Give Me All Your Pain

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Post-natal depression. Something not really spoken about. Something most people would rather hide. This is a story of one woman who is so ashamed she would rather hide and a man who just wouldn't let go.

Submitted: October 11, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 11, 2013



"Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get."
As I read on, a tear made its way down my eyes and stained the words of my book making it hard for me to decipher them. That was when I realized that I was crying. My hand immediately flew up to my cheek to check how much damage was done. I was sobbing like a new born baby. Slowly, through my blurred vision I checked the book I was reading. I was reading Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump, the sweetest and funniest book out there. Then, why was I still crying? That question is one which I seemed to ask myself a lot then. I blinked away the tears as I looked out the window. It was raining...oh god why was it raining? I started sobbing uncontrollably again.

I tossed the book to the corner as I buried my face in my hands to cry some more. Then I heard Ana crying. Ana was the life that came out of me. I went over to her and placed her near my heart just waiting for the warmth to kick in, waiting for her to fill me with love and happiness but yet again, nothing happened. I gently placed her back into her tiny cot as she clutched my finger with her hand refusing to let go of me. She penetrated my soul with her big and beautiful eyes threatening to open up all my secrets. So much so, I was afraid. Afraid she would see all the terrible thoughts I have had of her on the worst of nights. Afraid she would find out that I was nothing more than a monster with a mask.
I tugged away harshly, leaving her crying yet again but this time I let her. I let her cry...and I left her there. After that everything became a blur. All I remember was running out of the apartment, fuelled by guilt and hatred for myself. I ran and ran, not caring for the rain and not caring for my baby.
Driving through traffic and going home late was once the worst of my worries. I still remember the day Crystal told me that she was pregnant. That glow on her face, her sudden smiles, her humming so out of tune it hurt your ears. Somehow I thought it was all permanent. At least I didn't expect it to disappear the very moment she held Ana. The glow disappearing from her face was as vivid as when it first appeared.

The first time I heard her cry was when we were asleep. She had taken to practice that we sleep with our back turned to each other. I couldn't sleep that night. I still don't know why. When I first heard the sobbing, I thought it was Ana, I realized the sobbing was getting louder. I looked around to see her body shaking uncontrollably with tears. At first, I couldn't move, I couldn't believe she was the woman who proposed to me because she thought I was taking too long, the woman who cheered me up when things didn't go well, the woman who I fell deeply and truly in love with.
I reached out for her but she seemed so far away, my hands shaking far beyond my control. By the time I mustered the courage to touch her she had already fallen asleep. Needless to say I didn't get any sleep that night.
That night I visited all the memories that I was far too scared to remember before. I recalled the evening when I opened the door without knocking. I saw her sitting opposite our baby with such a deep contempt in her eyes it scared me. It scared me so much I went out again to knock. Sure enough, she opened the door with a smile on her face. But she didn't know how well I could see through her smile, what hurt me even more was that she wanted to hide everything from me, even when she knew that I would love every side of her...even the ugliest side of her.
I was jolted out of my thoughts when I heard multiple cars honking. The traffic hadn't moved an inch. I checked my watch. It was pretty late. I convinced myself the reason I didn't want to be late was because I wanted to spend time with my family and not because I was afraid to leave Crystal alone with Ana too long. I convinced myself that my life was normal. I walked over to see what the commotion was about. But never in my wildest dreams would I have ever seen what I saw.
Crystal was sitting on the ground crying her eyes out. Her clothes was wet and stuck to her body. She was on her knees. Just looking at her made my heart ache. I have never realized what pain was till that moment. I tried to disguise the tears with the rain but Crystal wouldn't have noticed anyway. She fought away from me but I held her tight. I would never let her go. Never and she knew that because she finally gave up and dropped into my arms as I brought her back into the car. She plopped into the backseat as I started driving. I kept glancing back at her waiting for her to offer me some kind of explanation but she seemed so disassociated with reality. I couldn't reach her even if I wanted to.
When we finally reached home, I realized that no one was with Ana while Crystal was gone. I turned the door knob as quickly as I could praying that nothing happened to Ana. I let out a sigh of sheer relief as I saw her sleeping soundly. I couldn't take it anymore.
"Crystal! Why did you leave Sana alone?"
She was still in the same state as I found her. The emptiness in her eyes was the scariest thing I have ever seen. In that moment I decided if I didn't find her now she would be lost forever.
I shook her from her shoulders as she finally glanced at me.


"Why did you leave Ana alone?"


She looked as if she finally returned to reality.
"I left Ana alone?"
I left her shoulders and dropped back on the sofa. She dropped on the ground next to me with her head on my lap. I let out a sigh. It was now or never.
"Crystal... I was looking up some stuff...and I came across this thing called post-natal depression"
I felt the heat from her head lift up. She looked at me with a sudden rage which was the only emotion of hers I have seen in so long.
"Don't worry Crystal its nothing serious..."
She shot up from the ground and I followed suit.
"Post natal depression! You think I haven't looked it up? I am not like those women, I love my child!"
"I never said you didn't...I know what you are going through."
"No Shaun you don't know what I am going you know how it feels to carry so much pain around?"
"Then give it to me!'
"Give me all your pain Crystal. You don't have to carry it around alone...share it with me."
After a long time, I could see vulnerability in her eyes. I could see her letting go. I walked towards her and enclosed the frame of her face in my hands. I forced her to look into my eyes. Her eyes conveyed so many messages and this time I could decipher all of them because she let me.
I kissed her. Slowly at first and then it turned into a hungry one. I drank all her pain away as I tasted the bitter taste of sorrow on my tongue. I could feel her tears pressed against my cheek as mine was on hers. We became one again. When I finally let go of her, she looked me deep in my eyes and asked me one question.
"Why do you still love me?"
There wasn't just one answer to this question. In fact there were so many it was almost laughable. I love the way she snores in her sleep. The way she laughs at the lamest of my jokes. The way the tip of her nose becomes red when she is angry. Because I promised to.  But there was one answer that was so blatantly obvious and the only which made any sense in this situation.
"Because, I do."
With that she collapsed into my arms and sobbed. But I could make out that it was tears of joy. I blinked away my tears as I caressed her head. Everything was clear again.
"We will make it through together."
I whispered into her ears as she I felt her smiling through her tears.


And we did.



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