Grandma vs Me: What Is Wrong With You?

Reads: 710  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic

Want to get rid of these ads?

Just a funny story I made a couple weeks ago. I hope you all enjoy it! This has no cussing or bad language so even five year old's can read it.

One day in 2012, this old lady named Granny Johnson moved into my neighborhood. I went to visit her that day and I introduced
myself to her. She had a hard time hearing me so she kept calling me Bessie Wetwarts. (I wasn't too fond of that, but I was still trying to be nice to her.) Anyways, she "invited me inside for cookies" but when I got inside, she slapped me with a frying pan and yelled,"You can't trick me! I know you are one of those German fellers trying to take over my house but I will never surrender, NEVER!" I sat there in pain and said," What? I am not a German, I am a 14 year old boy trying to be nice to old ladies!" She had a scowl on her face and said," I may be old, but my kung fu skills are far too superior for little stupid Germans like you!" I was sitting there like I was talking to an idiot. Then she tied me to a baby chair and started doing the YMCA victory dance. It was a very embarrassing moment. I mean how in the world can visiting a sweet 80 year old grandma be embarrassing? Oh, yeah....SHE'S NOT SWEET! SHE'S A VICIOUS PREDATOR!!!!!!!!!! Anyways, I was almost killing myself trying to get out of the stupid baby chair. She stood there laughing like an old witch and was still doing the YMCA dance. Besides watching Dora The Explorer, I gotta say this was the most horrific thing I have ever seen in my whole life. I started to say," Umm....Granny-ma---" "SHUT UP, I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY DANCE YET!!" She yelled. My face turned white and I shut my mouth until her dance was over. Then she walked over to me....I said," Surely you'll let me go now, right?" She said," Guess again!!" WHOP! Another blow to my head with her famous "frying pan of death" as she called it. I was steaming mad. I was jumping up and down in the chair saying," GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???" She yelled back," DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK? HOW ABOUT I GET MY BIGGER FRYING PAN OUT??" I asked in amazement," You have a BIGGER FRYING PAN???? LET ME OUT,NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!" Well, I probably shouldn't have said that because then she got her bigger frying pan out and hit me with it as hard as she could, which was so hard that I flew out of the chair and went through the wall and landed in the bathroom, and my head got stuck in her toilet, and you are not gonna believe how long it's been since Granny-ma flushed. Oh yeah, disgusting right? Then she came in the bathroom and gave me swirlies for, eh, I don't know....maybe 4 HOURS!!! Well, when swirly time was over, she grabbed my ear and took me to her kitchen while I was hanging on saying," Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow ow, etc." Then she tied me back up in the chair, I said," Oh COME ON, GRANDMA!" She said," BE QUIET, GERMAN!" I said," I AM NOT A GERMAN! I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ACCENT!!!!" She said," It's close enough, now shut up. It's time to eat my yummy avocado delight!" I pleaded," NO! NO NO! ANYTHING BUT AVOCADO!" She did her evil witch laugh again, and THREW spoonfuls of it in my mouth. It was by far the foulest thing ever to set onto my taste buds. It was so disgusting I threw up all over the granny-ma. I said," I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" She said," THE ENEMY STRIKES BACK!!!" I yelled,"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Then I scooted over to the phone with my chair and tried the dial 911 and get this woman arrested, but I only pressed 91 then I got demolished again from the stupid frying pan. I asked," First of all, WHY WOULD YOU HIT A GERMAN WITH A FRYING PAN??" Then granny-ma said," AHA! SO, YOU ARE A GERMAN!!!" I started pouting for I knew I was never gonna get out of here and this woman keeps think I'm someone that I'm not!!! Anyways, granny-ma then grabbed me while I was still in the chair and flipped me off her head and it broke the chair in HALF! Oh well, I was happy that I never had to sit in that stupid chair again, even though I broke most of my teeth from granny-ma's powerful kung fu. I said," HAHA! NO MORE BABY CHAIR FOR JESSE! OH YEAH!" Then granny-ma said," Eh, it happens to every German kid that shows up, that's why I always keep a spare one!" Then she went and got the chair and I am not going to tell you what I said to her when she got that chair out, for it was too naughty and unnecessary. But I will tell you right after I said those words she got an even BIGGER frying pan and slammed it against my mouth to where I could never say anything again. So, there I was, with my mouth swollen shut, And granny-ma tied me up to the spare baby chair, and guess what she did? That's right! Her STUPID YMCA DANCE!!! I started to cry for I hated this game, even though it wasn't a game. But hey, I would rather choose to have war with Adolph Hitler than this old gray-headed, pan swinging, woman of doom. When her dance was over, she made me more avocado delight, gave more swirlings, and continually kept hitting me with the biggest frying pan in the world, and we did this for 30 days and guess what? I NEVER GOT OUT OF THE CHAIR! (You don't want to know how she gave me swirlies...) I even forgot how to walk because of how long I was in that chair! Well, I said," Granny-ma, if you let me go, I will never come back, BELIEVE ME!" Granny-ma thought for a moment then said," Ok, fine. Now leave before I change my ever-loving mind!" Then she untied me, and I zoomed out the door. While, I was running away. She grabbed her gun which shot more frying pans and aimed at the back of my head. Well, that woman was a good shot because it was a direct hit, sadly. Then she dragged me back inside and put me in the chair again and said," You were too slow, I changed my mind." I screamed like a 2 year old girl. Then she slapped me with the frying pan of death and gave me swirlies and made me eat avocado delight and flipped me over her head until I actually died. When I did die, Granny-ma raised her arm and talked like she was an agent but she really wasn't, she had amnesia, so, she said," General Bartholomew, my mission here is complete. Time to search for more German children." That's when poor little Tony came down the road.....


Submitted: October 02, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Atombomb98. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Facebook Comments

Other Content by Atombomb98