses?"

 

"Sometimes we do," he said, then stood up and walked away.


© Copyright 2019 Ateo en la Trinchera. All rights reserved.

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