The Weakness of Holding On; The Strength of Letting Go

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
just a story of heartache from a shy girl in high school.
wrote this a year ago to cope with what was happening

Submitted: June 27, 2013

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Submitted: June 27, 2013

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You never know what will happen. Often that saying is given a negative ring to it. I’m beginning to believe that excitement comes from this uncertainty as well. Every situation does not have guaranteed reactions. Even when you expect certain results they may change in the blink of an eye.

I never expected much of a relationship. I thought they seemed like a glorified companionship. Media made them out to be so romantic. I never thought it seemed at all practical.

Going into my sophomore year of high school with that mindset, I had no expectations. I made a pact with myself over summer. It was to not get a boyfriend. I was tired of setting myself up for disappointment. Getting involved with a mate seemed far too stressful. I did not want to be wrapped up in another boy. I have my whole life ahead of me. Why would I need one?

I stuck to my bargain. I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. I made friends. That was all I was focused on. Of course, I didn’t expect anyone to chase me either. Guess I should have known; expect the unexpected.

I never thought that thirty minutes could change my perspective. Lunch in high school is always depicted as such a social experience. I thought of it as small casual talk. Never did I imagine that my lunch conversations could develop into anything more.

Lunches were kept mainstream. Discussions were average of a high school lunch table. I knew everyone there except a new set of eyes glancing at me every now and again. He asked my name. It was nothing special, just making friends. That was what I wanted anyway, nothing more.

Of course, it was high school. Friends are pushy and always seem to know what should be done. Kelly was always playing matchmaker. Trying to set people up seemed to be her specialty. I didn’t have any relationship history, nor did I like anyone. This made me her main target.

I should have known the moment she sat him down by me what her intentions were. I never surmised anything would happen though. Nothing ever develops with me. I’m just the quiet girl no one takes a second glance at. How could this be different? I did not imagine it would be unique.

Talking. That is all it started as. In lunch we talked, but it wasn’t the way other people communicated with me. He was interested. He seemed like he was genuinely attentive. I figured it was just his personality. Obviously, my friends were pushing and hoping for more. Well, they got it.

September nineteenth was just another day. Lunch was customary. Then something was in my lap. I looked down and there was his phone. I looked over at him puzzled. No guy ever asked for my number like that before. He smiled. “Put your number in,” he said. I took the phone. Feeling him watching me, I began shaking. I silently prayed he could not see my hands trembling. I rapidly put in my name and number, and gave him back his phone. I did it so fast I often wondered if I spelled my own name wrong.

Later that day, I was walking out of school with Lydia, a neighbor, when I saw him again. This time it was reversed. He took my phone and put his number in. I could not stop smiling as Lydia quizzed me on the walk home about him. She even told me how good we would look together, and how she thought he really liked me.

I wasn’t thinking much of it. Sure I was shocked someone was showing interest in me, but I wasn't expecting anything to come out of it. I wasn't going to text him. I would seem desperate; too anxious. I had volleyball practice anyway to keep me occupied.

Of course, mid-prace I went over to get my drink. I saw Kelly and Karlee squealing over whatever they were discussing. Instinct just told me Kelly told her we exchanged numbers. Sure enough, Karlee confronted me on it during practice. There wasn’t much for me to say, we didn't even start talking.

Finally practice was over at seven thirty. I went outside. It was a tiring, typical Monday practice. I was ready to go home. I checked my phone, and there was the start. I obviously had no clue what I was getting myself into. A smile spread across my face before I could disguise it. It was impossible to conceal. Karlee called me out on it immediately.

“Who’re you texting?” she asked slyly. I told her who; trying to mask my smile. She did the whole girly think. “Ooh-ing” and “ahh-ing” over nothing. I couldn’t say I liked him. I barely even knew him. Besides, if I got my hopes up I’d be disappointed. No guys like me. I don’t even know if anyone does.

He asked me to go with him to breakfast. I was not ready to tell my mother about a boy. She didn’t want me to date anyways. Consequently, I turned him down. He then offered to go for lunch. I rejected him once again. I told him I wasn’t ready to tell my mom. He understood, and let it go.

We talked. It was absolutely delightful to have someone to text all the time. Especially someone interested in me. The best part of it was that I was myself. I did not try to impress him in any way. He was still interested! He came to my volleyball games to see me. He would even text me after all my away games to see how I did. I can remember sitting on the bus on the way home, or in McDonald's texting him. One time I didn't reply back quickly enough and he was paranoid he was bothering me. No one ever was interested in me like that. After one away game I remember us texting. We talked about how he was getting a hoodie for cross country and I was getting one for volleyball with our last names across the back. We determined we would exchange hoodies and wear each others. I never wore another boy’s sweatshirt before.

I was absolutely flattered with his pursuit. As much as I loved talking to him, and having his attention, I didn’t want to be with him. The thought of a relationship was scary to me. I just wanted to keep him around, because I loved his enthusiasm towards me.

I heard more and more from our mutual friends. He really liked me. The more I heard this my insecurities intensified. I did not want a boyfriend! A relationship seemed so terrifying. Volleyball and school ran my life. Anything more than a friendship was alarming to me. This continued. My fears grew. I tried separating myself from him. I found him to be clingy. My interest was overcome by my personal conflicts. There was something about him though. As much as I did not want to be with him, some part of me kept a hold on him. I was dreading that he would ask me to the school’s semi formal. I did not want anything serious. I was so paranoid he would ask me. I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I went as far as desperately trying to find a date. I asked my one good guy friend if he wanted to go. He rejected me, because he was planning on asking someone else. I was left out in the open-prime target.

Deep down inside I believe I was only afraid of rejection. Therefore I protected myself through distance. Part of me was going back to enjoying all his consideration he had toward me. Then in lunch he said he had a date for semi. He was just taking her as friends. This was what I wanted. I didn't want to go with him, so why did I get this sinking feeling? Was it relief, or disappointment? I missed another opportunity! I liked him.

Lucky for me we still talked. What made me so fortunate that he was still concerned with me? I was fearful he was going to lose interest in me. Shockingly, the exact opposite happened. He was as intrigued as ever.

On October twentieth, in lunch, he held my hand, under the table. This is when I confirmed with myself that I liked him. As it happened I acquired an intense case of butterflies. I thought it was part of the movement. Later on, I told Lynn. I was stunned when the butterflies reappeared in the midst of me telling her. Why were they back? Why do I get that feeling in my stomach every time I think of him grabbing my hand?

I went to a party one day. I always seem to be nervous around people. This was no exception. I was sitting around people I knew. I was doing okay until someone tapped me on the shoulder. This woman introduced herself to me, telling me she was his mom. I cannot even imagine the face I gave her. She even recited my birthday to me. She knew the exact date I was born, and remembered it from when her older son and my sister were in preschool and I was born. I was dumbfounded. That was so awkward. How was I to handle a situation such as that?

We never admitted we liked each other yet. My infatuation continued to grow though. I still tried to protect myself, even though I figured he liked me. Everyone could read his interest in me as though it was on a billboard.

Assumptions are never good for me. I go straight to worst case scenario. I surmised that I would sit alone at semi, like the dateless loser I was. Much to my surprise he spent majority of the night sitting with me. I do not think there was a moment that night where a smile was not spread across our faces. He even put a bead necklace around me there. We were going to meet up at a party afterwards but he wasn’t aloud out. It didn’t even seem real.  

Our curiosity with each other continued. One day it took a turn, for the better! It was over Thanksgiving break from school, and I had just been finishing helping my granny decorate for Christmas. We were texting as we always were. He even offered to come help me. The topic somehow came up of who we liked. He questioned me, but I told him it never went well when I admitted who I liked. I refused to screw this up, like I always do. He was persistent though. Every time I admitted who I liked events always took a nosedive in the wrong direction. I wasn’t about to be the first one to admit it was him that I liked. He kept it up. The subject dropped a little though. I was casually avoiding it, telling him that he should tell me who he liked. He did the same thing to me. We were like boxers, waiting for the other to throw the first punch.

I was hanging out with Lynn and the texting continued. It started to get confusing. He was still pressuring me to confess. He told me I was the lady and I should go first. I replied back by saying he was the guy. He is the man. He should've been the one to admit it. After I said that the subject ceased. Then nearly a half hour later he asked me “did you tell Lynn I like you?”  I was dumbfounded. When I said he was the guy he thought I meant he was the guy I liked! I replied to him “What? You like me?!” I was ecstatic. We admitted we liked each other! Someone actually liked me. A genuinely good guy was sincerely attracted to me. We still weren't going out though. At least we never said we were. I heard stories that he was telling teachers, and saying he didn’t know if I was his girlfriend or not. We did conclude we weren’t seeing other people, but we were not boyfriend and girlfriend yet.

From there on in everything was breathtaking. I never had high expectations of affection. I did not believe in romance. He treated me like it was a fairytale. It was better than the movies. He was pleased with me exactly how I was. I was happy and so was he. He was walking me to my locker one day in school when he turned to me and asked, “So when I take you to prom are you going to wear heels?” I smiled and explained that I didn’t want to go to prom. He didn’t either, so we decided we could spend that night together in sweatpants. I cannot think of a time I was happier.

We were not in a relationship yet. I was not ready to tell my mom. He was perfectly understanding. He did not want to rush me. He assured me that he would wait. I suggested we be in a relationship without telling many people, especially my parents. He was exceedingly respectful though. His response was that he did not want to be on my parents’ bad side. Not to mention he would be eighteen in August and didn’t want to mess anything up already. Could I imagine anything better? We were getting along so well! He also made me promise that when we got together, I had to be open with him. Together, we promised that we would always be evident about how we felt. He did not want me to hide any of my feelings. We were happy. I actually tolerated going to school. In fact I wanted to be there, just to see him.

December third is what I will consider our first date. We still had to hide from my parents. It was the senior-parent basketball game. I was already planning on going with Courtney and she claimed she did not care if I asked him to come. He was invited to go to Frank’s, a friend of his, that night. He ditched them to be with me. He was absolutely adorable. He paid attention to me the whole night. Courtney and Bryan were at the game and seemed irritated by us being together. I couldn’t understand why. I talked to them as well. I didn’t ignore them at all. Maybe they just did not think I deserved the happiness only he was giving me. Bryan was being very nasty. Bryan went as far as texting me saying that I was going to have sex. We were sitting close and I shielded my phone quickly. I did not want him to see that message. Oh well, I was not letting them get between us at all! When we were leaving he stayed behind so my mom wouldn’t see us. Before I left, he walked to the lobby with me. Then we hugged. It was our first actual hug. I immediately felt guarded. I was enveloped in security. Once we left I apologized to Courtney if it was awkward. I could not let her get to me. I was happy, and I was going to stay happy!

I really wanted to be with him. I was just too scared and selfish to tell my mom. As a result, I decided to ask my aunt for advice. On December fifth, her and I skipped work and school to go Christmas shopping.She had a doctors appointment anyway. I was uneasy and timid to even tell her. I considered it awkward. Although when I was texting in the car she began her questioning. This made it easy. I just admitted to who he was, and she took off with a monsoon of questions. She suggested I just tell my mom. Aunt Christine was thrilled. She was nearly as delighted as me. Well, not quite but she was excited. Now I just had to wait for the right time to tell my mom.

On December seventh I went to a concert with Courtney. I was nervous to go. I didn’t know why but he comforted me. While I was at the concert he kept saying I should put my phone away and enjoy myself. We exchanged cute texts. He said he would miss me, but wanted me to have fun. I decided to put my phone away until after the concert. He waited up just to see how it went. He legitimately cared about me.

That weekend he was planning to go to the beach. He was so excited to go he kept telling me. He said he wanted to live there one day. He even proceeded to say if we were still together he would take me too. That shocked me since we just admitted our feelings to each other, but I thought it was cute and continued to let myself fall. He told me he wished I was there. My aunt suggested him and I look at the full moon at the same time. Even though he was in a different state we were still looking at the same thing, He even told his mother and her friend about me. He wanted a picture to show them but I didn’t have one. He saved a picture of us at semi together and showed them that. I told him I looked terrible in that picture. He replied to me that he took bad pictures too, but “two negatives make a positive, but your pictures are amazing like you.” Everything was so magical. He brought me back shells. There was still sand in them. I showed them off to all my friends. I could not wipe the smile off my face.  We continued to develop our infatuation with each other. It was complete fascination that turned into something more. My favorite part was that all feelings were mutual.

For my one spanish project I had to gather pictures. One had to represent the “luckiest” person. My first thought was myself. I texted him and told him that. He made me feel like the luckiest person alive. He agreed.

We were charming. We had smiles plastered across our faces every time we saw each other. We spent hours texting. We always knew what each other was doing. We could spend hours just telling the other how cute or amazing they were.

One thing that will always stand out to me was the way he made me believe what he said. I was looking at haircuts, so I asked who he thought was the most beautiful girl in the world was. Much to my surprise, he sent me long, thoughtful messages claiming it was me. I didn't agree with it, but he assured me of it. The fact that he honestly meant it left me awestruck. I was so happy, I felt tears well up in my eyes. How did I ever get so lucky? We also discussed how happy we felt. I was always puzzled as to what I should wear to school. Every time I expressed that I didn’t know what to wear he always had something to say. He would tell me to wear what I felt most comfortable in, and that I looked good no matter what. He would rather see me comfortable then dressed up. No matter what I would wear he concluded; I was beautiful. I never imagined that someone could actually feel this way about me. He did not care if I was in baggy clothes. In fact he liked me in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

He liked me so much. He never tried to hide it either. The expressive affection made me feel insanely secured and protected. He was crazy for me! After lunch every day he would walk to my locker with me. He would stay there while I got my books. He would always mess up whatever was in my locker. He just would stand there with a smile spread across his face. I never thought I would be able to make someone smile like that. I did not get jealous or think I wasn’t good enough. He guaranteed that I was amazing constantly. He always surprised me with how much he cared. One day after I got home from church he asked me if I would ever take him. I told him no, he was not into religion. He wasn’t even catholic, like me. He told me he wanted me to take him because he knows church means alot to me. That is something not many people would say.

I never thought I would end up so happy just because of one person. We texted all the time. My favorite thing was when he would send the me the big grin emoticon. I don’t know why it made me melt. I think it was because he was showing how happy he truly felt. He even would text me during school. It didn't matter what class he was in. He risked it for me. It felt good to know someone actually wanted to talk to me. He made me a happier, and more outgoing person. I did not want to be dependant on someone else to make me happy. I could not help it though. He weaseled his way into me and I let him stay. I wanted him with me. I wanted us together, and so did he. Finally, those sappy love songs made sense to me.

As a natural pessimist I always questioned things. He made me a little more positive though. I always asked if he still liked me. He reassured me of it all the time. Nothing could go wrong according to him. College could be the end of us. I usually never thought that far in advance. He would tell me that he didn’t want to hurt me when he went away. I usually shrugged it off. He was only a junior, did he really think it would last that long? Who knows what could happen between now and then? He started telling me that we could make it work, he really liked me. This was too good to be true.

Every doubt I ever expressed was quickly doused. I would always inquire about what we would do. We were very contrasting. I would wonder how we would occupy our time together. He never let any doubt stay in my head too long. I was terrified to meet his parents, even though I had already met his mom. I was paranoid by this new experience. He pledged that everything would work out.

He was adorable. He was always going on walks. I would complain about how cold I was. He always said he would give me his coats. He was captivating. I also would tell him that if we went for walks I would be fearful a serial killer would come. I said it jokingly, but he made me melt when he said he would protect me. Only I could find that as breathtaking as I did. I was so assured that he wanted to be with me. He promised he would never hurt me. I believed him. Everything stayed absolutely perfect.

We got along so well. He could pick up on my mood. He read me easily, even when I tried masking it. If he saw me he could call me out on my attitude in a second. The only other person who could tell that easily was my granny. It really made me feel like he was good for me. One day I was upset and went to his locker. I walked up to him and as soon as he looked at me he asked if I was okay. I couldn’t believe he picked up on my spirit that simply. He immediately offered a hug as comfort. I love hugs. He never ceased to amaze me.

I really wanted to tell my mom. He wanted me to tell her too. He wasn’t pressuring me though. I was scared to tell her. I needed a plan. I decided to wear his cross country hoodie home. This way my mom would see his name and ask. It seemed like a legit strategy.  We planned to do it before Christmas break. The Wednesday before we got out I was planning to go shopping with my mom. December twenty-first in school, he gave me his hoodie. I put it on immediately. It felt so right to wear it. The moment I pulled it over my head a smile was left behind.

My mom picked me up from school and we went shopping. I made a point to put my back to her every opportunity I had. She did not catch on! I was texting him the whole time. My nerves were getting to me. Finally he just said to me “what is the big deal?” He was right, I formed it into this tragedy in my head. He gave me the push. I knew I liked him alot. Enough that I needed to try my hardest to get us together. I told her. I cannot remember exactly how I worded it. All I know is she did not freak out as much as I speculated she would. My mom just kept babbling about how young I was. Her original rule was to make me wait until I was at least sixteen to date. Since I was still fifteen it was up to her. She finally concluded I needed to wait until my sixteenth year. That meant on the change into the New Year I could date. I had no idea why she was making me wait. It was only a few days over a week. Although how adorable would it be to have an anniversary on New Years? It’d be easy to remember. We decided as soon as the ball dropped we would be together. We were so anxious.

Nothing was wrong. I did not have a doubt in my mind about us. Before Christmas break I baked him two batches of his favorite cookies, just the way he likes them. All of Christmas break we texted. We even said how much we wanted to be together for Christmas but we promised we would be together for next year’s. He even wanted to get me a present. He asked my friends about jewelry. I told him I didn’t want anything. He offered to make me a blanket as a present. He knew I was always cold, and loved blankets. I made him promise he wasn't going to get me anything.

We had minimal problems. Only issue we had was Courtney. At lunch we tried to involve her as much as possible. She must have felt left out. She always acted very rude towards us. Why wasn’t she happy for us? When I would express my concern he always knocked it down. “This is between you and me, and only you and me,” he’d say. He didn’t want me to worry about anything anyone else had to say. His friends on the other hand were exceedingly supportive. His one guy friend wanted to double date with us! He had a lot of friends who were girls. I surprisingly was not jealous at all. I didn't have to be. He always told me when he was with them. He never hid anything. It was so cute. He always asked if it was okay he was with them. He didn’t want to mess up anything we had. One day he was out to eat with one of them and he asked if I wanted him to bring me any food. He was so considerate. He cared for me like I never would have imagined.

Over Christmas break my sister and I decided to stay a night at my Grandma’s along with my Aunt Lisa. I had to listen to my sister tell them about her boyfriend. When I complained to him about it he said “what are you going to do when that’s us?” He was captivating. I didn’t like staying down my Grandma’s very much since my Grandpa died. It just isn’t the same. He knew something was wrong by my mood. He comforted me a lot. I was so confident about him I told my aunt about him, because I was so excited.

Days were passing and New Years was approaching. It was only a short time before we both were going to be together. We would be starting our first relationship. We were creeping up on the day slowly. The twenty-ninth his phone stopped getting texts in the afternoon. I figured technology was malfunctioning. I was disappointed we couldn’t talk that night but figured the glitch would be fixed soon. He could send texts, but didn’t receive any. He texted me a few times worried I was mad at him. His concern for me not texting him just strengthened my confidence in us being together. The next day he even called me to be sure everything was copacetic. I was in the shower and missed his call. Finally that afternoon he was able to receive messages. He apologized for not being about to talk. I didn't mind. I was completely awestruck by his adoration. We were only a day and a couple of hours away from starting our relationship together!

That night I had planned to go to Kelly’s for an end of the year, all girls party. I started packing. We were still texting. That’s when it happened. It really was like the beginning of the end.  He told me he was stressed. He was worried about grades, tests, schoolwork and college. He claimed he “didn’t want to add more stuff to his pile of stress.” I made him forget about his school work. He used to brag that I made him forget about anything negative going on! How did that turn into a bag thing? I was just more “stuff” to add to his stress. When he first said this I shrugged it off. I told him to let me know when he was ready. When he didn’t immediately explain or change his mind I started to panic. I asked what he meant. He didn’t want to be with me yet. He still really liked me a lot, but didn’t want to start our relationship just yet. He wasn't ready. I hyped myself up for nothing. We waited all this time and now it wasn’t going to prevail. It was the day before we were going to start going out! How could he do this?

That night I still went to Kelly’s everyone could obviously tell something was wrong. Courtney even texted him, going beserk. I felt so alone. I couldn’t understand what I did. I spent the night being miserable. I was surrounded with people, but I felt more lonely than I could have imagined. I couldn’t sleep at all. What did I do? How could I change his mind?

The next day I was distressed. We were still texting here and there, but I was gloomy. It was weird to be different. That was supposed to be my last day being single. I was going to invite him over that night, but decided against that. Carrie invited me over, but I just was not up for it. I wanted to be alone, just the way I felt. My family was over and I wanted nothing to do with them. My aunt tried figuring out what our status was. I didn’t want to talk about it. I just told her he wasn’t ready. She of course made this big scene about it. I just didn’t want to hear about it. I wanted to go be alone, but my family made me watch the ball drop with them. I sat there like a bump on a log. I hated New Years. As soon as it was over I went to bed, well I tried to anyway. Sleep was no longer a friend to me, for that left me too.

It wasn’t changing. Time was passing and he wasn't coming back. We were not happy the way we used to be. One day I even mentioned to him that I was miserable. He said he was too. In which case, why were we not together!? I couldn’t grasp it at all. His responses were starting to dwindle. We still talked everyday, but he wasn’t the same. He didn't seem like he was interested in me the way he used to be. Everytime I tried bring up where we stood he shrugged it off. He always responded “idk.” I was becoming very discouraged. I took it very hard. I was down on myself constantly.

I kept everything bottled up inside me. Writing was the only thing I could do to relieve myself. I began writing him a letter. I wanted him to know how I felt. I wrote about the memories he gave me. I also explained to him how everything panned out, and the way I saw things. The letter was long but I knew I didn’t want to leave anything out. There are too many things left unsaid. I wanted him to know how I felt, and that I still cared. I told him I had something for him, and that he should wait for me in the hall. He said okay, but the next day he didn’t wait. Later that day he texted me to apologize, for he alleged to have forgot. I figured he was trying to avoid me. I had to come up with a new plan. I decided I’d try to plant it somewhere. His car seemed like the perfect place. He always left school quickly, so I couldn’t put it in at the end of the day. That had too great a risk of getting caught. I figured that Lynn, my friend, could plant it for me. She would come in late on friday anyway. She’s the best, and agreed to do it. I put the letter in an envelope and gave it to her. She put it in his car for me. Now all I had to do was wait. I was uptight and antsy all day. I couldn’t imagine what his reaction would be. When I got home I tried to keep my mind off it. I spent time with Susan. We actually ended up falling asleep. When I woke up I had a text from him. He was shocked and said he didn’t know what to say. He still wanted to be friends. That killed me. I hated the thought of us being just friends.

Things were very bumpy. One week we would talk a lot, but other weeks we didn’t really connect. Nothing ever really went back to the way they were. I stayed hopeful though. I never wanted to give up. I always desired things would get better again. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse back to the old us. Those moments gave me strength to hold on, or maybe it was weakness to not let go.

It was not fair. It seemed that he was always changing his mind. I put up with it though. I dealt with this up and down trip he was putting me on. It didn’t matter to me. I thought it’d be better to be unsure and still talking to him, then to be miserable and without him completely. My friends did not like him. I was, and still am told, that I deserve better. A few of my friends went as far as to say “he treats you like shit.” I never listened to them. He really cared about me. In fact he made me feel good about myself, sometimes. I could not say they did the same. One friend in particular would attack me for how I felt. I could not help it, and she would get spiteful with me. Sometimes things were really rough. He wouldn’t make any attempt to communicate with me. I was always tempted to text him though. It would just discourage me when he didn’t respond very long. There was a few times I had actually deleted his number out of my phone. This only detoured me temporarily. The number was still in my recent contacts, not to mention I wrote his number down. Deleting his number never lasted long.

In March things finally started looking up! I had been waiting for long enough. For some reason he was acting interested in me again. He gets test anxiety. Every morning when he had to take standardized test for school, I would text him to wish him luck. To my surprise he always answered the texts. He even would occasionally text me during the school day too. He had stopped doing that, so when he did that it made me even more optimistic. I missed what we had so much. Finally things seemed to be going back. This was what I was waiting for. Things were finally looking up again! We were talking so much more. Maybe we would finally be together! That friday, the sixteenth, Kelly was planning a party. It was going to be a campfire. She asked if she should invite him for me. I, of course, said yes.

Friday night finally rolled around. A bunch of us were at Kelly’s. Someone didn’t show up. Finally, at quarter to eleven, I texted him. I told him where I was. He had forgot about the party. He claimed he had planned on coming. I told him to show up anyway. Everyone was staying over. Now I didn’t actually think he would come. He always goes to bed early. He asked me who was there. When I told him, he said he didn't like any of those people. The people there were from my grade not his. I told him they wouldn’t bother him if he came, and he could just stick by me.  Much to my surprise he said he’d come. At eleven something he walked, in the dark, to Kelly’s. When he got there we went to the fire. Mostly everyone was there except a few who stayed inside. Everyone just sat around. People were playing music. He kept playing with my leg. I told him a story about another guy,Ted. He turned to me with the most serious expression I ever saw on him. He asked if I liked Ted. I told him I didn’t. Wow, he was actually jealous! He must still like me! Two people near us were smoking. It would have blown right in my face, had he not blown it away every time it got near me. He was so considerate. I was so happy!

One of the guys there tried making conversation. He decided to go around and ask everyone who they liked. Naturally, he started with me. I sarcastically responded “really?” I didn’t answer it, so he moved on to the person next to me. That person being him. He just laughed. That conversation didn’t last very long. After a while we moved our chairs so the campfire smoke wasn’t going in our eyes. I check my phone. It was Saturday.He wished me a happy birthday. We sat there, close. I was complaining about how hot my legs were, so he stretched his leg in front of mine. He whined about his leg getting hot, and made me feel it. He didn’t move it though. My phone was going off from happy birthday messages. Then it went off again, because of twitter. Every single time I got it out he leaned over to read it. After a few times I lightly said, “Okay, I don’t ask to see your texts.” That's when he pulled out his phone to show me them. He scrolled through all the names. I just beamed, I trusted him.

His dad, whom he doesn’t get along with, texted him to check on him. He stayed, It was close to one in the morning. I could see he was tired. He wasn’t leaving though. People started going in. The group dwindled slowly. After a while everyone went in. Only him and I were left. We sat with each other. We didn’t say much, but the silence was comfortable. He was bushed. He laid his head in my lap. I rested my head on him. I sat up though and told him not to fall asleep. He sat up and pointed out the obvious, he was tired. I asked him why he didn’t go home. He said he didn't want to leave me. He was so sweet. I told him I was cold, and he offered me his jacket. He only had a t-shirt on underneath, so I didn’t accept it. I had to pee, and he said he was tired. We agreed that we would both leave at the same time, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. We said okay, then remained sitting. We just looked into the fire and then started laughing. He continued to sit there with me. He was looking up at the stars. He tried getting my attention to show me a shooting star, but I missed it. Eventually we heard the smoke alarm go off. Kelly tried making pancakes. We continued to sit by the fire. Occasionally the animals behind us would make a random sound and we would burst into hysterics.

I tried to keep my guard up. Eventually I gave in. I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arm around his. He rested his head on mine. We sat like that for a while. I started drifting to sleep, but woke myself back up. I could tell he was falling asleep. When I moved I must have woken him up. We sat back up and just enjoyed the night.

Finally, Kelly came back out. This was his cue to leave. He stood up in front of me and said he was going to leave. I just sat there. Why didn’t I walk to the road with him? Why did I always sit back, and hope for something to happen? Now I just wonder what would be different if I changed that one aspect. I went inside then. My friends asked about it, but nothing happened. There was nothing to say, except we had leaned on each other. When he got home he texted me good night. The night was amazing. He made my birthday.

The next day he texted me. We never really talked about what happened. He said he had fun. It still made me melt that he would text me first. That meant he was thinking about me.His interest seemed to come back. We seemed to be falling back to how we were. I was growing more and more wishful.

On March twenty-eighth I planned to go to a dress sale with Kelly. I didn’t need one, but I always shop for bargains. It was the same day as the school’s blood drive. In school he told me I should go down with him. I told him no. I figured he was joking, besides I wasn’t going to go watch him get blood drawn. He was volunteering at the blood drive after school too. He was persuading me to start donating. I said to him he would have to come with me if I ever decided to do it. He said, “Okay, I’ll lay on the table with you.” That made me so happy. He was so cute. If he was there I’m sure donating blood wouldn’t hurt. Actually if he was by my side, I don't know what could be painful. While he was volunteering he was trying to coax me to come over and see him. He kept asking me to come to the school to be with him. I would have went to visit him, but I was still at the dress sale. If we got home early enough I would have gone to meet him, but we didn’t .

From there I imagined things would stay consistently good. Even if we weren’t together I was still happy that he liked me. I was content. We started stopping at each others’ lockers again. Part of me was still scared. I didn’t want to bother him though. I’d get so nervous. I wanted to stop and talk to him, but last minute I’d turn away. I’d get so mad at myself for walking past the opportunity. There were so many times I just walked past him. How could I simply walk past someone who meant so much to me? I got advised that I needed to just go for it. He didn’t want a relationship because I never showed I wanted one. I tried harder. I’d just walk up to him. It wasn’t too bad. Talking those couple moments, I hoped would change things. They left a smile on my face.

We began talking about the future again. We made plans for the summer. Star gazing was our agenda of things to do together.We were going to look at the stars together. He always saw shooting stars, and I never saw one. The goal was to get me to witness a shooting star. I was excited.

Easter break was coming up. We were still in our good phase. Thursday night we talked, but he was at a party. I told him not to let any girls fall asleep on him there. He laughed and said okay. Friday we talked for a little but his response was amiss. He said he was tired though. He complimented me, and I let it go. From there everything was good. Sunday he even texted me to wish me a happy easter. I was so happy. He seemed to be flirting with me like he used to. He was putting in the effort to talk to me. I was so relieved since I had been putting in the work for both of us for a while! It was great to be talking a lot again. He would text first, even on days he was preoccupied. Somedays his response was slow. I didn’t mind, I actually liked it. I’d rather a slow response than none. We weren’t attached to each other but we were still casually talking. I loved knowing he was thinking about me. I tried very hard to be more outgoing with him. I wanted him to change his mind and want to be with me.

Everything seemed to be going well. Then for some reason things started dwindling again. I had no idea why. As time went on we didn’t talk very much. It was slowing down. Some days he even left lunch. We just weren’t connecting anymore. I heard he was spending a lot of time with his other friends. I was never jealous before, but now I was. He could simply go hang out with his friends and forget about me completely. He made me so happy when I was with him. I couldn’t imagine that no one else felt that way with him. It really scared me. I didn’t want to see him with anyone else! I was with my friends one night. We were looking at the stars. I kept reminiscing on our plans to go star gazing that summer. I felt so lonely to imagine never doing that with him.

Then I was tipped off that he kissed one of his friends. It was his first kiss! When I found out, I was extremely upset. I tried to push it out of my mind. I wasn't sure if it was a false assumption. People talk, and I hoped it was a rumor. Then I had it confirmed by someone who was there. It happened over Easter break. I couldn’t swallow the fact that he continued to flirt with me afterwards. He never even told me. I felt so mislead and abandoned. It didn’t even dispute why we barely talked then. It weeks after the fact.

I barely talked to him . I tried to refrain as best I could from texting him.On May fifth he was to take his SATs. The night before I decided to wish him luck. When I did, he replied; “Thanks. What’s been up lately?” I didn't know what he was trying to denote. He texted back “like you seemed, idk.” I responded back, asking him what he meant. He never answered back. Don’t try asking me things then not even answer! I was bothered by it. I texted him the next night, riled up, asking what he meant. He told me I seemed “withdrawn.” I seemed withdrawn? This provoked me. I had tried endlessly to talk to him. He was the one who put in no effort. I told him he never tried talking to me anyway. Was he really trying to put this on me? He testified that he really liked talking to me, just didn't want to text me everyday. That was a bunch of horsefeathers. I was becoming very displeased. I disclosed to him that it’d be nice to hear from him every once in awhile. He proceeded to say “I’m happy you found your voice, and spoke up.” What was that supposed to imply? I was so fed up. He was oblivious. I had been trying continuously to talk to him. He never strived to talk to me. There was no way he was going to turn this on me. Did he know how I felt? Did he even care? How could he ignore all the concern I had towards him?


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