If I was stronger

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just something I wrote for someone, I wish I could show them this but I know I never will.

Submitted: August 22, 2011

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Submitted: August 22, 2011



Sometimes I think you should leave and never look back. If you did leave it would break my heart but sometimes I think it would be best if you weren’t here.

I’m what some people would call ‘damaged goods’ and although I know you personally don’t feel that way about me, sometimes I know my past and my problems cause us problems. I don’t mean for them to, and I honestly hate the fact that they do come between us but I can’t stop that. I’m trying my best to become okay, I’m trying my best to be better for you, but its taking its time and I’m just not there yet.

I love you and I just want you to be happy and that’s why I think you should leave, you deserve someone with less issues someone you can have fun with.

You deserve someone whose comfortable going swimming with you, not someone who is too scared to go swimming as it means wearing a swimming costume and the scars being on show.

You deserve someone who’s comfortable walking around town with you, not someone who is scared to leave the house in case she runs into her ex.

You deserve someone who’s not afraid to open up and let you in, not me who even after a year and a half is still scared to be honest with you about what I really think.

You deserve someone who you can joke around with and play fight with, not someone like me who still cowers in a corner

You deserve someone who you can be open and honest with, not someone like me; I know there are times when you’re not honest with me as you’re too scared you’ll say the wrong thing.

You deserve someone who you can just relax with and watch a movie without worrying that something in the movie will bring back horrible memories for me.

Over the last year and a half you have shown me more support and more love than I ever believed was possible. You hold me at night when I’m having nightmares, you hold my hand and make me feel safe when were in town, you restrain yourself and focus on making sure I’m okay when we run into him in town even though I know you want to rip his head off.

You’re always there for me and you never make me feel stupid when I get panic attacks or freak out over silly little things.

I know there are nights when you get no sleep as your up all night worrying about me, you miss out on things that are important to you because I’m having an ‘episode’ or a ‘break down’, you spend day after day on edge worried that I’m going to freak out, you don’t tell me everything because you don’t want to hurt me.

When it comes to abusive relationships people think of the people in the relationship but no one thinks about the people like you, the people who put the broken back together again, the people who make us feel safe enough to leave the house, the people who make you believe in love again and the people who make us believe in people again.

You’ve helped me out so much and for that I will be eternally grateful for, only now I’m not so ‘damaged’ I can see clearly what you’ve given up to help me, what you’ve sacrificed in order to make me feel better.

You are the most amazing person I have ever met; you always put others before yourself no matter how bad it’s going to leave you feeling. You would always willingly sacrifice yourself and your dreams in order to help someone else and although that’s a quality that I love in, it’s also the reason why I think you should leave.

You deserve to get your dreams, you deserve to live life to the fullest without fears or scares that you’re going to say or do the wrong thing. You deserve someone who can make you feel like you’re on top of the world.

Part of me believes that if you stay with me you won’t get all that any time soon, my problems aren’t just going to go away overnight and even with you their beside me there will always be certain things that bring it all back to me that will leave me in a mess. Granted over time the impact will get less and less but that doesn’t help our situation now.

In just under a month you’ll be starting Uni, and in just under 2 weeks we are meant to be moving in together. At the moment I’m honestly struggling to work out what the best thing for you, us, is. Part of me strongly believes that you will do a lot better in Uni without me, you won’t have all my worries and issues to deal with on top of all your Uni work as well plus, without me you’ll be able to live a Uni lifestyle as well.

If I had enough strength and enough will power then I honestly would say let’s take a break and see how it goes, but I can’t. I know it’s selfish but I can’t live without you, I need you there.

Yes I can now walk around town, but only when your there to hold my hand.

Yes I can now open up and share my true feelings, but only with you.

I’m beginning to see that I can trust people again, I can let myself move on, but the minute I’m apart from you I fall apart. I’m not strong enough yet to be okay without you, I’m not strong enough to be okay by myself, one day I will be. And then me and you can be happy and without drama. I can’t wait for that day, when I can finally show you just how much you mean to me and just how much you have helped me.

So yeah although sometimes I think you should leave for your own sake, I’m glad you never do because I love you and I need you in my life. This is one thing I will always gladly be 100% selfish over.


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