Something Unspoken

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Sometimes you find yourself helpless, nobody near you. You want to cry but your voice buries inside. You devote your whole life to your beloved but she never turns back to see whether you are alive or dead. Life becomes meaningless. Just one hope makes you alive that someday she would come and listen.....

Submitted: September 23, 2011

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Submitted: September 23, 2011

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I live in a village. I study in middle standard. I am an intelligent student. I get first division every year. Teachers like me very much. I take part in games. In my leisure time I fly kite and go to tube well with friends. I am happy with my life just like other boys of my age.

Due to some business reason I have to shift my residence to another city. I join my new school. In new school I have no friends. I feel some kind of discomfort in this alienated place. I don’t want to talk to anyone. It is tough for me to adapt in this environment. I live alone and feel lonely. Boys and girls of my age are wandering around and living happily. But I feel lonely in the crowd. I don’t want to come to this lonely planet (New School).There is no joy in my life. I want to run away from this place to my old school friends. I stand in the school gallery there are lot of people pass beside me but I feel as I am on an abandoned planet.

I am standing in the gallery holding a pillar painted black; suddenly I see three girls are coming from the corridor towards the gallery. My eyes stick on the face of the girl in the middle. She is a fair complexioned girl with two curly braids tied with red ribbons. She has black eyes, beautiful gait and a sweet smile. She has a little injury near her left eye. She is laughing while walking and I am not able to keep my eyes away from her pretty face. I move around the pillar as she moves and keep on seeing her.

I notice something special in her. I can’t forget these pretty moments. It is a strange feeling that I never felt before this time. It is the first time when I experience this kind of feeling and I am not able to recognize what it is.

Next day: I am standing there my eyes are looking for that pretty face. It is so strange that one day before I was feeling alienated and lonely there but now everything is looking beautiful and seems to be my own and personal. Perhaps, I am getting the reflection of that girl or fairy from everything. She is in my imaginations since last time when I saw her. I wait for a long time and now she is coming and having that sweet smile on her face. I notice small dimples made in her cheeks. She has a beauty mark on her left cheek. Her smile is killing me. Somehow I surrender my heart to that fairy’s child.

I am now a different person I live in my own world. I don’t feel lonely. Every moment I feel her with me. I think about her all the time and want to live alone to think and feel her and I feel good by doing this. In home all family members ask me what happen to you why you live alone and not mixing up with others. But they don’t know I am not alone someone is always with me. I am unable to hold my joy whenever I see her in real. I go to places where I saw her and imagine that she is still there even after her going.

It is becoming hard for me to not to see her as my eyes are always looking for her and get a relief after taking a glimpse of her. It is a mess if some day I am not able to see her. I am unable to tell anyone what I feel when I see her. It is so strange and sounds filmy but it is real. She comes in my dreams and I also dream about her with awakened eyes. She carries a large bag full of books. Every day when the school is over I walk some distance with my friends to see her as long as I can so that I can live on till tomorrow. It is the most difficult moment in the day when she disappears from my sight and I always feel unhappy at this killer moment.

She becomes a kind of living energy to me just as breaths; yes she is now living in my breaths, heart, eyes and in everything belongs to me. I see her everywhere in everything around me, in my dreams, songs, poetry, novels, stories and movies that I ever heard read and viewed. I see her face in every girl. Perhaps, this is love that I can’t recognize as this is happened to me first time. And I don’t know when she becomes my life. But she is unknown to this reality.

Today I and Neil a friend of mine are sitting in our class in school yard. My beloved’s class is also near my class. We are looking towards her class. Neil asks me “who you surrender your heart to?” In other words whose the girl you love? He asks me by pointing to the girls of her class one by one. My heart beats very fast at this time. I say no to everyone but when Neil points to that fair maiden, I give a positive gesture. I kept it hidden for several months. I didn’t want to tell anyone about this but I am not able to hide this anymore.

Neil tells my other friends about this. They ask me about her but till this time I just know I can’t live without her nothing more not even her name. They do this for me and get her name from her class. Her name is Silky. I am very happy by knowing her name that is as beautiful as she is. Now whenever I hear her name thousands of flowers blown in my heart. My joy has no boundary when I tell myself “Silky is mine, and she is made for me”.

There is an annual function in my school every year. I live in the school that day for the arrangements of the function for the next day. On the day of function I am waiting for Silky. I am eager to see her. Other girls are coming but Silky isn’t. I keep on seeing towards the school gate. Ultimately she comes. I am delighted to see her. She wears a black dress. I feel helpless when I see her. I want to lie in her path and surrender myself to her. I have no words to praise her, how pretty she is looking? Silky is laughing with her friends and I forget everything except seeing her. I am thinking that how difficult it would be to live even a moment without her. She takes her meal in the function, but I just keep on seeing her. I have no appetite no thirst. If something I have that is thirst of seeing her.

I study in 9th standard and Silky is in 8th standard. It is the time of examination of 8th standard. I wait for my Silky. She comes out of examination hall. I see her and think what is special in her why I think about her all the time. I feel as she is a part of me. I feel her while I breathe.

Result of examination is declared. I am in 10th standard now and Silky is in 9th. Ann is a friend of Silky. She joins Silky’s class. She plays the role of a vamp in this story. She is an anti of me. Ann notices my activities and informs Silky about my every moment.

I am in the market at a stationary shop. To my astonishment I see Silky is coming with her mother and friend Ann. She is in Pumpkin colour dress. She enters in a general store for buying some household. This is the first time when I have seen Silky outside the school. I want to see her as long as I can. She has gone but I am still seeing her there in the street.

Ann is now operating Silky according to her own wish. She provides an ugly image of me to Silky. Silky sees what Ann wants her to see. Silky starts hating me. I feel unhappy when I notice Silky’s reaction. It is a bitter moment in my life when I find who I devote my life to, hates me. I want to tell her about my love. But I am afraid that if she refuses my proposal then I would not be able to live as it is the only way I am living just by keeping her remembrance in my mind.

It is first term examination time. Silky is studying in her classroom along with Ann. The paper is about to start. I am sitting in the stairs to see Silky. Ann does not like me to see them. Both Silky and Ann go outside to study. I also go to see her. They come back again to their classroom. I also come to the stairs again. I don’t know what I am doing I just want to see my Silky as long as I can. Ann has a quarrel with me. She tells me, “Why you are following us, I will complain to the Principle for this”. I tell her, “Go and tell anybody you want”. This incident affects me deeply. I don’t care about Ann’s quarrel with me but I do care about Silky who speaks nothing but her angry expressions tell me the whole story.

I think I am inferior to Silky. Silky is intelligent, she is beautiful, she is good looking, she is fairy she has everything. But I have nothing but a heart and mind which loves Silky, thinks about Silky all the time. I am unable to live without her. I think of suicide and get some phenol tablet from the market. When my friends come to know about this they grab the tablets from me and scold me for doing this sinful act.

I want to tell Silky that I can’t either live or die without you. Everything of me belongs to you. But Silky doesn’t want to listen to me. One more painful event happens in my life. It is too painful for me. It is the first day when I drink wine. Now I drink wine frequently. I am not able to sleep without drinking wine.

It is summer time. I am standing in the sun waiting for Silky. My drinking habit is increased. I have drunk this time also. Silky comes and notices that I have drunk and waiting for her in this condition. My image becomes more hateful in Silky’s mind. I am unknown to the fact that I am somehow becoming what Ann wants to prove me before Silky.

Its afternoon, I am standing at roof. My mother comes to the roof and asks me, “Why you are standing in the sun”. I reply, “I have some important work here”. I am staring to the window of a house which is behind my home, through which I can see Silky passing through street. It takes just a fraction of time when Silky passes. But it is a dose for me to live further.

I decide that I will no longer live in this dilemma that whether Silky would say yes or no. I make a firm decision to clarify this by asking her. It is morning time I am waiting for Silky in her way to going to school. My heart is beating very fast as it is the day when my fate would be decided. It depends upon Silky’s decision whether I would live or die. I am not sure about whether Silky would listen to me or not. I see Silky is coming with her friend Ann. As I start walking toward her, Silky fears what is going to happen. She hides herself behind Ann. I tell her, “Silky please listen to me, I want to tell you something”. But Silky is running from me. I am unable to decide what to do but I don’t want to let her go without listening to me. I catch Silky’s hand and urge her again “Please listen to me Silky; I want to tell you something”. Silky say’s “I don’t want to listen anything”. In the meantime Ann argues with me “Why have you caught Silky’s hand”? I get furious I scold her and raise my hand to slap her. Silky pulls her hand and runs away.

Now for me there is darkness everywhere. I think my life is useless without Silky. What would I do with my life? My fate is decided and I know what to do further. I have just one aim now to make Silky feel that my love is true; therefore I decide to die before Silky’s eyes. I go to a pesticide store and take SANPHOS Tablets (a pesticide used to protect stored commodities from damage by insects). I am waiting for the time when I would meet my Silky. Meanwhile the issue goes to the police. I am unable to bear this uproar. Time is not passing as usual and stress is rising very high in my mind. I am unable to hold till the moment when I would be before my Silky and tell her about my love while dying.

It is 11:00 PM. I am alone in the room. I have SANPHOS tabs in my hand. My mind is crowded with the thoughts that, I am a failure, a looser and a useless person. I think that if love is a sin then I have done this sinful act. I have ruined my parent’s dignity. Everything is finished. I am failed in winning Silky’s affections. I realize Silky doesn’t even want to see me and it would be invaluable if I succeed in making Silky feel my love even by killing myself. I hope someway Silky would be informed about my death. I swallow two tabs with water. I say, “Good bye Silky, I am going far away and will never come back in your life”.

The tablets are dissolved. I feel something is burning in my chest. I am dying and Silky’s face is in my eyes. I have a strange feeling, some kind of happiness that I am going to meet my destination. I start vomiting. It seems to me as everything inside would come out of my body. A bitter smell and gas of these poisonous tabs has been spread all over the house. All family members run towards my room. I have been taken to the hospital. I am in the emergency ward. Doctor says, “There are no chances of his rescue and it is a police case and they cannot take any risk before informing to the police. At hospital bed I am murmuring Silky’s name. My aunty is near me and asking while slapping me “where is your Silky, is she near you, you know what she has given you, you are dying here and she is happy in her home”. Doctors start my treatment after taking signs on all necessary documents. It is a terrible night for my parents and relatives. Everyone is tense and fear what would happen next. I am saved after a long hard work of doctors. Doctors say, “It is rare when someone rescues in this kind of case. It is a miracle that he is alive.

Next morning: A policeman comes to me. He asks me, “What happened last night, why did you take those poisonous tabs?” I reply, “it was an accident, I was having a fever yesterday and there were some fever tabs on the shelf along with SANPHOS tabs, light was off and in the darkness I took wrong tabs by mistake.

Its evening time I am seeing through hospital gallery to people coming and going. My eyes are looking for Silky. I hope that people who love me must tell Silky about me and Silky would come to see me. I dream that I am lying on bed and Silky is sitting beside me. She is kissing my forehead and loving me. Many people come to see me, but Silky doesn’t.

I am rescued but I never recovered to good health. The poison has ruined my body and the leftover is incurable. My parents get me to several places for my treatment but nobody is able to cure me. No medicine works. Everybody tries to cure the machine but nobody knows or doesn’t want to know what the root cause of my illness is.

I notice difference in behaviour of people around me after my attempt to suicide. People are afraid of me. They talk to me in an artificial way. Everything seems to be planned. Everybody is looking at me as if I have done a crime that cannot be forgiven. I want to express my feelings but I fail to find a true friend who listens to me. I want someone to become an angel to get my love to my Silky.

My parents worry about me. They want their son to be happy again. They try their best to change my mind. They encourage me to study and succeed in life, but I am not able to study according to my potential as I have devoted whole my mind to Silky. I see Silky in books and can’t concentrate in my study. During my graduation I meet many girls but no one reaches my heart. I never feel what I felt when I saw Silky. I try to find Silky in every face. I wish I have my Silky instead of the girl I am seeing. I ask myself that what it is. Is it physical attraction or love? If it is a physical attraction then why I am dying just for Silky? Why I remember her all the time? Why I don’t allow any other girl to reside in my memory?

I live alone but I feel Silky with me. I talk to her and love her. I like to live in this state of sub consciousness. I don’t want to come out of this, as it relates to my Silky and it is only my love for Silky that makes me alive. Wherever I go I dream about her.

For my parents and relatives, Silky is just a simple girl of skin, flesh, bones and can be substituted with another one. But no one can ever understand and feel what she is meant for me. I feel everything of me belongs to her, and she is a part of me, my body, mind and soul. I can’t imagine myself without her. I feel I am nothing but Silky is everything. She is living somewhere in the core of my heart. The deepest layer of my heart, its depth can't be measured.

I never think of my life without Silky. Whenever I go to the places where I saw my Silky I want to die there. I want to go to my old friends and talk about Silky. But everyone runs from me. When I find no one to listen to me, I live alone and dream about Silky and talk to myself and Silky in my imaginations. I want to go to some place where nobody can reach and break the sequence of my thoughts. There I would remember my Silky and feel happy or cry to my own wishes.

Today, sixteen years are gone away. My friends are married and become fathers of their children and living happily in their lives. Everything is changed except me. My hair has been turned grey due to illness. But my mind is still there in the school. Every remembrance of Silky is imprinted on my mind. The intensity of my love for Silky is same as I had when I was a young boy. I have been taken to hospital for my treatment. I beseech the doctor that I would die if I can’t tell Silky about my love. The doctor consoles me by saying that you can reach her but for that you have to be healthy first. I have been treated for my illness. But the doctors fail to cure me. They don’t know that my treatment resides in Silky.

People think I am mad now. They tell me, “You are dying for a girl who never talked to you; you have no conscience about what you are doing, what you saw in her? Why you are doing these foolish activities? Whatever happens to you, you don’t care”. Everybody considers its psychiatric case; I am now out of mind. I must be taken to some psychiatrist. Everyone says, “She has ruined you”, but no one knows what she has given me, what I feel when I think about her.

I cry I am not mad. I need someone to feel my pain, my sufferings. The root cause of my grief is; I am a Romeo whose Juliet doesn’t even know how much I love her. It’s not important for anyone what happened to me. My parents want me to forget everything and live a normal life. But for me to forget Silky is as difficult as to forget breathing. How can you forget someone whom you feel while breathing? I want to let things come out and reach Silky which are buried inside me since ages. I feel suffocation when I fail to find any way to reach Silky.

On seeing back in my past I find nothing but Silky and just Silky everywhere and every time. I feel it is not possible to live any more if I can’t even tell Silky about my unspoken pain. Whenever I see myself I find I have given all my love to Silky and nothing has left.

Time passes in days, months, years but I am still there waiting for Silky. I want the time to come back so that I can correct my mistakes and win Silky’s affection. I am left lifeless joyless waiting for my beloved to listen to me. I want her to come and listen once.

I love Silky; I have devoted my whole life to her. Is it my fault?

I die just for one thing; “To make Silky feel my love, is it a crime”?

Should Silky meet me?

Should Silky listen to me?


© Copyright 2020 Autumn Leaf. All rights reserved.

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