What In The Actual Hell?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Again, all of this is true. And no, she didn't show up Wednesday. My luck right?

Submitted: December 09, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 09, 2013



My stomach grumbled with ferocious force as my intermediate math class had just ended. I had exactly one hour to eat lunch, so I hauled major ass to student hall (where the cafeteria is). On my voyage there, I whipped out my black, torn leather wallet to find $17 dollars.

"Perfect, this could actually last me a whole three days if I used it carefully," I thought.

Money has always been an issue with my family and I, so I know I can appreciate the value of a dollar. Upon entering the sociable atmosphere of college students, I walked myself through line and bought a large $4.64 pizza. Not the greatest pizza in the world, but it was enough to fill my stomach for the day. I spotted a small little table in the middle of the hall and quietly sat myself down to enjoy my cheesy, delicious, sauce filled Italian delicacy.

"Can I sit hur?" a girl quickly asked.

My mouth was half open with the pizza almost in my mouth as I shot my eyes up to a girl looking down on me. Her eyes were a little bit far apart and she couldn't pronounce her "R's" worth a damn.

"Uh, what?" I said.

"Can I sit hur?"

I closed my mouth and nodded. She tossed her backpack and practically jumped on her chair making direct contact with me.

"Can I have lunch money?" she asked.


"Can I have lunch money?" she asked again.

I squinted my eyes, preparing myself to say, "No, bitch you can't have my fucking money. Who do you think you are? If you're going to ask for money at least be polite about it. Like what the fuck?"
But I didn't say that. I didn't say anything near that. For some reason, out of nowhere, I thought to myself, "You know, she probably needs it more than I do."

I took out $7 and handed it to her.

"Is that enough money?"

"Yes," she said as she forcefully swiped it from my hands and immediately walked off.


Around ten minutes later she showed up again holding an entire plate full of food. Crunchy chicken tenders, golden crispy fries, a large soda, and a TREMENDOUS amount of salt. I know for a fact this all costed more than seven dollars.

"You idiot," I thought. "Why the hell did you give her that money?"

My stomach was still grumbling while I stared at her as she poured mountains of salt on her fries. And I mean, mountains of SALT.


"So, what do you want to major in?" I asked.

"Nucle-uh Wee-actions and site testings," she non-chalantly said.

"Are you serious? Nuclear reactions and site testings?" I asked.

"Yeah, what about you?"

"Uh, well. I want to be a film major. I wanna make movies when I'm older, or at least work in the business of it."

"OH COOL, I love movies."

"Yeah, the ultimate goal is to get down to UT Austin and attend the film school there."

"MY daddy goes der awllll da time."


She began groping herself. I know. I couldn't believe it either. She literally started grabbing her boobs and moved them up and down and started squeezing them right in front of me. Yet, she still kept talking like nothing was happening. I didn't know if this girl was bull-shitting me, or if I was just fucking crazy and imagining all of this.

"Do you wok?" she asked.

"I'm trying to, I'm looking for a job at the moment."

"My daddy can give you a job."

"Oh yeah? What for?"

"He woks fore a pwaducing company."

My eyes beamed.

"He works for a producing company?"

"Yeah, dats why he goes down to Awsten all da time."

"He goes down to Austin for film, regarding his producing company?"


"And you're saying he can get me a job?"


"Are you serious?"


"Are you kidding?"



I took a moment to breathe and try to understand what was fully happening. Two things entered my head as this conversation happened.

One: She might possibly be mentally retarded and she could be making the whole thing up.

Two: She might possibly be mentally retarded and she is actually telling the truth.

I didn't know what to do. I just looked at the giant gap between her eyes and tried to figure the whole thing out in my head. I felt nervous, scared, stupid, and gullible all at the same time. I checked my watch and noticed my class was going to start in almost thirty minutes. I didn't have to leave just then, but I wanted to. Also I had to actually read a giant chapter for English that I know I didn't want to do later that night.

"I'm sorry, I never got your name," I said.


"I'm Austin," I stuck out my hand to shake hers.

"It was very nice meeting you Mackenzie."

"You too. Hey, do you have lunch hur Wednesday?" she asked.

"I do, why?"

"I can give you my daddy's numbah and his infomashun on Wednesday and he can tawk to you about a job. Sound good?"

She seemed dead serious.

I took another moment to pause and think for a second. I gathered my belongings and looked at Mackenzie with a stern look.

"Sounds good Mackenzie, I'll see you Wednesday."

"Okay, cool. Bye."

"Bye, Mackenzie."


To be Continued…

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