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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fan Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Title: 'Biology.'

Other Title: N/A.

Type: Role Play (RP) Conversion.

Theme: Humour, Memory, Friendship, Voyeurism.

Series (Based on): Harry Potter.

Fandom Title (Based on): The Diary of Rachel Lockhart. (Partial)

Rating: PG-13(?) [Rating suggestions welcome.]

Writers notes: This was a RP I just found again that me and a couple of my friends worked on back in 2006. They asked me to write it out in story form, as all we have of it is its basic script form taken directly from MSN conversations.

All names, characters etc are © to their respective owners.

Submitted: March 18, 2009

A A A | A A A

Submitted: March 18, 2009



Part 1

The great hall. Nothing but stone, candles and the faint smell of food from the evening meal.
The students had long since retired to their dorms, yet there were a few who could be found still wandering, even though it was against the rules.

Seeing teachers wandering around was commonplace though and one of the aforementioned was Professor Gilderoy Lockhart. He was circling the great hall with a confused look spread across his usually bright and cheery face.

A girl had joined him in an attempt to try and calm him down, as he was getting quite flustered. She had been talking to him, trying to keep his mind occupied so that he could stop his flustering. She had been telling him about one of her old friends and how they first met, it seemed like a good distraction.

"I'm actually kinda tempted to find Zar now, but he's a complete brat!"

Gilderoy beamed at her statement and laughed. (At last, maybe this was a break through.)

"Would I be able to handle him?"

The girl smiled to herself and tilted her head.

"Probably, actually. Just stab him or something."

Her unusual wit caused him to burst into yet another fit of laughter and when he had finally finished laughing, she began to elaborate on the details of her friend.

"He was a Slytherin, but you could have probably guessed that anyway. He had fiery red hair and a temper to match. He also had emerald green almost snake-like eyes. So, er, yeah. Easy to spot in a crowd."

The professor, although interested by what she had to say, had remembered his situation and was battling to keep his attention on her and her story. He brushed a hand through his hair nervously and cleared his throat.


"I met him about 3 years ago. He was 14 or 15 or something, so he'd be like... 17 or 18 now. He's old. Haha!"

Gilderoy smiled again. If only he could pay attention, maybe he would be able to figure out what was going on. Maybe she would say something that might shed some light on the matter.

"Oh. I remember one thing about him though..."

"Hm? Sorry, what?"

"About my friend, Zar."

"Whats that my dear?"

"He was utter CRAP at magic. He turned himself into a fairy once."

Yet again, he burst out laughing. He hadn't laughed this much in ages. Perhaps it was nerves causing him to find everything so hysterical.

There was a pause. The only sound was the wind howling outside the big glass windows and the faint rustling noise made by the vast amount of candles.

The pause was not doing Gilderoy any good. The more time spent silent, the more his mind contemplated his problem. His eyes seemed to glaze over as all sorts of things swirled around inside his head.
The girl noticed the sudden change in his stature and was suddenly concerned. After all, what on earth WAS he doing in the great hall? and at this hour too!

"A-are you ok? You look terrible."

He blinked to himself a few times before raising his head to look her square in the face.

"I-I'm not sure. I just can't for the life of me remember what I was doing..."

The girl slapped a hand to her forehead. She knew what was wrong now.

"Uh oh."

"Oh I say, what is this?"

He had noticed his sword sheathed by his side and set about looking at it. He slowly unsheathed it revealing its sparkling glory. It was beautiful, ornate and very deadly. But, the worst part was the fact that he kept on referring to it as a 'stick'.
He flailed it around a bit, stabbing it about.

"Weee! Wow, this is fun! What is it?"

The girl dodged and dived out of the way of his frantic sword-flailery and coughed nervously.

"Isn't that a sword", she asked in a sarcastic manner.

Still grinning at his latest discovery, he smiled up at her innocently.

"I don't know. Is it?"

He waved it once more, but caught his arm in the process.

"Ow! I believe you are right..."

Attempting to hide her giggles, the girl turned her face away and covered her mouth with her hand.
Gilderoy sheathed his sword once more and stood with his hands on his hips.

"So... Whats your name then, Missy? And would you be a dear and tell me what mine is? Also, would you tell me what that is? And that. And that too!"

He was so eager to find out that his arms were a blur of pointing fingers.

"Moi? Oh, I have a ton of nicknames and aliases, but just call me Rhona. You are Gilderoy Lockhart."

There was another pause in which he gave Rhona a confused stare.

"And... What might I do? Am I a cleaner? Or a grounds keeper perhaps?"

"Err, sure! Why not? If you wanna be?"

"Oh jolly good! Where is my broom and rake?"

Rhona smirked to herself as the confused professor set about searching for the nearest broom. Her smile soon faded as he came across the Nimbus lying beside a table.

"Aha! A broom", he chirped as he picked it up, "Off to wor... AIIIEEE!"

He was vaulted into the air and jetted across the room in all directions. He was clinging on for dear life, dangling from the end by his fingertips.
Rhona shook her head and sighed. This wasn't good.

"YOU FIEND", he hollered from up in the rafters, "I'm no caretaker! I can't even take care of myself!"

He flailed his legs around a bit in anger, which made the broom sway around unsteadily.


She did as she was told and helped him down and also set about explaining who he was while she was doing so.

"I was kidding you know. You're not a cleaner, nor are you a grounds keeper."

"State the obvious why don't you", he sighed as he brushed himself down.

"You're actually an honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League and also five-time winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award."

He was still brushing himself down due to the vast amounts of cobwebs he had flown through when she reeled off the list and it caused him to raise his head rather suddenly. His mind mulled it over and a smug smile crawled across his face.


Rhona nodded and watched him as he walked around her grinning to himself.

"I have a charming smile?"

"Most people seem to think so, yes."

He stopped, grinned and started circling her again.

"So, what do I do in the Dark Force Defense thingumie... and more to the point, is it edible?"

Giggling a little, she shook her head and put her hands behind her back.

"Er, no... You teach Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You have also written a lot of books about Dark Creatures and your experiences with them."

Gilderoy stopped pacing, gulped loudly and turned around to face her with a very worried look on his face.

"D-D-Dark C-C-Creatures-es?", he stuttered, "Is that a kind of fudge? I do hope so, oh please tell me it is...!"

"'Fraid not, sir."


He started pacing again, cursing softly under his breath.
He then unsheathed his sword again, examining it in an attempt to rid the latest developments from his mind. Too bad he ended up holding it by the wrong end.

"Ow! I gotta remember that THAT is the handle..."

"Ehe, yeah. Might wanna watch that sword", exclaimed Rhona trying to stop him from skewering her due to his frantic flailing, "Sharp, pointy and kills a lot of things. DON"T KILL ME THOUGH!"

She dodged yet another swish of the blade and coughed as she attempted to straighten her hair up.
There was another bout of silence as he carefully rested his sword on the nearest table.

"So, who do I teach? You?"

"You... could if you like? It'd be kinda pointless though. I'm not a wizard, nor an I a witch. THEY are who you teach."

He blinked a few times and nodded to himself.

"Oh, righty-o. So, er... am I related to anyone here?"

Rhona shook her head apologetically and watched as his face dropped. It was as though he suddenly felt so alone, which was understandable.
She wanted to make him feel better somehow and suddenly had an idea.

"Oh! But, I know a wizard you could teach! Hold on, I'll be right back..."

She scampered off and returned moments later with a tired and rather irritable looking red-headed lad.
Gilderoy raised an eyebrow as he cursed a few times.

"Didn't I die or something", the lad complained as he squinted. It appeared he had just been dragged from his dorm.

"Quiet you", hissed Rhona, who then turned her head to face the bewildered Professor.

Silence fell once more as the 3 tried to figure out what to say. Finally, Gilderoy piped up.

"So, any hotties here then?"

Rhona put her hands on her hips and frowned.

"Are you saying I'm NOT hot then?"

Guilt suddenly set in. He hadn't thought about what he was saying. He was never very good at things like that and seemed to have, once again, royally stuffed up.
Rhona smirked and placed a hand on his shoulder. She figured she had better come clean, but seeing him squirm was oh so good.

"I was kidding!"

Gilderoy let out a sigh of relief and took out a handkerchief to mop his now sodden brow.

"Anyway", she continued, "It depends on your tastes I guess."

"Oh, well I like feisty types. You know, a fine lady who can keep me in check... and PLEASE tell me why I'm talking to you two about my tastes in the fairer sex?"

"Hehe... Er...", stammered Rhona nervously.

"Need more information?"

He grabbed his sword from the table and yet again made the mistake of grabbing the wrong end.


The red-head raised an eye brow.

"...Wrong end."

"I gotta stop doing that", blushed Gilderoy and he placed the sword on the table again as if it was going to bite him in half any second.

"Lost your memory again, didn't you", snickered the red-head in a sarcastic manner.

The Professor didn't take kindly to his remark and hissed.

"Quiet you! ... Who ever you are!"

"I'm Zarquirus Mysterion, son of Mavros Mysterion."

Gilderoy had to do a double-take at the mouthful that he had blurted out.


Zar sighed and muttered a 'never mind'.

After snorting furiously, Gilderoy decided to have a look around the room he was in as, even though he had been in it for some time, he hadn't actually been paying it much attention.

"What is this place anyhow? Is this my room?"

"No, this isn't your room you nit", sneered Zar, "This would be the great hall... Remind me why I'm here...?"

"I dragged you here. Just... because", beamed Rhona.

"Where is this 'great hall' located and will someone tell my why I'M here too", flailed Gilderoy as he spun around in circles, his head held aloft gazing up into the rafters.

"Its... where we are standing right now? And I have no idea what you are doing here", shrugged Zar.

The Professor ceased his spinning and sighed while putting a hand to his forehead... the another.

"Ohh, my head hurts!"

He flopped onto the floor and twitched. It seemed he didn't take kindly to sudden revelations, especially not all at once.
Rhona let out a little 'Eep' and poked at him as he lay on the ground in a fetal ball.

"Is he dead?"

Zar shot her an evil look.


Unimpressed by Zar's dry humor, Gilderoy leaped back onto his feet and pointed at him.

"Watch it boy!"

Zar sneered, he was the kind who didn't like being threatened.

"So, Hogwarts", asked the professor as he read a banner suspended in mid air, "This where I live then?"

"What is this, 20 questions", sighed Zar as he shook his head in disbelief, "No! This is the school you teach in. I'm a senior student here."

"Ohhh. So, this school... Does it have and rules and stuff?"

Zar rolled his eyes.

"Like all schools you mean? Yes!"

The was a pause as Gilderoy's facial expression changed as if he was deep in thought and he put a finger to his chin.

"I wonder if it is against the rules to date a student..."

Zar was dumbstruck by this sudden, random and somewhat sickening outburst.
Lockhart noticed this and shook his head.

"What? I can't help it! I don't even know if I'm married, single or what! I need to cover my back", he flailed.

"I don't know. I don't really care. Most girls, and some guys, seem to like you a great deal though", hissed Zar, "I'm NOT one of them."

Gilderoy's head shot up wards and he gave Zar one of the coldest of stares.

"GUYS", he shrieked, "GUYS!?"

Zar nodded, rolling his eyes again.

"Are there... Girls dorms here", quizzed the excitable and somewhat disturbed professor.

Zar sighed at his question, placed his hands on his hips and looked at the ceiling.


"Ooohh...", chuckled Lockhart, as he rubbed his hands together, "Anyone nice...?"

"I dunno", replied Zar uneasily, "I... guess?"

Gilderoy rubbed his hands again as if drooling over a feast of various culinary masterpieces spread out on a table in front of him. He reached into the inside pocket of his waist coat and fetched a small scrap of paper. He then took a quill from off of a near by table and stood in anticipation.

"Do tell, old bean!"

Rhona looked either direction in a shifty manner. She knew one of Zar's darkest secrets and she figured she should let Lockhart know too... For his own protection.

"Err... Gilderoy", she whispered as she poked him in his ribs and moved closer, "Don't freak out, but... Zar's a bit, errr..."

Lockhart peered over the top of the paper he had in his hand and raised an eyebrow.

"Well... Bi-curious", she continued, hoping Lockhart didn't leap in the air and head for the nearest shower to scrub himself down.

"What?! Ewww", goggled the now extra-disturbed Professor as he edged away to the furthest corner of the room.

Zar looked over at Rhona with an eyebrow slightly raised. He knew she had said something about him to make Lockhart flee in disgust, but he just wasn't sure what.

"DO TELL", hollered Gilderoy from across the room.

"Look, the girls dorms are that way", sighed Zar pointing to the left, "Why not just go there and see if there is someone to your likings?"

Lockhart let out a loud 'Ahh' sound and proceeded to dash out the door and down the corridor.

"OK", said Zar folding his arms as if suddenly superior and glaring at Rhona, "What did you tell him?"


"Yeah right..."

"I told you! Nothing at all!"

"Whatever, I don't really care anyway..."

Suddenly a loud and somewhat girly shriek filled the air and a very red faced Gilderoy came dashing in, his hands covering his eyes. He swayed around a little, as if his equilibrium had been messed up by the severity of what he had witnessed.

"And whats wrong with you", quizzed the highly-unamused Zar.

"T-th-th-that was the GUYS DORMS YOU POOP", shouted Lockhart who was still swaying and grabbing for random and stable looking objects to make sure he stayed upright, "How can you get confused between the two!? Oh.. forget I asked."

Rhona let out a laugh which was followed by a snort. She obviously found it highly amusing that the poor Professor had been mentally scarred AND that Zar got the two dorms confused in such a horrific way. Zar shot Rhona a nasty look and then stomped on the ground in frustration.

"Now tell me where the GIRLS dorms are!"

Zar didn't reply, instead he just pointed right.

"This better be the right way for your sake", exclaimed Lockhart as he trudged off in the direction Zar pointed in.

Rhona watched him leave and then turned to face the red-head who was busy chewing his lip half to death with frustration.

"What do you think he's up to?"

"I don't know and I really don't care to find out."

"C'mon! Lets follow", giggled Rhona as she grabbed Zar by his collar and dragged him away in the general direction of the girls dorms.

Part 2

(Because it wouldn't let me add a chapter. >=( )

When they arrived at the dorms the door was just closing. Before it shut all together, they poked their heads round the corner wedging it open. Lockhart was busy figuring out which of the girls he liked.

"Too young, too young, too young, too fugly, too young, too young, too you, too... dead."

"Oh jeez, I am NOT watching this filth", complained Zar as he slid his way off down the corridor.

Rhona hastily followed begging him to stop. The girls however, who were undressing ready for bed, suddenly became aware of Gilderoy's presence and gasped in shock.

"I don't care HOW much you beg me Rhona, I'm not sticking around", moaned the red-head as Rhona tugged on his sleeves.

Suddenly there was a group of loud shrieks and a group of frightened and half-undressed Gryffindor girls came stampeding out and disappeared down the hall. Lockhart ran out the room and slammed the door shut behind him, resting on it to catch his breath. A grim look was spread across his face and he was sweating profusely.

"What happened", quizzed a concerned Rhona.

Gilderoy's head was down in shock, not to mention shame, so he flicked it up wards to look Rhona in the eye.

"They were... undressing for bed!"

"Oh my god", giggled Rhona who was now blushing for him at the thought of how embarrassing it must have been.

"D-did they ALL leave", asked Gilderoy, trying to shake off the scared tone in his voice, "I daren't look."

"Yes, they all fled from you, you perv", sneered Zar sarcastically. He hadn't checked, he just enjoyed annoying poor Lockhart.

"I AM NOT A PERV! I just... need company is all..."

Rhona peered round the corner of the dorm door to check.

"Where do you think they will be going", asked Lockhart, going redder and redder by the second.

"A bloody conga party? I don't know! I'm not psychic!", fumed Zar.

"They wont tell on me will they?"

"Once again... going back to the 'I'm not psychic' thing..."

"Hey", called Rhona, "They didn't all leave, don't worry!"

Gilderoy peeked his head round the corner and tried to hold back giggles of happiness upon seeing a remaining student.

"Wow! Who is THAT?!"

He turned abruptly to face Zar and stuck out his chest.

"See! One stayed, I can't be all that bad!"

Zar sighed and looked at the ceiling as he crosses his arms in an irritable manner.

"HAH!", pointed Lockhart, "In yo' face! In yo' face!"

He then peered back round the corner of the door, smiled, got ideas and then swooped on in eagerly. Suddenly, Zar let out a hesitant noise.

"What Whaaat!? Can't you see I'm busy" flailed the Professor as he stomped back towards the door.

"Its... nothing", stammered Zar who then proceeded to shut the door, "Have fun?"

Lockhart stopped the door and loomed over the red-headed Slytherin lad in a way that only he could.

"You aren't telling me something here boy", he hissed.

Zar's eyes darted from left to right.

"What'd you WANT me to tell you? Honest! Its nothing..."

Gilderoy turned to face Rhona with a look of desperation on his face.

"YOU'LL tell me wont you?"

"Eh? What'd I do?"

He turned back to Zar again, his mouth gaping like a fish.

"Can't you at least tell mer her name? Maybe what she does?"

"Honestly got no clue. She could turn into a 5-headed hydra every full moon for all I know", shrugged Zar as Lockhart flailed around.

"Fine", he snorted, "But if I go in there and discover something sinister about that hottie then I will hold you both responsible!"

Swaggering back into the room, he adjusted his waist coat and smirked his trademark smile.

"For the good of the people", he announced in a noble way to Rhona and Zar, who both rolled their eyes in disgust.

"Such a perv."

The girl looked like she was in her final year. Her hair was brown which then faded gradually into red. She had just put on her night dress when Gilderoy suddenly appeared next to her.

She let out a little gasp, as she wasn't expecting him to be stood there.

"Hello there", he said in the softest voice he could muster, "All on your own?"

"Well, I wouldn't be if you hadn't have scared my roomies off", smirked the girl sarcastically as she folded her clothes for the next day.

"Terribly sorry my dear, I don't know what I did wrong..."

"How about... barging in when we were all undressing? I think that would fit in the right category."

Gilderoy smiled at her non-threatening sarcasm, sat down on her bed and watched her put her things away. Every time she looked at him, her blue eyes sparkled and he found it highly wonderful.

Rhona and Zar were still peeking from behind the door and were watching everything from a safe distance. Zar had no idea why he was there, but he stayed anyway to make Rhona happy. If he didn't, she'd probably turn him into a fairy and lord knows he did not want to ever have that happen to him again. Gilderoy peered over in the direction of the door and noticed them still gawking. He gestured for them to go away, but all they did was smile innocently.

"GO... AWAY", mouthed the frustrated Professor as he flailed his hands in a way to tell them to shoo.

The girl had noticed what was going on and was secretly watching, even though she knew Lockhart didn't want her to notice.

Then, to aggravate him further, Zar mouthed 'PERV'.

"I AM NOT A PERV", roared Gilderoy as he stood up from where he was sat, clenching his fists.

The girl laughed loudly. If he wanted their presence to be kept a secret, he'd royally blown it for sure and she found it hilarious.

"Hi", called the girl as she waved to Rhona.

Rhona waved back and exchanged greetings. The girl smiled softly causing Gilderoy to watch her out the corner of his eye while attempting to refrain from spifflicating Zar.

"How are you and whats HE up to", asked the girl tilting her head.

"I'm fine thanks. And which 'he' are you referring to? The blonde or the pissy red-head?"

"I AM NOT PISSY", roared Zar angrily.

"Yes you are", laughed Lockhart smugly, "Er, I mean... NO SWEARING! I'll give you lines!"

"And I'll refuse to do them..."

"I was talking about facial lines, you nit!"

After a bout of awkward silence, the girls burst into fits of laughter over how daft the two guys were being.

"Ahaha... ha... ha... Anyway. I was on about that gorgeous blonde professor, who else", winked the girl silently as she leaned towards Rhona.

Rhona raised an eye brow at her statement hoping she was hearing things.

"So, whats he doing here anyway", the girl quizzed further.

"He was watching you all undress 'cause he's such a massive perv", sneered Zar.

"I shall ignore that comment", smirked the girl, "So, what are your names?"

"I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, apparently."

"Zarquirus Mysterion. I know it's a mouthful. Just call me "Zar."

"My name is Rhona. Any you?"

"Oh, my name is Rachel Prince", beamed the girl as she kept glancing over to Lockhart, who was busy doing the same.

Suddenly, Gilderoy scooted over to her side and leaned in closer.

"Well, H-e-l-l-o there Rachel."

"Uhm... Hello", she replied nervously. She wasn't too good around the opposite sex, especially not ones she fancied the pants off anyway.

"So, how many years have you sweetheart?"

"Sweetheart!? Boy, that sounds strange, no one ever calls me that... Uhm... I'm 21."

"And your a student here", exclaimed Zar while stepping back in shock.

"N-not exactly no", explained Rachel, "I'm the student relations adviser and substitute teacher in training. I learn for the first half of lessons, then get to be a teaching assistant on the next."

Zar raised an eyebrow at the fake red-headed lady and mumbled a quiet 'I see'.

"Eee, well, never mind about that", said Gilderoy shuffling closer to Rachel and leaning in towards her face fluttering his eyelids.

"Has he been at Snape's secret stash of love potions or something", asked Rachel playfully as she pointed to the absent minded professor who was busy sniffing at her like a dog.

"Probably", giggled Rhona. Thoughts about what Snape would be like if he used a love potion on himself began whirling in her head.

"I have not", snapped Lockhart, his hands perched on his hips, "I'll have you know my interest in her is based solely on hormones! WHOOPS, did that just come out my mouth?"

"RIGHT! Well... I'll be leaving before I gag my intestines up", exclaimed Zar with a frustrated little flail.

Gilderoy smiled at the announcement and stuck his nose in the air.

"Yes, yes. Fine by me. Leave", he exclaimed, as he began to seductively fiddle with Rachel's ears, "I'm a VERY busy man."

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