death conceited

Reads: 479  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 16

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

My first poem ever!!! It was originally just for the contest but I have decided to make it for everyone.

You feel proud,

You think nothing can come,

Not with the roaring crowd,

But your hands feel numb,

As the opponent steps in,

He’s tall and strong,

And he’s wearing the smuggest grin,

But you still fell that the arena is where you belong,

And you’re ready to boast,

Even if you’ll die,

The arena will probably be haunted by your ghost,

And then you feel like you’ll cry,

As he charges,

And you stand there,

And now he looks so large,

And you are so thin and fair,

Rather than his appearance of burly and tough,

And you are so small,

And he is so rough,

And so tall,

He nears,

And you raise your sword,

You fear,

And think “Help me, lord”,

But he raises it,

And lowers it,

And you can already feel the hit,

But it’s far too late,

And you can hardly wait,

And you feel the split,

Of the armor,

And you feel like a ragged farmer,

In the pain,

And you can see the blood stain,

Perhaps you are not so conceited any more.


Submitted: March 28, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Audrey Wilson. All rights reserved.

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Comments

brucek

well done! more mature than i expected. the hero dies in the end. shows depth. nice.

Wed, March 28th, 2012 8:09am

Author
Reply

Thank you. I was planning on this being just for the contest but I guess people can read it now :}

Wed, March 28th, 2012 4:38am

Jayde98

Wow that was amazing. Very descriptive. You're writing is so much more mature than I thought it would be. Well done, I'll let you know what place you come in on the 15th of April. Xx

Wed, March 28th, 2012 3:19pm

Author
Reply

Thanks. I'll be awaiting my result eagerly.

Wed, March 28th, 2012 2:05pm

Chris Gerard

Very clever, and I love the last line, even if you didn't mean it to sound as harsh as I think; it's a good twist, because everyone will be expecting the usual dollop of sympathy. You are definitely not ten! :O)

Wed, March 28th, 2012 9:31pm

Author
Reply

Thanks :) its good to have a comment from a featured writer.

Wed, March 28th, 2012 4:02pm

JiDonnelly

Wow, This has honestly blown me away.
For ten years old you're really gifted with words
I really am shocked.
The message in this again for someone your age is frightening!!
this is a beautiful piece for your first poem
I like the words you chose and how you used them
perfect ending.
All credit to you, So proud.
bless you so much, thank you for sharing!!
this is going on my reading list to recommend to others .

-JiDonnelly'

Thu, March 29th, 2012 11:13pm

Author
Reply

Thanks you so much! I didn't think my poetry was that good but I guess it's alright. I appreciate your comment and am truly grateful for your words.

Thu, March 29th, 2012 5:00pm

Gepikwhereis

Yes, agreed with others, you are gifted, and the poem was wonderful ,also, the twist at the end made it really unique.

Fri, March 30th, 2012 2:48pm

Author
Reply

Thank you. I thought the twist would make it a bit more humorous.

Fri, March 30th, 2012 2:34pm

SGBanks

Wow nice poem very descriptive keep it up :)

Sat, March 31st, 2012 12:09am

Author
Reply

Thank you will write some new poetry soon.

Fri, March 30th, 2012 7:51pm

haniya99

Wow.. Audrey! I have 2 agree with otherX, U have g0t s0me real talent.. :) Its mature and realistic, beautifuly written.. I am a fan already:D awes0me that u have depictd every detail s0 wel.. And the m0st imp0rtant thng, it screams that its written with s0me thnkng behind..
wow, keep writing br0 and kmu han:) !!

Wed, April 4th, 2012 7:46pm

Author
Reply

oh wow, thanks a lot, man! Your comment was awesome, I am so grateful you read this.

Wed, April 4th, 2012 12:48pm

Ian Dawn

I am with Ji this reaks of tallent and a mind that belies your age. I have said it before your mind is like a swirl of words that just comes natural and yoru maturity around the subject matter is quite amazing.

Mon, April 9th, 2012 11:25pm

Author
Reply

Why, thank you. And thanks a lot for reading my poetry and accepting my reading request, I'm quite grateful.

Mon, April 9th, 2012 6:08pm

MrV

You're 11?! o_O

This read like something a high school poet would write! :D Well done!

From the start your storytelling skills effectively painted in my head the image of a colosseum where warriors brawl.

Something that added more complexity to your piece was the moral of conceitedness. It was well executed how the weak fighter faced the more imposing foe and half-way through realized, "Oh, snap, I'm doomed."

You have talent.

Sun, April 15th, 2012 10:17pm

Author
Reply

Thanks, I tried to make it a bit more 'humorous' so I'm glad it's had that effect on you :P

Mon, April 16th, 2012 2:23pm

StrangeMind

Again, another amazing poem! You're really good at these, I must say! I like how all of the lines had a comma, and were joined. For me, it quickened the pace of the poem, which added to the atmosphere the words painted.
Well done! C:

Sat, April 28th, 2012 7:52am

Author
Reply

Thanks, your detail of my poem is excellent :P

Sat, April 28th, 2012 8:28am

ZaneJayxxxxxx

Awesome poem. c: :3

Sat, June 2nd, 2012 8:27pm

Author
Reply

Thanks! Nice emoticons :P

Sat, June 2nd, 2012 3:00pm

Antoine Watson I

I lovee poems that have strong messages and tells a story. And this does just that :). Modesty 2 me is the best policy. If you don't come off too cocky you'll be prepared for anything. Great poem :)

Mon, June 11th, 2012 2:57am

Author
Reply

Thanks :] If I'm in a rugby game or a judo match or really any kind of competition, I try not to be cocky but rather just prepared, and hope to win. But you can't just hope- you have to do well :P

Mon, June 11th, 2012 10:27am

MrV

I had to re-read this, I am still impressed at your gift with words.

Mon, June 18th, 2012 6:51am

Author
Reply

thanks :]

Wed, June 20th, 2012 12:41pm

Stormbird Throneshaker

Eleven huh? Are you sure you're not a hundred and elevendy year old hobbit? A poetic genius is what you are at such a young old age.

Fri, July 6th, 2012 3:54am

Author
Reply

Thanks :] I would not like to be a hobbit hobbits are too old :P

Fri, July 6th, 2012 10:14am

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