Letters Of Regret--Letter #2
As always I hope when this letter reaches the safety of your hands it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family in good health and spirits. As for me, I’m as well as can be. After I wrote and read the first letter over, I was filled such a deep sense of sadness that I became very depressed. We really fucked up a perfect opportunity for us to have a meaningful long term relationship. There’s no reason for us not to be together other than stupidity on both our part. I actually thought that we could have taken our place among one of the great couples: Bonnie & Clyde, Ginger & Fred or Bergman & Bogart. Dreams do sometimes come through and they would have come through for us except we lost sight of prize and settled. I guess it’s true, life is a bitch, that’s why we stayed high all the time
Any way I hope I’m not interrupting you and you can take a moment out to read my next installment of letters, which will pave the way for many more. About eight weeks after our first date I had to turn myself into the courts, which I told you about previously. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to doing, but a deal is a deal. What you didn’t know was I wouldn’t have had to go to prison at all if I had stuck to the plan my lawyer had put in motion. I was supposed to enter into a drug program for eighteen months, which I did. The judge was willing to sentence me to the program instead of sending me upstate. I was in the program as instructed, but on one of scheduled court dates I decided not to go back to the program. There were a variety of reasons why I didn’t go back. None of them make any sense now, but they did at the time. Any way that’s the real reason why I went upstate instead of being out there with you.
The weeks before I had to turn myself in, I was constantly on the lookout for you. It was as if you dropped off the face of the planet. Every time I asked my sister Karen about you, she would get upset and just tell me to leave you alone. Finally I ask Karen why she was so mad at me and why she was trying to prevent me from getting to you. She said because of me her friend got hurt. She told me hot your boyfriend beat you up when you went back home after our weekend. I was very, very upset about what happened to you and felt guilty as well. My first thought was to find you to make sure you were okay, but Karen said I would just be making more trouble for you. My next thought was to step to your boyfriend and break his fucking neck. Again Karen being the voice of reason reminded me of the current trouble I was already in with the law and that I didn’t need any more trouble. I didn’t know what to do. I was concerned about you and I wanted to get at your boyfriend in the worst way, but my hands were tied.
Karen and I sent down and had a long talk. She told me that whenever she would see you, all you would do is talk about the weekend we spent together. You told her how much we had together and how much you wished you could start over with me. She said that whenever you spoke about us, it was the first time that she saw happiness; not only on your face and in your voice but in your eyes. The whole time Karen is talking to me, I’m getting more and more upset. You know me now, so you can imagine how hard it was for me to just sit there and listen and not be able to take action. Then Karen did something that was so out of character for her. She reached over and hugged me, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear “everything will be all right if you listen to me’.
Karen’s plan was simple enough. Basically, she told me that I had to forget about you for the time being because I couldn’t do anything to help you for the moment. She told me ‘ go do your time that you owe the courts and get your head together while your away’. She told me not to worry about you because she would stay in contact with you and when I come home she would let me know how to find you. What could I do mami, except take the advice that was given to me for your sake as well as mine. Karen told me that you definitely wanted us to get together whenever I came home. She told me you wanted a fresh start with someone that would not hold your past against you and would treat you and your children right. That was all the incentive I needed to do what I had to do.
I felt really bad about what happened to you and I promised I would do everything in my power to try to make it up to you. I told Karen to give you a message from me. “The weekend we spent together was just the beginning, that nothing in this world could prevent me from coming for you when I come home. I promised that I would do everything in my power to make sure that our future together would be filled with all the happiness we both deserved. I regret the pain you had to suffer because of me. Once again I regret that I had to leave you.
I STILL LOVE YOU
I MISS YOU VERY MUCH
YOU KNOW WHO
“STAY DOWN”---MARY J. BLIGE
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