A lover's agony

Murnit

I agree with the title: agony and I feel your torment come through. Nice write
M x

Mike Stevens

Grade A!

brucek

i'm going to reserve my comments (good and bad) until you've gone back over this in detail to fix the typos. especially the first stanza, in which i'm not sure what you're trying to say because of them. i'm okay with them in prose, but not in poetry, where every tiny detail is important. sorry to be harsh.

brucek

you've a bigger vocabulary than me. that's the first time i've run into "bewraying". had to look it up. this really does show your love for her, and your pain when you're apart. more of a prose/poem i guess. but i did feel your emotions.

Insane Membrane

I am so not romantic , but could feel your pain so well done

dibbledabble

Stunning, such a depth of emotional clarity. A truely beautiful poem. you should be proud of this creation and your humanity.

Just lovely. Dare I say Shakespearean.

Peace and contentment always

Dibs

Irwinagain

Interesting work. I believe the language could benefit from a little more care but then the creativity may be hindered and that would be a shame. Lovely poem.

Wilbur

Familiar - this yes-no push-pull come hither-go away.
Yes, watch your word choices. When you are lyrical - and what I've read of yours seems to speak in that rhythm, that tone - in that way. So, to illustrate, maybe 'a heart opened wide' rather than 'agog', and 'talks endlessly' rather than 'like a stereo' (because also I didn't really understand what you meant by using that word) and perhaps 'empty' rather than devoid. Words that will slide readers along in the dance you are leading so that they do not find themselves suddenly out of step... I loved the line about knowing when the God's not in the shrine - that's a lovely line. And the sun raining - also a well-wrought visual. Be careful to mean what you say or rather to say what you mean! Check to be sure.

Kindest regards, Connie

Ellen Michelle

Great poem, I like your writing style =]

Gothikah666

Very good vent of emotions, I could tell you really do care for her. I agree with a lot of peoples comments concerning your poem and I did enjoy reading it. Keep at it -Gothikah666

Audrey Wilson

Nice, I thought it was a good read :]

GuiltyPleasure

Liked specially the part where you say,

"She talks like a stereo
but when done, i feel like losing her."

How sweetly said and rings true!!!

Aaron Pulis

Great work, Love can be frustrating and this really puts some good words to it, definitely fanning you :)

immortal

This is very good :)

L L Hope

I love it! You rock! :D

Keekee1996

I love it. Your very good :)

attanasio

I share some of my old friends thoughts here. The lower case I's and choice of words was sometimes making the read seem awkward.

However, the emotions and feel were excellent. Connie pointed out some of your best lines and Dibs was right on with his comment as well. You have the heart of a poet and thats the most important part. Watch grammar and choice of words to tell the story you have inside you. Very nice to see a talanted person putting their thoughts down.

My suggestion is write it and let it set a while then re-read as a stranger and see if any of it needs changeing to be clear and convey your message.

throb25

Love and hate. Happiness and dispear. Complete yet lonely. This has all these emotions wrapped into one. It shows the shy, young love that is still developing. Good read.. Keep it up.

moonphish

a complex and intimate relationship expressed in a lovely fashion....very eloquent in scope....

LilLoCksea

Wow,no that is a beautiful poem..If only more people would love the way you love her...maybe then this world would become of a happier place...=]*
I really loved it you have a breathtaking talent!
L.Koekemoer