We have lived bewraying and muttering,
lending hands and ear for everything
I whisper a word in her ear
the world rejoices with the smile that appears.
I know it when she is annoyed,
I know it when her heart is crying,
she might fool the world but
I know when the god's not in the shrine.
We long for each other to sing,
a song or a melody
so that in the way one could join
and make the moment worth a while.
She talks like a stereo,
but when done, i feel like losing her.
when she shows her back and walks away
i feel the sun raining its tears away.
Beside me she sits,
and then we have nothing to say
no words to console the heart that’s agog
so i let the silence talk.
Then to feel her presence and warmth
resting my hands in her arms,
we walk in the twilight with the sky,
showering its calmness with no lovelorn around.
But when it’s time to bid goodbye
i wish the sand could stay
to have her next to me,
content my life’s in the right place.
She is around, i m alive.
she’s not, i live on memories
but then i feel i own her
not seeing her makes me devoid
of my breath and love of life.
I hate and love, you ask perhaps
how that can be
well i know not
i just feel the agony…
Submitted: June 23, 2012
© Copyright 2022 Awaneesh Shukla. All rights reserved.
Comments
Grade A!
Sun, June 24th, 2012 12:25ami'm going to reserve my comments (good and bad) until you've gone back over this in detail to fix the typos. especially the first stanza, in which i'm not sure what you're trying to say because of them. i'm okay with them in prose, but not in poetry, where every tiny detail is important. sorry to be harsh.
Sun, June 24th, 2012 8:29amyou've a bigger vocabulary than me. that's the first time i've run into "bewraying". had to look it up. this really does show your love for her, and your pain when you're apart. more of a prose/poem i guess. but i did feel your emotions.
Mon, June 25th, 2012 4:11amI am so not romantic , but could feel your pain so well done
Mon, June 25th, 2012 10:23amStunning, such a depth of emotional clarity. A truely beautiful poem. you should be proud of this creation and your humanity.
Just lovely. Dare I say Shakespearean.
Peace and contentment always
Dibs
Interesting work. I believe the language could benefit from a little more care but then the creativity may be hindered and that would be a shame. Lovely poem.
Tue, June 26th, 2012 2:49pmFamiliar - this yes-no push-pull come hither-go away.
Yes, watch your word choices. When you are lyrical - and what I've read of yours seems to speak in that rhythm, that tone - in that way. So, to illustrate, maybe 'a heart opened wide' rather than 'agog', and 'talks endlessly' rather than 'like a stereo' (because also I didn't really understand what you meant by using that word) and perhaps 'empty' rather than devoid. Words that will slide readers along in the dance you are leading so that they do not find themselves suddenly out of step... I loved the line about knowing when the God's not in the shrine - that's a lovely line. And the sun raining - also a well-wrought visual. Be careful to mean what you say or rather to say what you mean! Check to be sure.
Kindest regards, Connie
Great poem, I like your writing style =]
Thu, June 28th, 2012 9:51pmVery good vent of emotions, I could tell you really do care for her. I agree with a lot of peoples comments concerning your poem and I did enjoy reading it. Keep at it -Gothikah666
Fri, June 29th, 2012 6:36pmNice, I thought it was a good read :]
Sun, July 1st, 2012 5:49pmLiked specially the part where you say,
"She talks like a stereo
but when done, i feel like losing her."
How sweetly said and rings true!!!
Great work, Love can be frustrating and this really puts some good words to it, definitely fanning you :)
Tue, July 3rd, 2012 7:47pmThis is very good :)
Wed, July 4th, 2012 3:37pmI love it! You rock! :D
Thu, July 5th, 2012 4:02amI love it. Your very good :)
Thu, July 5th, 2012 4:15amI share some of my old friends thoughts here. The lower case I's and choice of words was sometimes making the read seem awkward.
However, the emotions and feel were excellent. Connie pointed out some of your best lines and Dibs was right on with his comment as well. You have the heart of a poet and thats the most important part. Watch grammar and choice of words to tell the story you have inside you. Very nice to see a talanted person putting their thoughts down.
My suggestion is write it and let it set a while then re-read as a stranger and see if any of it needs changeing to be clear and convey your message.
Love and hate. Happiness and dispear. Complete yet lonely. This has all these emotions wrapped into one. It shows the shy, young love that is still developing. Good read.. Keep it up.
Sat, July 7th, 2012 5:20pma complex and intimate relationship expressed in a lovely fashion....very eloquent in scope....
Sun, July 8th, 2012 3:42amWow,no that is a beautiful poem..If only more people would love the way you love her...maybe then this world would become of a happier place...=]*
I really loved it you have a breathtaking talent!
L.Koekemoer
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Murnit
I agree with the title: agony and I feel your torment come through. Nice write
Sat, June 23rd, 2012 8:25pmM x
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Reply
thanks murnit!
Sat, June 23rd, 2012 9:07pm