About Love2

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
a love of a married girl towards a boy. in fact this story can be taken as the next part of the famous story, About Love, Anton Checkov.

Submitted: November 21, 2011

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Submitted: November 21, 2011

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That was the first day I saw Pavel, in our house, with my husband, he had come for a lunch. A young man, tall and lanky, with a fine face, seemed like he had just had a shave, with a pleasant smile, like its never going to end, like you forget everything when you look at it, like you never satisfy yourself seeing it, like so passionate that you want to have it than just to look at it, a charming voice and a pleasing style. There was nothing for me that I didn’t like about him. Everything was so fine that I kept looking at him until my husband disturbed me for introduction. I was so shy; a flush of blood ran throughout my body, shivering me. Every time since then he was in my mind and I was so eagerly waiting to be more close to him, to know him more. I was so deeply attracted by him. That day Pavel stayed with us the whole evening.

When all household work was finished, at night, I got sometime for myself to think of what happened that day. What were those feelings? How came I had them? Why did I feel so? Like a bird in a storm, my mind struggled through these questions to find a proper home of answer to get a shelter. After much struggle I got a reason that at least, may or may not be true, satisfied me-“It is a feel of a girl towards a boy and it’s normal”. I concluded with this.

But it was for me, that night, a long time of war, questions searching answers bombarded my heart and destroyed it emotionally till the level it could. Was that feeling of a girl towards a boy just an attraction or a love? I didn’t know that was a love or an attraction. I was more partial to the attraction, for I thought, a girl of twenty one, who had been married to a man of forty, could easily be attracted towards a handsome, fine looking ,dashing guy. There were many reasons back forcing to support it. A girl at the time of her age, when she desires to get what she wishes and has the full right to choose for herself specially the person to share herself to, had been married to the man who had never been in any sense an interest for her and this particular unfulfilled dissatisfied right, had been expressed as an attraction towards a young man of the same age.

Again, another part of my heart was attacked. Was my attraction a reasonable one? Will it be leading towards good? A strange kind of fear, regretfully, grew inside me for there could never be any justification of a married woman, with a half year child, being attracted towards another man. All these thoughts searched for their reasons, the whole night, which never existed. And I couldn’t sleep the whole night.

I could never stop myself thinking of him. I would expect him to come and I could compensate, from him, for all my missing just looking at him, talking to him, in fact being close to him. That was the only thing my heart wanted.

Every morning I woke up, my heart started its day with a hope to meet Pavel because day brings along with it all the possibilities and opportunities, but evenings don’t. So everyday when I fail in my expectations, I felt sad, but still there was a hope from a new tomorrow. That was the beginning of spring and I never met him after that first day and would always miss him, his friendly eyes, pleasing voice and mostly his pleasant smile. But different to this that I had to do, not to my interest, was not to want him, for there was no other way than this and at any time, now or in the future, all these things should end. I was married.

No matter how much one tries, it is impossible to control the heart. That day was just as the other days; I had a completely strange feeling that something special was going to happen. I was feeling so relaxed and pleasured that day without any reason. I didn’t know why. That afternoon when I was in a show, to my surprise, I saw Pavel amongst the people. I rushed to him without thinking of anything nearby. We sat side by side and most of the time during the show I looked at him, but without to his notice, and felt a great pleasure, a great satisfaction, like a thirsty traveler in a desert finds an oasis, like a burden removed from body after being carried for years, like the only happiness in the whole life, to be close to him.

We then went out into the foyer and chatted a long while. I was surprised to know that he had been at Sofniyo, a country village, where he worked all those seasons in the fields. How could a young, educated, intelligent, person like him, who already had so much experiences in the court practices, work in the fields, so restlessly. I was amazed.

The next day Pavel lunched with us then we moved to our summer villa to close it for the winter. It was, as usual, a great time being with him. He had already become so used to with us like one of our family members. My husband liked him too and would often say to me that it’s very difficult to find a person like him. In his appreciation, by anyone, I would become so happy.

He used to come to us more frequently. He used to say, if he didn’t meet us a long, he felt something most important has been missed, his happiness had been missed. And in his eyes I could read the love for me, I could feel the pain of separation with me, unexpressed. Every time when I find him in our house, or anywhere else, I would leave everything that I had been doing and just hurried to him parting everything that came in front. When I found him in the door coming inside I would rush to the living room and develop an irresistible extraordinary feeling. His eyes would reflect the striking impression of love and would tell my eyes come and hold me.

We used to have a great deal of time then. We used to talk, joke, laugh and enjoy to the level we could. I used to play for him in the piano and he used to sing for me. We used to go to the theater together and walk till home. Those were just so happy time then, only during the winter and the half of the spring. The case would be so different the whole summer or for even more.

I was unhappy and missed him all those days. Most of the time I expected him to come, though it was summer, because of some reasons, like crops having some disease so cultivation was not possible, like the land had been taken by any big company in lease for some reasons and so on. And the other times I found I find myself, in his village, with him, working in the fields. We would go to the fields and work together, I would help him and at night when he was tired I could serve him with the best and could share all his tiredness, happiness, sorrow, satisfaction and everything. Those were all the imaginations, far from the reality -the place we live in, just the ways to treat a lonely heart. I was unhappy.

I was not only occupied by these happy imaginations. I was, too, troubled, anxious and undecided about our love and our future, not just of mine and his but all of ours. What if we expressed our love? What if Pavel and I got married? What if we start a new life? I would always be filled with these fearful thoughts. And I always had an answer against my desire, against my will. There was no any way of a married woman leaving her married life and starting over a new one. What about my husband, who loves me so much, who has given me all the happiness, who has done almost everything that fulfilled my wishes and what would my mom think? What would others think, and most important what about my children? I couldn’t imagine situations to their answers just in cost of my selfishness. And it’s also true that I couldn’t be able to give Pavel happiness in his life. I might not be a perfect one for him. His life could be better if he shares it with someone more beautiful, who could be his helpmate and a good house wife and I am sure there are a lot of girls like the type.

As many times as I tried to control my heart with these reasons, I failed. The more I reasoned myself these ways, the more I became weak. I started hiding myself from the reality. The only time I became happy was then when I could meet him. And rest of the time I would be alone lost in something, some imaginations, some thoughts, some questions, some answers, I don’t know what. I had no interest in the households, in my husband and his work, or anything else.

Days, months, and years passed and I remained with the same feeling, same pain, burning inside me. I was without any fixed decision, I sometimes started feeling angry with Pavel, for he though had loved me, didn’t take any steps further, towards a future. He had also loved me, he could also have done something to get out of this dark situation, relieving me in some ways; this was the reason of my anger. But you cannot remain angry for long with the one you love. He might have thought about our situation and the consequences that the expression of our love would bring, so he hadn’t done anything, this is how I used to think to pacify myself.

I slowly started hating my life. I didn’t like anything. I just wanted myself alone thinking nothing. I was tired of thinking anything, not even Pavel or my love, for there was no ending for it. I liked silent places to sit alone every time. People used to say I turned out moody, but I didn’t care. I had grown so weak physically and mentally and more important emotionally. But none knew the reason.

My mom often visited me. But I would rarely talk to her, just she would say everything that she had to but I never took any of those. I don’t remember how many days or months or even year I remembered that way for everyday was the same for me. But one day, I remembered my husband and mom took me to the doctor and after few days of examination doctors subjected me of some mental disorder and treated for nervous prostration. No matter the types of medicines and their doses, nothing could treat me and as a result I was referred to the rehabilitation at Crimea. At the same time my husband had to settle to the western province because of the transfer and my two children were to be with him and I was to be at Crimea. We for the last tome went to our villa to bid good bye.

At the station, while I was leaving, after my husband and children, came Pavel in my compartment. He looked so listless, so helpless. His face was not glowing, as it used to, his eyes full of tears and lips trying to open to say something but couldn’t. We both had the same condition. He came to me and hugged me. My tears started rolling through my cheeks and my hands wet with tears. He kissed me, in my face, hands and shoulders.

And we, finally, confessed our love.

The train started moving and Pavel parted from me, forever. I remained in the compartment crying, crying and crying till I could…

Those days were so tough, so interesting,or anything, as one might feel.But for me, that was my first love.Now I am again with my family. It took me years to recover. And now I am fine. I am happy for Pavel, for I heard from my husband, he had married a beautiful and really a great girl. I hope he is having fine days and pray for his future. Regarding me I am living happily with my family, here at the west.


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