Letters Of Regret--Letter #3
What’s up beautiful? I was thinking about you and decided to put pen to paper and holler at you. I hope when this letter finds its way into the safety of your hands, it finds you, the kids and the rest of your family both physically and mentally sound. As for me, I’m good. I figured now was a good time to pick up where I left off in my last letter.
My first couple of weeks on Rikers’ Island were real rough. Not because of where I was, I’ve been there more times than I’d like to count, but because I was concerned about you and what was happening with you. I also missed you. Since Karen didn’t have a phone I would call one of my brothers or call my grandmother’s house and leave messages for Karen to let me know how you were doing. Once in awhile I would get an upstate about you. Fortunately the updates were always good cause I’m not sure how I would have reacted if they were anything else.
You know how Rikers’ is, so you know it wasn’t place for a person to have their head in the clouds. I had to be on point all the time because stuff was always jumping off. So after awhile I had to force myself not to think about you as much. Know that you were never ever completely out of my thoughts.
Eventually I had to go upstate. Now it was really time to get into my bid and close my mind off to the outside world. When I got to my primary facility in Oneida N.Y. I concentrated on getting into a program which I thought would be helpful to me upon my release. I got involved in the Quick chill Program, which was a job on the outside of the prison where we prepared all the meals for all the prisons in N.Y.S.’s Correctional Department. My time was going by real smooth, I stayed out of trouble and was as content as I could be considering my environment.
As time went on I thought about you less and less. I’ve been away over a year and figured you either patched things up with your boyfriend or moved on. At any rate I didn’t figure I fit into the picture any more. While I was doing my time my lawyer settles my lawsuit and I received a sizeable sum of money. Of course I had some deposited in my inmate account. After that deposit my time went by even easier. Money rules no matter where you are and I was suddenly catapulted into an unwanted higher status at the facility among my fellow inmates.
Around January 2003, my luck had changed for the better for once. As you may or may not remember my time away from you wasn’t my first rip upstate. Actually I was serving my fifth state bid. My previous bids always resulted in me having to complete 2/3 of time because every time I appeared before the parole board for release on my minimum sentence I was always denied. Well for whatever reason this time it was different. I went before the parole board and they granted me an even earlier release, which was called merit time release. Without getting into the red tape of merit release, it just meant I was being released a few months before I would even complete my minimum sentence. I couldn’t believe it and my first thought was of you. I couldn’t wait to get released so I could see you. I thought about trying to get in contact with you, but I figured it would be better if I just showed up and surprised you.
For once it seemed things were working out in my favor. You know when I really knew my luck had changed? It’s when I got your letter. Here it was fourteen months since I last saw or spoke with you and out of the clear blue I get a letter from you. When the C.O. called me to the desk for mail and I saw your name on the return address, I gotta tell you “that was a real Kodak moment!!”. I was totally surprised. My crew said I looked like I had just hit the lotto for millions or something. They had never ever seen me sooooo happy.
My memory isn’t what it used to be, so I can’t really recall all of your letter, but I do remember that your main focus was on our one and only first date. You clearly stated that you knew our first date was in actually a “booty call” and that you weren’t really expecting me to honor my promise to you. You told me you were finally able to break away from your boyfriend with the help of your family. I remember thinking to myself that was a good move on your part for your own safety and happiness. I also had selfish motives as well. With your ex out the picture that meant clear sailing for us or so I thought at that moment. You also said that you were trying to get your life back on track, which I washoping you would do while I was away. I don’t remember how many times I read your letter but I know it more than five times before the realization that you really wrote me set in.
It took me a day or so before I got my thoughts together to write you back. When I did write you I assured you that I would keep the promise I made to you and that it would be sooner than you thought. I actually wrote you a ten page letter. Unfortunately you didn’t receive it because at that time my Dean was on a crazy crack mission and he broke my grandmother’s mailbox open in order to steal my sister’s check. The mailbox didn’t get fixed for quite some time and no one wanted to take the time to walk to the post office to pick the mail. I don’t remember if I ever mentioned this to you before, so if you ever thought I didn’t respond to your letter, you now know different.
I was to be released in about 75 days and the only thing on my mind was you. I couldn’t wait to see you and put my arms around you. Memories of our first weekend together made those 75 days go by quicly and happily. Our time together would soon be hand.
I STILL LOVE YOU
MISS YOU VERY MUCH,
YOU KNOW WHO
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